Starting to think I may have a problem

[Starfish]

I drink every night. A couple of weeks ago, after making an ass out of myself whilst drunk at a party and picking a fight with my best friend, I decided I needed to stop drinking. I got three days in and decided, as I'd had a rough day, I needed to just numb out and bought eight cans of beer. This easter weekend, I've either been drinking, drunk or hungover constantly and I'm starting to realise that I've lost control of it.

I don't really get hangovers, I work full time and do okay at my job but come home literally every night and drink myself to sleep. My friends like to make jokes about how we're all functioning alcoholics so maybe this is just normal? I don't even socialise anymore unless booze is involved.

I don't know if I'm just being overdramatic to think that I have a drinking problem or if I'm just a binge drinker... I have BPD so I'm prone to being a bit histrionic but I've had nearly a bottle of wine tonight already and don't even feel particularly drunk.

I don't even know what I'm expecting from this thread, maybe just a different perspective... I don't know where to go from here.

I think you definitely have an alcohol problem. Also its likely that your social group is skewed towards heavy drinkers, since you prefer to socialise with alcohol.

I’m not really qualified to answer your post but I would say that you do have a dependency. It also sounds like you have friends who are in the same boat, which normalises the behaviour. Drinking is deeply entrenched in our culture which makes it difficult to see the difference between ‘normal’ drinking and the start of alcoholism.

I’d say the red flag parts of your post are:

Drinking when alone regularly;
Avoiding social situations without drink;
Setting yourself limits then breaking them;
Feel like you’re not in control of it.

Well done for posting. You can work this out OP - acknowledging the problem is a big part of it!

Thanks guys, I appreciate the replies.

I think I have a really stereotypical view of what an alcoholic or someone with a drinking problem looks like, having grown up with several violent, abusive, alcoholic stepfathers (mum definitely seemed to attract people like that) and it's hard to cast myself in the same light. I've thought about AA in the past, and my therapist recommended going, but I think to go to a meeting would be to admit I have a problem and need to change and that's so scary. Having had mental health issues for most of my life, becoming 'healthy' can be frightening for me because it's new, I guess?

Sorry, I'm rambling.

It does sound like you have a problem. A lot of what you posted rang very true to me. I've been sober for nearly 7 years, so believe me, it can be done.

The book that really helped me was this one. Non-judgemental, written by someone who knows what he's talking about, and outlines the various ways you can go about getting some support, of which AA is one option.

However, look at it this way. You have mental health issues. You know they aren't your fault, and you need to seek treatment in order to manage the condition effectively. You have a therapist who helps you. Why would your alcohol problem be any different from that?

Absolutely key to recovery in my view is admitting that you have a problem. I know I would not still be sober if I hadn't basically told everyone from the beginning of my sobriety - work colleagues, family, friends, you name it. I was extremely ill, however, so I didn't get the 'oh we all drink far too much it's normal' kind of pressure, but I also pretty much avoided pubs and socialising in the evening - I still do. I like to catch up with people mainly one-to-one, over lunch or coffee.

Why don't you start with giving up alcohol for six months? Lots of people, including many alcoholics, can manage one month but six months takes real commitment without being so overwhelming as the idea of never drinking again, which can make you want never to start. It will involve getting through events like birthdays or weddings where drinking is almost regarded as mandatory, and it will involve looking very carefully at your triggers, and anticipating how to head them off. Your 'I've had a rough day, I need a drink' is an absolute classic. Over time you'll start to spot these before they happen, and can have a plan for what to do when wine o'clock is clanging loudly in your head. As you start to feel the benefits of being alcohol-free, you'll realise alcohol isn't helping you manage your stress, quite the opposite.

I used to read posts like the one I've just written on MN and think 'but that could never be me'. But it is. You can do this. Good luck.

Lots of great advice from tribot I am 2 years sober and I remember being where you are now. It is good that you have shared with your therapist - there is so much stigma associated with having a drinking problem which can make it very hard to get help.

I referred myself to my local drugs and alcohol service who were very helpful. I didn't go to AA but I know it works for lots of people. It's certainly worth a try - I might check out my local meeting in the next couple of weeks just to get a feel for it. I did go to some SMART Recovery meetings but I didn't like them much and they were all in the middle of the day which isn't any good if you're working.

Have you thought about your local addiction services ?

There is lots of online support - I am happy to send you some links if you would like. Personally though I think real life support is crucial, I found getting sober painfully lonely especially as I knew there were other women just like me but I had no idea who they were or how to reach out. Because of this I set up a support group for women in my area (Birmingham). We meet every 3 weeks. If you are in the area and would like to come please PM me.

I know that's a lot to take in. Reaching out is a huge step. You really can do this and it will change your life immeasurably. X

The idea of going six months without drinking seems so impossible. I didn't even manage a few days when I tried to quit before. I have a pretty stressful job and I feel like just having the chance to down a bottle or two and go elsewhere in my mind for an evening makes it not feel as overwhelming.

I don't have a current therapist, I'm currently on a waiting list (which is up to a year long) for an emotional coping skills group/DBT therapy thing and I keep thinking I'll stop drinking when I get into the group but what with how depressed I feel the day after a lot of alcohol I don't even know if I'll make it til then.

I'm sorry I'm just venting right now, I'll probably have more insightful things to say tomorrow when I'm not two bottles of wine in but it's such a vicious cycle. I spend my days wondering why I drink but then I get home in the evening and I just can't help myself..

Have a listen to the ‘Home’ podcasts, available on soundcloud for free. Start right at the beginning and work your way through.

Two smart, attractive (very American ) women discussing their journey from alcohol-dependent to sober. Searingly honest, supportive, imaginative and inspiring. Listening to them has helped me stop self-medicating with booze - I’ve been sober for a few months now.

Hi Starfish
I hope your still awake to chat to me. I have just started to try and cut down. It would take me well over a bottle of wine to even hit the spot to relax and stop stressing. At times two didn't touch it. I would get up tired but still function. Who do you have at home when you finish work?

It sounds like you are developing a problem and becoming dependent. I would seek help before it gets out of control. I am not a doctor but I've seen the affects of alcohol dependency in my job and growing up.

You are at risk of developing Korsakoff's syndrome which is alcohol related dementia it's common in older men who used to go to the pub every night after work.

Also Alcoholic polyneuropathy which can lead to the loss of limbs and a long list of other health conditions.

I'm sorry to be blunt. It's a very slippery slope.

Starfish how are you this morning ? There are lots of people to support you so even if you feel awful try remember that reaching out last night was a huge step. Today you need to try and take another step.

Thank you all for your replies. I feel silly about posting last night, like I'm making a big deal over nothing.

I function on the day to day and manage to keep a roof over my head so I'm not a completely hopeless case... I think. I have a housemate who is pretty honest, if a bit of a people pleaser, and I think he'd tell me if he was concerned about me. We're very close friends and I've spoken to him about wanting to quit in the past but then he makes comments about us going out and getting trashed, asking if I'm going to staff socials (which always involve alcohol - we work together, he knows this) and he's not even a drinker. I just think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill with this. If he was concerned at all then he'd take me saying I want to stop drinking seriously.

I'm in a bit of a pit tonight...

In the nicest possible way, it doesn't matter what he thinks. What matters is whether In your heart you think you have a problem and that's something only you know. No one thought I had a problem, if I asked they would just tell me not to be silly and say my drinking was normal. I kept everything together but inside I knew I had a problem. The feeling niggled away at me and I tried all kinds of "rules" in an attempt to moderate but I always found a reason to make an exception.

I can't say whether or not you have a problem but I can say I can see a lot of the old me in your posts.

He doesn’t want you to stop drinking, because it would mean he loses a drinking partner and might have to question his own alcohol use.

He’s being very, very selfish. However this is common in our society because it is rammed down our throats from day one that alcohol is necessary to:

Have fun
Connect with others
Destress
Lose inhibitions (and therefore feel freer)
Celebrate anything at all
Enjoy a nice dinner

It’s all rubbish. A societal lie. No one needs booze to do any of those things but it’s so ingrained.

I regret all the conversations I have had with people I can’t even remember - that’s the opposite of connecting, it destroys real intimacy.

Social inhibitions are in place for a reason. Think of all the things you’ve said and done whilst pissed that you regret.

Alcohol does help you relax in the very short term. Maybe for ten minutes that first feeling of release when you have a glass is wonderful but after that comes nothing good. And those few minutes are not worth it. For the knowledge that you are poisoning your body, that you’ll feel like shit in the morning or at the very least feel grey and low and low in energy.

Alcohol is a powerful toxin. The use of alcohol causes so many diseases and deaths. Also, pissed people hurt each other, emotionally and physically.

Stick to your truth. Don’t look to anyone else for their blessing with stopping drinking - they’re on their own journey.

Oh and you’re not making a fuss - you want to improve your life and maybe even save your own life.

You can do it.

Atrocious the flat mate is not a drinker.

This doesn't make him an expert on your relationship with alcohol, however, Starfish. Your last post sounds like you're reaching for a (pretty lame) excuse to not stop drinking.

That's your choice, though - every drink is your choice.

Ah I missed that (flat mate not a drinker). However he still seems attached to thinking of you in that way.

Everything I said still stands.

OP when you say your flat mate isn't a drinker - do you mean he doesn't drink at all. How does he handle all the work socials which you've said always involve alcohol ?