ROCK BOTTOM - - Anyone tried SMART Recovery

[HCHQ]

I drink. A lot. Everyday. I hide it well; don't fall over or vomit but my temper & foul mouth engages at the most nothing thing.

Last night it verbally abused the most precious person in my life. I don't even remember what I said. The pain & hurt in his eyes this morning is unbearable. I'm so ashamed & disgusted with myself.

I've come to work but have booked a hotel for tonight as I'm too ashamed & disgusted to go home.

This isn't the first time its happened but somehow he's always found a way to move on although I don't believe it was actual forgiveness which isn't surprising and nor would I except that.

If I've lost him then there is nothing left.

Earlier this year I tried to stop, managed about 60 days but caved when we went on holiday. Managed to moderate the intake until May but I became unemployed (by choice) over the summer and that's when the drinking ramped up again.

This has to stop. I have to stop. It may be too late to save my relationship but I have to try.

I've read the books - Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, Mrs D Goes Without, Moderate Drinking & the Sober Diaries and they make perfect sense.

I don't think AA is for me due to the religious element. Has anyone got any experience with SMART Recovery?

Its going to be a long day ...

Hi there. I just want to offer my support to you. I've been in your shoes - exactly where you are now. I too did not want to go down the AA route (I tried it when I was younger) and at the time I truly believed what they were telling me (that AA was the only way) and I'd end up in prison or dead or in a mental institute if I didn't take the path of AA. Now some years on I know that it is possible to recover differently. Just do some research or googling online and you will find positive stories about people that recover on their own or via different methods. I chose to do it on my own for my own personal reasons. It has its drawbacks. There's no support network patting you on the back and no 'friend' that understands when you're having a day of bitterness that you can't drink or a temptation thats echoing round your head. I imagine I'm those times AA is most helpful and the good thing about the fellowship is it is anonymous. Right now you're feeling hungover and vulnerable and trust me that is intensifying your feelings of guilt and hopelessness. Give yourself one night's sleep and 24hours of not drinking and you WILL regain a small bit of mental clarity. You will regain more and more as those days and hours pass. This sounds harsh but you can't worry about the person you've hurt and the minute (that will come second) you keep mulling thar over in your head and you'll be drinking again by this evening because you won't be able to cope with how you feel. Sort yourself out first. Theres no need to call yourself an 'alcoholic' or make dramatic submissions. There's a simple truth - you know as well as I did - you have a problematic relationship with alcohol. You and alcohol do not mix. Like me it seems you have form with the stuff. Moderation didn't work for me (tried and failed miserably - my relationship with alcohol was just too messed up) it was like being in an abusive marriage and trying to make it non abusive. The dynamics just weren't changing. I took power and control over my own situation and I made that decision that I was going to not drink alcohol today (probably for the rest of my life) but one day at a time. There's a good book that kind of echoed how I've so far given up. You might find it useful.. I'll look up the title in a minute. Your partner obviously loves you. He's stuck by you before and probably is all too aware you have a drink problem. Gentle proof - one day at a time. No big dramatic statements or overloaded promises. Just prove yourself slowly. I have no experience of Smart recovery or other alternatives but many others on here will have and I hope they'll be along to offer other advice to you. Make a decision today. The rest of your life will sort itself out gradually when you do. Don't look back. Start living. Good luck Op

Thank you Bizkit.

I didn't reply yesterday as had to hold it together whilst at work, but you words really helped me to focus on what I need to do.

I spent an awful night in a fleapit hotel.

Am back in work now and am gearing myself up to going to a Smart mtg this evening ... Then home to face the music.

Afternoon @HCHQ .

I'm glad my words helped you a little yesterday. I know how you feel right now is dreadful and it feels like it's never going to get any better. Trust me i really do know how you're feeling right now. Staying at the hotel was no doubt miserable and depressing. It might prove to your partner (i assume this is the one you upset) that you are shamed to come home and you know what you've done. In a way i think you did a good thing by giving you both 24 hours of headspace. You need mental clarity to deal with this, otherwise it'll come across as yet another hungover grovel that'll seem empty to the receiver.

Do you feel just a tiny bit stronger for having 24hours without alcohol? Do you feel ready to seriously think about stopping? start counting the days,it gives you momentum. Go home tonight after work,and when you do keep things simple.Apologise,but don't be over profuse, he/she would have heard it all before ( certianly did in my case anyway) say you are ashamed at who you become when you drink. You are ready to face the fact that you don't drink in a healthy manner and you have chosen to stop. Ask if he'll support you? I dare say if you haven't received a text saying your bags are packed or you're relationship is over you've probably got another chance there. Everybody is always says 'it won't be easy' it isn't actually that hard. It's stopping initially thats hard. As the days goes by it gets easier. Remember some facts, because thats what these are FACTS: drinking is not calming,and alluring and exciting,it genuinely isn't. It's the thought of it that's so compelling,the fantasy of how good it will feel. The reality is only the first glass is that good,do you ever really enjoy the 2nd 3rd 4th? truthfully? that's usually when the drunken chaos starts. Drinking does not make you feel better? Does it? long term - it makes you feel far far worse. Not everybody is doing? relaxing with a glass or 5 of red on a friday night?it's a lie that industries sell us to get us to buy alcohol and those cheesy little 'it's wine o clock'kitchen displays.Plenty of people have lots of fun and a full life without the need to drink booze. We just edit that out when we're tempted for a drink. It's easy to get those 'well just one won't hurt,one or two' but if you're honest with yourself is it ever one or two in your case? now i'm honest with myself, i know full well, for me,it was NEVER one or two.Just another lie to myself to lure me back into drinking. Just start getting honest with yourself, bugger all the needing to exclaim to all and sundry you're an 'alcoholic' or you 'can't drink'no negatives. you do not have to tell anyone anything. Just be totally honest with yourself (and your partner) and leave the rest to deal with when you have some sober days behind you. you CAN do this.I did and i'm the last person i thought could do it. my advice is a bit garbled,apologies. I'm here if you need any more advice or support. Start the positivity, start the new you. Good luck for this evening when you get home... I do hope your partner can support you in your life changes.

oh ps excellent decision to go to the SMART recovery meeting. Brave and positive. congratulations on that. Let me know how it goes?

Thank you again ... wise words & yes I am feeling better - calmer, clearer & positive.

Really pleased to hear this. Just keep at it. If you do have any problems when you get home please try not to let it throw you of course. Just remember your partner is allowed to feel the way they feel. They have that right. The same way you have the right to feel your new found positivity. Relationships may take a little longer to recover but each sober day is a bit more proof. No more instant gratification! Here's the book by the way....

It's a down to earth realistic read. Just a normal problem drinkers story and guide to a very normal recovery. No dramatics

Thanks - just Kindle'd it.

Bottled out of the meeting last night but had a lovely calm chat with P and feel supported if not quite understood - just yet!

Thanks you again - really appreciate your help

I'm really glad your partner is being supportive. You've got love and support behind you and that's a big help to you. Dont worry about bottling out of the meeting. Just please don't do what I did so many times before and thats think 'phew. All is OK. I haven't lost anything. Ah its not as bad as I thought. I'm over it now' if you've got a problematic history with alcohol the likelihood is you'll find yourself in this position again. Not trying to be doom and gloom but just realistic. All the very best of luck. You've got this

Did you get to a meeting in the end? I'm contemplating a Smart Recovery meeting but have never spoke to anyone who has been to one!

To the poster Limpbizkit... I just want to say thank you. I know your words were for someone else but they are so very helpful.

@legohouse I'm so glad my posts helped you. That's really good to hear

They've helped me too