Absolutely failing at looking after DF

[noideawhattodonow]

I've name changed for this as it's completely outing but I am just lost and need somewhere or someone to talk to about this.

It's currently my day off, and the school holidays. I'm doing an 80 miles round trip with dd to visit my father. I cried last night about even coming and now I'm here I want to cry again. Dd is bored because yet again dad is doing nothing (he's early 60s) whilst I'm hoovering and mopping and changing the bed. He is beyond lazy.

We lost my mum last year to alcoholism and dads had his fair share of alcohol issues and a transplant. He's in the last year lost his driving license for drink driving. The house is a tip. He doesn't eat well. His only life is going to the pub for 2 pints a day.

He's just out of hospital where he was in for 3 weeks- it was brilliant. A relief for me. Now he's out all I get is daily messages of moaning about his
Illnesses, his tiredness, his bowel habits. Yet he can go to the pub. About his cough but he smokes a lot with copd. He's got no money and likes to borrow but always has money for cigarettes and alcohol.

I've tried to cut ties, doesn't work in the only person in the world he has. I've thought about moving to near us (I just can't do it). I've begged the hospital for help. To no avail. I've begged him to change.

I am exhausted, I'm bitter, I love him and we used to be so close but now I'm bitter and angry and our relationship has fallen apart. He won't get a cleaner, says I over react, says he will but doesn't. He doesn't see the mess.

I'm still sorting out all his paperwork, all his bills, all his prescriptions. He rings me constantly. He's lonely. He's depressed. But this hasn't just been the last year it's I'd say been the last 15 years but it's worse now
Mum isn't here although she was an alcoholic too.

He calls me selfish and useless constantly. That I'm lazy and self centred and should do more. It was my birthday a few months ago-
He totally forgot. I didn't remind him.

I have just read that back I sound so so so selfish. I've just got a new job, I feel like I don't get quality time with dd. And I literally feel pulled in all directions and like I am doing a rubbish job of absolutely everything and I am exhausted.

It's hard this man worked so so so hard until he was retired early, all the savings are gone. Mum has gone. Everything has just gone and I just don't know where to begin, he's not even drinking at the moment

Hold up - you are NOT selfish. At all.

Have you ever contacted Al-anon? They provide excellent support for family/friends of alcoholics.

I’m sorry, I don’t have time to write much atm, but and i’m sure wise posters will be along for more support soon!

You don’t sound selfish at all, in fact you ought to be a bit more selfish as I think you need it.
I’ve been there, being the only one left to care for an alcoholic parent so I know just how hard it is.
What helped me stay sane was to set up a list of chores and needs I felt able to help with - the rest was left to her or social services. I would set days of the week of when I would come and help and stick firmly to it. It’s hard and you feel horribly selfish but you need to have boundaries for your own sanity.
One of the biggest side effects of alcoholism is selfishness and it sounds like your dad has got it bad! He will try to make you feel bad for putting yourself first, he will probably up the ante in attention seeking but if you want to survive it you need to stay firm in putting yourself first.

Hugs to you though

Oh god how awful for you.
I’m wondering if you can see his GP on your own and arrange for Social Services to come in and assess. He’ll resist like hell. Can you afford a carer to come in twice a week?

Your sanity is at stake here. Whatever you do, hang onto to it, guilt-free, at all costs. I’d do everything possible to keep contact to the bare minimum. Don’t take his calls. Do what is required until external help kicks in (my experience of this is minimal, so hopefully someone who’s walked this walk will help you mark out this path).

And when I suggest ‘do what is required’ I mean minimally.
Don’t feel guilty! Guilt and shame is what your alcoholic father is giving to you instead of love.

because you can never have enough of these!

Thank you, I'm sat here hiding in the spare room crying at this kindness.

He's not drinking at the moment but it's a waiting game.

I begged in the hospital for an alcohol worker or a social worker and I got nothing. He's got a few session of physio that's it.

In the folder it states 'patients daughter fine to help with housework'

I work full time as a nurse (paediatric thank god) so should do more for him, I get no
Time with dh or dd, and we can't move closer as dh is Forces. Dh bought me horse not long ago to get some me time, he's me absolute world but I'm always rushing him to fit everything else in. I dread dad calling me now.

Some of his friends try to help but I don't know how long that will last.

I've got out of coming here for 2 weeks but boy have I been made to feel guilty about it. I am guilt tripped about my job. My horse. Time with my family.

You need support, not your Dad. He is making his own choices. Remember that. He is choosing to smoke with COPD. He is choosing to drink.

Break the cycle. You aren't responsible for him. Contact Al-Anon and back the hell away while you still have a life to live . Contact your local SS, get him whatever help you can, and you've done your part.

I tired al Anon and got nowhere because I'm in touch with him.

The gp was absolutely no help and SS don't seem to want to know which is fair enough because these problems are self inflicted.

I've walked away before- all that happens is he ends up back in hospital or isolated

Leave him to rot. This is damaging for your Dd.

I feel like he's not bad enough to get help because he lies- like alcoholics do. And 2/3 pints a day doesn't sound bad but with a liver transplant it is

You will never be able to do enough to help him, you are fighting a losing battle.

There’s no easy route out of being the child of an alcoholic, whatever you decide it’s always going to be mingled with guilt and anguish that you are not doing enough. That’s how they want you to feel. They are masters of the ‘poor me’ act.

I really can’t recommend enough doing what works for you. Put yourself and your dd first, you deserve it.

Thank you, for everyone's kindness

OP I think you need to take a step back and look at this as a nurse rather than as a daughter.
You are actually being an enabler of your dad’s addictions to alcohol and nicotine. As long as you carry on cleaning up the house, sorting his bills and paperwork, riding to the rescue - he will carry on as he is.
There is no incentive for him to change, because you keep picking up the pieces. This is almost codependency.
Tell your father that you will not be doing this any more, that you are too stretched with your job and your own home and family. He is your father - it is his job to look after you, not the other way round.
Once he is responsible for his own mess, it will be up to him to sort it out. If he doesn’t, then he will have to sleep in a soiled bed. He will have to deal with final demands for bills. He will have to step up and be an adult again, instead of being infantilised and dependent on you.
Whether he gets a grip on things or not is HIS choice, not yours. You can’t live his life for him and you can’t cure him. You can only limit the damage to yourself.
I know this isn’t easy and you will be guilt tripping yourself and thinking you owe him some duty of care. But you are making him worse by helping him to keep drinking and saving him from the consequences of his actions.
For his sake as well as yours, OP - withdraw now.

Jeez that’s tough.

I’d really draw back and retreat into my own life, if I were you. Detach. Bare minimum. Don’t take his calls. You can call him once a month, for example. You have to set your own terms and not feel guilty about them. He made this mess. It’s not your responsibility to fix his unfixable life. You’ll be chasing your tail and his.

My brother is an addict and the lies are just mind-boggling. It’s like he uses a pile of bullshit as cleaning fluid to wipe up all the other bullshit he stains his little world with. Anyway, this isn’t about me. Sorry. But I hear you with the lies. Lying is the only thing addicts and alcoholics CAN do properly.

Bare, bare, bare bones minimum, OP. Be strong. Just tell yourself over and over, it’s not your mess. It’s not your responsibility. This is not cancer or Parkinson’s or the result of an accident. This is alcoholicism and alcoholics take no prisoners and give no quarter. Don’t get swallowed up in his quagmire. 💪

You cannot help him because he won’t help himself , we had the same issues with my grandmother . You need to detach yourself emotionally and do the bare necessities ie get him one of those emergency Bell things / get SS involved if he will have them and then leave him to it . If he spends all his money on booze and fags do not give him more money , if he ends up in hospital make it clear to them that you will not be looking after him or his house when he is discharged so they can organise something else . You are not doing yourself or your family any favours by trying to do it all / trying to change him into the father /GP that you want him to be - it won’t happen . Unfortunately cases like this are the reason lots of people won’t donate livers because they give them to people who have already ruined their own and just set about ruining another .

I know your all right, and I really try to step back and end up
In it again.

It's hard because I know the stress affects my marriage and is the reason we've had 5 early m/c in 18 months.

When he was last in hospital I hid under the radar, and did nothing. Told them I wasn't accepting him home etc.

Unfortunately they put him in a taxi and sent him home anyway

As long as the hospital send him to his own home and not yours, that’s fine, OP.
His house, his life, his mess.
He can either get his act together or choose not to. I think AA call it tough love - you have to let the alcoholic hit rock bottom with no safety net before they’ll be motivated to do anything about it.
You are harming him in the long term by enabling his drinking to continue. Stop enabling, stop harming, back off and let him face his problems himself.

I'll help at the moment as he's not had a drink for 2 months but he's been told and he knows I'll walk away again.

The thing is he still has no motivation still

So I shall start to retreat again

I hope you find the strength to cut ties, he is abusing you and it's costing you your marriage and likely having another child.

I would write and send recorded delivery a letter to social services/vulnerable adult people stating that you will no longer grow at all and anything he says about you doing x y z is a lie.

What a very sad story. I am so sorry for you, I hope you can start to prioritise yourself and your family soon. No one would blame you