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Alcohol support

What to do about NC parent who is drinking themselves to death

10 replies

LooLaaToo · 13/09/2018 20:38

Long story, but I have been NC with my dad along time. He is in contact with one of my relatives who has kept me updated over the years. It would appear he is in the final stages of alcoholism: liver damage, continually drinking despite several recent hospital visits. The relative has said he just seems to have pressed the self destruct button. He is alone due to his terrible behaviour driving people around him away. He really is a pig at the best of times, let alone when drunk.

Should I visit? Part of me thinks 'I should' and part of me thinks I won't be able to help and don't need to bring his troubles to mine and my families life. He will want much more than I could possibly give.

Have any of you been in this situation?

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NuttyMacaroon · 15/09/2018 11:27

My mum died 7 years ago. Alcoholic cirrhosis was the cause. I wasn't NC with her, but my sisters and Aunt mostly were. They did visit, when she was in intensive care in an induced coma for a week or so (which was the big warning that she might not have long left) and then afterwards when she made a short lived improvement and was home for a couple of months before falling ill again, and this time she didn't come home.

We are all glad that they did visit - I dread to think how they would have felt if they hadn't visited and she had died - it is so final. Plus it was lovely to see mum happy to see them, she was so ill, in her fifties but looked more like 80, but seeing them really cheered her up.

That said, she had stopped drinking about a year before she died, (unfortunately too late for her liver), I'm not sure if they would have visited if she had still been drinking - she was really awful to be around.

Thanks it really is a horrible situation to be in Sad

LooLaaToo · 15/09/2018 22:27

Thank you "NuttyMacaroon*. Sadly he is still drinking and by all accounts is an utter arse when drunk. Phoning at all hours, swearing and demanding visits and making up illnesses. It really won't be a walk in the park. My partner will not allow him to be in my children's life. This means in practical terms I won't be able to offer him much anyway and I know from my relative that he wants alot of support and help. Ie, he's been talking about who will look after him in his old age etc. Hmm He has non one except a few calls a week from my relative who's not close too him. But he's also a persistent liar and incredibly manipulative.

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Runrunrudolf · 18/09/2018 07:24

Sorry to hear your struggles LooLaaToo
We were going through a similar thing with my father except he was living at home With my mum.
sofa ridden for months from convulsions, jaundice and close to death. He's in rehab waiting for funding and we're just going to see if he gets or if hes back manipulating her.

It's ultimately up to you if you go visit him but from my experience they are very childish manipulative and won't be afraid to lie about anything! It's not a pretty sight you want to see.

Sending hugs!

LooLaaToo · 18/09/2018 21:08

Sorry to hear that Runrunrudolf. How very sad and stressful for you and your mum. Alcohol really is the work of the devil.

Well, it appears I may be too late. He was admitted to a specialist liver unit 2 days ago and it's sounding bleak. I still haven't visited as he won't even know I'm there anyway and I can't be someone who turns up just because someone is dying. Does that make sense? There's now quite a lot more information coming out about how he's been living and his health. It's all so tragic and my mind is swimming with feelings of guilt and sadness , then I feel logical and think I couldn't have stopped him even if we hadn't been NC. We were NC before his alcoholism got to this stage but he was a heavy drinker for as long as I can remember. I just have to remind myself of that AA saying: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Easier said than done though.

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RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 21:11

He did it to himself. You saved yourself. Many don't. Good for you, good for your children.

Dapplegrey · 18/09/2018 21:15

I just have to remind myself of that AA saying: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Easier said than done though.

I am sorry op for what you are going through - it's very painful to see a close relation drinking themselves to death plus all the awful behaviour that makes alcoholism such a dreadful condition.
Could you go to some al Anon meetings? There you will find people who will have experiences what you are going through.

LooLaaToo · 18/09/2018 21:26

It's odd because he was a bit of a crap father to be honest but now I keep thinking if him with rose coloured glasses like we were all the bloody Bradey Bunch. Confused

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Moonflower12 · 18/09/2018 23:00

I do this about my stepfather. He drank himself to death aged 59. I think of him with affection. In fact he was an arse especially when drunk. Sending you hugs- it's hard. Thanks

LooLaaToo · 18/09/2018 23:12

Thank you Moonflower12. Sorry to hear you've trod this path. My aunt called me tonight and said she thinks I should come and say goodbye. I know I should, but I don't see the point. He's unconscious and we aren't going to be having any sort of relationship afterwards. I'll just be doing it because I'm meant too. It's all so hypocritical and pointless. We haven't even set eyes on each other for 20 years FGS.

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LooLaaToo · 18/09/2018 23:24

I will confess to having a daydream earlier that he made this amazing recovery and I visited and we were all hunky dory and happy ever after. Just why is my mind doing this? He's a pain in the arse. He always was and always will be. He's not going to have a personality transplant with his liver transplant (he's not actually having a liver transplant, that's just part of my fantasy recovery scenario).

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