Nc alcoholic father is in hospital

[ScoutAtticus]

I have been Nc with my alcoholic father for over 10 years. My DB is recently in touch with him after little contact for the last 20 years. I had a call yesterday to say my father is in hospital with end stage liver failure. This is the one of many hospital admissions this year and two stints of rehab. However, it sounds more serious this time but he has cried wolf do many times. DB has told him he won't be visiting him due to his previous manipulative behaviour (including two faked over doses) and he'll speak to him if he seeks proper help this time. He refuses proper rehab but will 'dry out' for the duration of a hospital admission and then claims he's been through rehab. I am fully supportive of my brother even though I know other family members are we aren't running about after him. That's of course despite the fact they aren't doing anything themselves of course . I think it's a case of being cruel to be kind. I just wanted to see if anyone else 'gets' this situation. I have no one to talk to as even close friends seem shocked I'm not reuniting with him in his time of need. I just feel numb to him and think he's bought it on himself. I even wish he'd just have a heart attack and have done with it.

Say this time he isn't crying wolf? Would you regret not saying goodbye? Would you regret not being there for him? End stage liver failure sounds pretty final to me and if I'm correct, isn't something he can come back from? The liver regenerates but once it gets past that stage, it can't recover I think. It sounds like your father is going to die. That's an awfully blunt thing to write but it might help you make your decision? If he is going to die, would you regret not being there?

If that's the case, go to him, keep him company, be there for him. If it turns out he is crying wolf, cut off comms again and leave him be.

I know you don't want to open yourself up to the disappointment and hurt again. But holding on to anger and resentment isn't healthy (though that's easier said than done, I know). He probably knows he's done awful things, he probably knows he's fucked up his relationship with you and your brother.

Sod what everyone else thinks. They haven't been through what you have. Don't factor their opinions in. This is about you... I reckon if you ask yourself those above questions, you will have your answer.

I'm on the other side in that I'm a recovering alcoholic.

I can only talk from my experience but I fully understood family/friends not wanting to engage when I was not accessing help and actively working in sobriety (I'm in AA and have a sponsor).

My family needed to put their needs first, they had heard the cries of wolf before. I needed to do it for me and stop feeling sorry for myself and expect everyone else to feel the same way towards me. There is a bit in the AA book about trying to control the show, I don't know if you can relate your father's actions to this.

See if there is an Al Anon meeting near you. It is support for families of alcoholics

@RightyHoChaps. TBH, I have thought about this alot and I don't want to see him. He cut me and DB out of his life due to his second wife not wanting us and this was long before the alcoholism came to light.

I also don't like the hypocrisy of being in touch with someone because they are dying. You have to ask yourself who you're doing it for. You or the person dying? I can imagine sitting there feeling such a fake. But I just feel people looking at me like I'm a monster when I say I don't intend on seeing him. I have no idea of this is just fear talking as I know it will be really difficult to see him. I also don't know if I'll regret it. But right now, I don't think I can bring myself to bring him back in my life just because people say that's what i should do.

He got in touch via the police with my DB at the start of the year which is when we found out his wife had left him a few years back . His mental health was very poor and DB was put as next of kin and then there were lots of hospital admissions, police welfare visits, a few arrests for assault and so on. My DB was dragged through the mill and my father couldn't give a shite how it affected my DB who has a young family, a wife who has never met my father and a job to hold down. He'd think nothing of causing a drama that meant DB had to drive 3 hours each way to visit him in the early hours of the morning. He's an unpleasant, self centred, manipulative, egotistical man made a whole lot worse with alcohol. If I gave an inch, he would take a mile. He has no one so is now putting as much emotional pressure on as he can. DB hasn't spoken to a Dr so for all we know this story about the liver failure could all be a crock of shit.

@buddhasbelly. Well done for your recovery. I think you know exactly where we are with this. My DB has borne the brunt of all this and has finally cracked. He told my father in no uncertain terms that he will only see him if he accesses proper help. DB got him a place in rehab a few months ago and he refused to go. This is the third admission in hospital where they give him something to help with symptoms whilst he dries out. But there's no follow up or counselling so lo and behold, he leaves hospital and it starts again. He needs proper rehab in a centre where he has counselling and until he does that I can't see what DB can do.

I don't know what I want. Just to 'talk' to someone who has a poor or no relationship with an alcoholic parent at the end of the road. I'd like to hear if anyone visited or chose not to and whether they regretted either decision.

I was NC with my father when he as admitted to hospital for the last time ( he wasn’t an alcoholic but was awful). He had tried the “Im dying” trick once too often and I refused to go.
He did die that time and I have no regrets about not visiting or going to the funeral. Due to a complicated set of circumstances I actually had to go to the hospital the night before he died to collect my brother who was visiting him and I waited in the cafe. I had no interest in him at all, as far as I was concerned he had died several years before.

You could imply that you have seen him without going. Perhaps phone hosp and ask how he is. Then if some interfering busy body asks just say he s not well, it's very unfortunate/sad . Without saying you don't see him.
Or make sure not to have contact with do gooders. I wouldn't go, people say that the dying want closure/ to mend the past but that hasn't been my experience. They want to not die or they're ready to die as they've had enough ill health. Whether anyone is visiting them or not.

Thank you. @Hoppinggreen. I hear you. That's exactly how I feel. Like my grieving was done along time ago.

@AlmaGeddon. That's a great suggestion. I'll just tell the do gooders that I am in contact with the HCPs. I just can't buy into this idea that I 'should' see him. I have tried to resolve our relationship before and he made it clear he wasn't interested, or only if his wife didn't find out. that was the time to sort things and fix this broken relationship. Not when he's dying when there's no future to the relationship and it's just to benefit his sense of guilt. I just can't stand this BS.

My brother tried to guilt me into seeing our father
I refused, he said I would regret it but I knew he was wrong.
You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone, my brother didn’t have the same relationship with my father that I did so he had no right to tell me what I should do/feel
Ignore the do gooders, they know nothing

HoppingGreen thank you

My Dh has this weird thing that if he heard that someone he used to know really well (say work colleagues) is dying, even if he hasn't seen them for a long time, he will ask do I think he should go to see them.
I always say, if it's not someone who you see on a regular basis then it is intrusive.

You don't just go and see someone because they are dying if you have had no contact for a long time.
As far as your father, if you feel that you don't want to get involved in his life again, then don't. Whether he is dying or not!

Then that's what you should do. And there's nothing wrong with that. You have your reasons and people should respect that.

I have asked this question of myself alot recently regarding my father. He isn't alcoholic but I feel very similar about his past behaviour and current. It wouldn't really bother me if I was there or not whenever he does pass.
I find that sad... not that I would miss him. But it's sad that a father-daughter relationship can get to that point.

There is a point that everyone reaches where you can't take someone else's crap anymore. It sounds like you've reached that point.

I hope you find others to talk to.

Thank you all.

Be selfish - do what is best for YOU. I visited my nc alcoholic father when he was hospitalised purely for my own sense of closure. He caused me a lot of pain and it was my way of finally putting an end to it all. He died a few days later and I don’t regret my decision. It was purely selfish. My brother on the other hand didn’t want to see him and I respect that. I hope you have a good support network around you OP and good luck xxx