How to talk to best friend about their drinking

[dancingbee]

My best friend has always enjoyed a drink and we would share wine or Prosecco at dinners and would party together. As time has gone on however she has seemingly become more and more dependent on drink and I believe drinks a bottle of wine almost every night.

Mutual friends have commented on her drinking to me in the past. It's particularly noticeable when lifts are shared and she'll go out of her way to get a lift so she can drink. In the past 10 years I've given her hundreds of lifts and she has driven me somewhere once. She's never opted to be designated driver.

My DH frequently tells me I should talk to her about her drinking. Especially because she is appearing unwell. She must have easily put on 6 stone in recent years but protests that she doesn't eat much. I can easily eat more than her when out for dinner and don't think the weight gain is solely from food. Her skin and hair are also looking so noticeably different and I am worried. She generally looks very run down.

Last night she came round our house with her DH for dinner and bought a bottle of Prosecco with her for herself. I'm heavily pregnant and my DH doesn't really drink. We had other drinks to offer them and her DH had a soft drink. She didn't offer any of her Prosecco to either of the two guys and drank the bottle herself. I don't know why I felt like it was shocking that she bought drink solely for herself. I know it's normal to take drink to someone's house but it clearly wasn't for sharing. It made me wonder whether its time I try to discuss it?

I don't know how others would feel about their friend bringing this up? I'm genuinely worried for her health as she doesn't look well at all and seems to have put on weight every time I see her. When I told her I was pregnant she said she is hoping her and her DH won't be far behind us. That was 7 months ago and I'm worried about how it's going to happen for her when she appears unwell.
Thoughts?

Does she know that she wont be able to drink lots of alcohol when pregnant. And you can't be hungover all the time if you have kids. You sound like a caring friend but the need to stop has to come from her.

Maybe you could ask her DH what he thinks first?

You are pregnant and your friend isn't but drank a bottle of prosecco during the course of an evening without sharing it? amongst the men who weren't bothered?

Although it's incredibly unlikely she will do anything as a result, it's still worth trying to plant a seed that her drinking is not normal.

You are obviously coming from a place of love so I'd go with a fairly simple "Are you Ok? I am worried about you" at first, to see if there's anything she 'blames' for her drinking - job, TTC, relationship. Then you can add in "I've noticed you do seem to be relying on alcohol a lot recently - have you noticed it?" Then maybe "have you thought about trying to
Cut down or even stop? It could be a new start".

However, once you've said your bit, I would back away and then leave her to it hoping you've started a long thought process that may eventually lead to her admitting it to herself.

Perhaps you could also try to change your social meets so they're less alcohol suitable eg a visit in the daytime to a local attraction or meeting for coffee to show her that you can have fun without alcohol.

This is really difficult. My best friend is also an alcoholic/abuses alcohol or whatever you call it. She kind of knows I disapprove but I'm not sure what you can do or say if that person doesn't think they have a problem or doesn't want to change. My friends DP is also a big drinker so I can't see how that will help. My friend has had some recent health problems and still no cutting back. Alcoholism is a bigger because it's a progressive disease that develops over many years.

I know it would need to come from her and I'm sure she must of considered it if they are TTC. She seems so unhealthy at the moment though that I'm genuinely worried about their chances of conceiving and the impact that may have on her. Not sure it's going to help her stress levels. Even if she does conceive I'm worried she won't suddenly be able to stop drinking.

It's very difficult to approach anything with her. Whenever I've tried she gets very stropey and then distant.

I was shocked though when she drank a bottle by herself at my house and didn't know whether to bring that up with her. I don't want her to make out like I'm making an issue out of nothing...

could you frame it as something she can do to help you, rather than help herself? This puts her in a position of power, rather than weakness. For surely she will have thought, often, that she’s drinking too much, will have tried to cut doen and failed, and will be very sensitive to others telling her how to be, that she needs to change etc. But if yo give her the branch to hold on to, of doing something that helps another, maybe that could be what she needs to pause her own drinking and create the space where she cazn acknowledge something has gone wrong.