I'm at the end of my tether with DH

[mrsjackrussell]

Dh of 25 years has always been a drinker and has drank every night for years. He never seems drunk but always tired and going to bed early and snappy and irritated with me and dc. Also has no sex drive.

Recently he had dangerously high blood pressure 164/100 and was told to stop drinking by his GP. He admitted to me that he was drinking up to 10 beers and a bottle of wine a night.

He managed to stop and was just drinking when he went out but then it crept up again. Iv told him if he doesn't stop I can't stand the stress anymore and that we will need to separate to try to jolt him into stopping.

He has stopped again but went out for a 3 hour walk today with the dog. I just don't trust him.

I suggested AA but he refuses to go. Iv given him until October. What more can I do? I know I can't make him stop and it needs to come from him. Sorry for the long post.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
I'm not sure why you've given him until October. He's had 25 years. And ultimatums rarely work on alcoholics. You either put up with it or one of you leaves. And not "to try and jolt him into changing" but because you deserve better.
Would you consider going to Al anon yourself to get support?

Thanks for your reply. I know in reality that I can't stop him but it's such a shame what he's doing to himself. Iv even made plans what I'm going to do when he dies because I can see it happening.
It just makes me so angry as I have a neurological disease and gradually getting more disabled and he doesn't want to get help for this.
Good suggestion about AA for me. I'm going to look into it.

Good luck. You deserve better. You can't make him change.

Thanks. I know you're right

The problem for you isn't really if he dies, it's if he doesn't die. (I mean if he doesn't stop drinking and he doesn't die). His health could get worse and worse, meanwhile you - with your own health problem - will be left picking up the pieces of the mess he makes.

I agree with Wolfie - there's no point giving him until October. He was never serious in the first place - who gets told by their GP to stop drinking and interprets that as 'apart from when you go out' FGS. He doesn't want to stop drinking and you need to focus on making the best life you can for yourself.

I know my worst nightmare is him having a stroke and being disabled. I wouldn't be able to look after him anyway.
I need to let it go because he's gonna do what he wants anyway. It's just no way to have a relationship. We keep arguing because of it. I'm just going to let him get on with it and look after myself.

I’m in a very similar situation. DP of 18 years is a very heavy drinker and weekends are becoming unbearable, he gets drunk, slurs his words, he wants to cook on weekends and then makes a huge mess that I end up clearing up, gets verbally aggressive and then falls asleep. My teenager daughters have brought a friend and boyfriend to our house, he promised me he would stay sober, and got drunk. I asked him to stay in a local hotel this weekend as dd boyfriend was coming and he took himself off on a long weekend trip!! I feel he has rewarded himself for his bad behavior!! He won’t leave and I can’t leave. I know he can’t stop drinking and as a stay at home mum I am financially controlled by him. I just don’t know what to do anymore

Hi OP, I just wondered how you were doing? Your H sounds similar to my F. I wish my mum had left him a long time ago.

Hi all first time here just logged on for a chat or more of a release
I'm a recovering addict myself of cocaine and I am 5 years clean still every day is a struggle however I have my demons in a cage and I am pushing forward it's not what I want to talk about what I am struggling with is the loss of love.
I had been in a relationship with the most beautiful woman in the world for 2.5 years and had to recently end it due to she is an alcoholic
Not only has the bottle took its toll on our relationship she has problems with jealousy attention seeking insecurities and needs closure from a cpl of things in her past as a child and I'm sure all these boil down to her drinking to block out reality.

I for one know how hard recovery is I still take one day at a time and wake up and count my blessings for what I have.
However she can't grasp it and get it under control and she knows she needs to stop and the things that I have seen her do to herself and the shit she has put me through was starting to take its toll on my health however I stayed strong and never bite on going back to my poisonous demon
I have seen her stay sober for 8 months so I know she can do it however it's when she has constant attention she manages because people work round about her to "treat her like a princess" if she's on her own for a certain amount of time the urge goes for her and then sends her on a downward spiral
Within these years we have been on and off all due to her problems not just alcohol but with all her other addictions in life
in the start I caught her sending naked pictures to a coworker that talked her into it when she was drunk "she said she done it because she was lonely and wanted the attention " but I was constantly with her if not working so it was oobviously bullshit so I split with her and we had been apart for a cpl of months
After that we managed to get over it and move on still knowing she had a drink problem and other issues she knew she wanted to take control of her life so we dug deep I took time off work to go to counseling with her I walked her to AA meetings all on her choice thinking this is it she will start living and for months she was getting better "well she was sober but not better" (only with 20% of her problems i.e drink the other 80% still haunts her and eats away at her and she can't seem to stop that.
She started back work in a different department thinking fresh start and only after 3/4 weeks in she was back on the old vino because someone said something to her she didn't like and instead of standing up for herself she goes to the off licence and blocks it out
So it was back to square one and from that day it had been a struggle for to cope I had caught her drink driving gave her the wtf do you think you were doing she could have killed herself or someone else she told me she was sorry told her it's only words put the actions behind it then I will believe her but obviously again it was all bullshit then 1 week later she set my kitchen on fire as she tried to make dinner and got rattled and fell asleep however I was lucky enough that I managed to get away early from my work that night or I may not have had a house to come home to so again that was me saying enough is enough and asked her to leave and within the space of 24 hours she was back on a dating site to seek more attention to make her feel good that's what she does but it's what they ask her and she is gullible to do that scares me as she is very easily taken advantage of because she thinks that sending pics or videos or phoning these guys that's how to get a relationship however "that's how she'll get a reputation" we stayed in contact and again started "a relationship" if you want to put it like that.
However I had tried everything within my power to help and realized that I wasn't in a relationship I had became co dependent and tried everything within my power to control the situation in hand but it wasn't enough no matter what I did the drink had more of a hold on her than any heart could bleed and it was starting to take its toll on my health I hated coming home thinking what will she be like even asked myself what would I do if she has died while I am out because she has choked on her vomit so I ended it 8 weeks ago and still can't get her out my head I refuse to answer her texts because I can't bare the thought of being sucked back in but a can't bring myself to get rid of her number because I still hope for a miracle no-one is born an addict it's the choice we make and it's a choice we do to get clean and stay off it but for some it's too much and they only think of there next bottle or line or whatever there fix is
She may not have much of a life left if not grasped now and if I could say to anyone being someone who's been on both ends for those that have the courage and the discipline to get clean and sober life is so much better sober when you can smell the roses and see the rainbows and stars
And to all those who are on the recieving end on looking after the loved one never give up if the one your with also has fight however if you start to go under due to someone else then it's ok to leave we can't be co dependent we can't control them and we can't watch them die in our eyes.

I will always love my butterfly but I can't stop her from destroying herself
So to all on both sides be strong but most importantly be true to yourself as life is short ❤️🦋

Hi national. Thankyou for asking.
Situation is still the same although we are now going to couples councilling as I was seriously thinking about leaving and I just thought that might help.
He has a ton of issues including an abusive childhood anxiety depression etc which is why I think he drinks.
He's put on a lot of weight and says that he's going to stop drinking in January but I will believe it when I see it.
I do wonder the effect this has on my children. They're all teens. My eldest is always worried and asks him to stop drinking regularly.

5years. I wasn't sure if you meant to post here or start a new thread. It was very long and heart felt. Hope you're OK.