Relapse

[revoveryishard]

Had a really bad few months, a breakdown, sever depression and anxiety, a manipulative bully of an ex and bipolar. I stopped drinking. year ago as I always ended up doing cocaine but in June it started again when I lost my job, had a sever manic episode followed by the above. This week I have drank a ridiculous amount of wine and beer and last night I ended up doing some cocaine in my room with my mum downstairs and my son in bed. I am utterly utterly ashamed, this isn't the first time it has happened, i have done it 4 times this year and it seems to be escalating.

I have lots of support but I don't know where I am going wrong. I have deleted numbers off my phone. Told my mum and she is 100% behind me and believes I can get back on track again! I must do it for my children and myself before I end up dead or something happens and the children are taken from me. They are my life. I love them so much but I'm in so much pain.

So from today the drinking STOPS! I don't know how but I will. I know what I did was wrong but I am still a good mum to my kids and am very luck to have fantastic mum myself.

Please don't judge me too harshly, I am doing enough to if that myself 😟

No judgement here op. Relapses are a part of recovery. No one goes straight from point A to point B without relapses. Try to see a relapse as a learning experience. Learn what you can from it and get back on the wagon ASAP. You do this, your next relapse will be further away until eventually a relapse will be so far away it might never happen!

You say you have lots of support? Use it! Take every little scrap of support you can get. Go to AA meetings, open up, everyone there has been there and done that, people that won't judge and instead nod their head because they understand.

Go to your GP, getting help for mental health should be a priority.

I am trying to get very in top of mental health problems. I have a special nurse and a counsellor/hypnotherapist. I tried AA and I didn't like it, I actually found it made me feel worse about myself 🤷‍♀️ I know relapse is part of recovery but I so sick of being a problem and upsetting my family. I am also terrified my ex may find out and use it against me. I cant you the level of sheer panic I am feeling at the moment, I'm scared I won't be able to stay sober and I'll loose everything. I am so close to giving up because I'm just exhausted from the constant battle i face every day. I need a break, I need time to heel after my breakdown and to get my strength up for the children. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place ☹️

So sorry revo - don't give up. That's the addicted parts of your brain calling for more alcohol, it's pure biology and you can override it.
That you're posting here for support is a good sign! you know what you have to do (and what you have to not do!), and we're behind you.

Which is not much use, I know. Do you have anyone who you can at least confide in, to get some face to face support and hugs?

Mum died earlier this year after losing her struggle, after three years of trying to stay clean in a progressively more broken (by alcohol) body. We're luckily all grown adults now and we're surviving but your kids need you. Stay strong, you can make it.

I have my lovely mum, she is here pretty much all the time to stop me drinking but she works so isnt here in the day. I've not drank in the day before, I'm so afraid I can't do this. How could I do it with my precious little boy asleep in his bed. I feel so guilty. I know what I have to do, I just wish i could fast forward 6 months. I hate the person I and I need to change before I start to affect the children.

I also thought about calling social services myself to see if they could help but I'm scared they will remove my kids and put them with their dad?! But I'm also terrified someone will find out what i did and report me anyway. Would they take them? This alone should be enough to stop me. I want to be a healthy happy mummy 😢

Check your doctors website - they often have a link to addiction help, which will be a clinic locally (usually staffed by ex-nurses in my experience, who have seen it all) with lots of expertise, tips and tricks, and a shoulder to cry on if you need to. They’ll do home visits if you can’t get away due to kids.
They really can help. Please find them xxx

Today is a new day, feeling actually very positive and feel like that relapse had to happen in order to find myself and get back on track. I can honestly say that will be my last binge, I am looking forward to a sober life, getting back into running, eating better and being the best I can be!

Hurray! And another new day tomorrow. Good for you :)

Hi revovary, how are you? Hope you are still feeling positive, in your more down posts, it struck me that rehab may be an option for you? I had thought it impossible for me with three young kids but manged to attend as a day client and they were very flexible with hours so I could still mange school pick up etc...

Actually I'm very low at the moment, on 10 days sober, trying to stay busy and cook and clean and be with the kids. I think my hypnotherapy is starting to work but it's stirring up lots of emotions and I'm crying a lot. I can't go to rehab without my ex finding out and that will cause a shit storm I can't deal with. We are just back on speaking terms. My mum is basically living with me to help and I have new meds which seem to be helping a bit but they make me really really tired so I haven't been running which I feel guilty about. Also having lots of issues dealing with the guilt and shame of my past behaviour and how I've affected everyone around me. I'm just fed up of being depressed and Ill and struggling to bring up two children (one of which is very challenging). I feel like giving up because I've been like this over half my life and it doesn't seem to ever get better.