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Alcoholic partner, new baby
Newmom84 · 30/03/2018 07:57
My partner of three years has a problem with alcohol. I knew about his problem from day one, and it has always been very up and down - sometimes he manages it brilliantly, other times he is off the rails. He is the kindest most brilliant person, but his alcohol problem is getting bigger.
He drank throughout my pregnancy which created a lot of stress. At about 6mths pregnant he started going to counselling and making a massive effort to drink less, and I really thought we cracked it.
I gave birth a few weeks ago, and I had to stay in overnight. He was meant to come to the hosp first thing in the morning, but he didn’t turn up. I found out he’d used my bank card to go on a massive bender with his friend. So as I was recovering in hospital with our new baby, he was out getting wrecked. I can’t even explain how devastated I was and still am by this.
Last night he offered to look after the baby so I could get some sleep. Heard her screaming in the early hours, and when I went downstairs he was passed out surrounded by bottles.
What do I do? He knows he has a problem. He has the support of me and his family. He starts to make changes but falls off the wagon. I love him and he is so amazing when he is not drinking, but I don’t want this for my baby or for me. Coping with this, alongside the stresses of a newborn, feels so overwhelming. Any advice???
Bluntness100 · 30/03/2018 09:20
I would also say if something happens to that child, she is accidental hurt because he is drunk, which could easily have happened last night if he came too and picked her up, or passed out holding her, then you'd both never be able to forgive yourselves and you could easily both face criminal charges as well as having your child taken off you.
Please don't under estimate the seriousness of this. Choosing to live with an alcoholic as an adult is a personal choice. It's a whole different ball game when a child is involved.
blueskyinmarch · 30/03/2018 09:21
I am a social worker and am coming at it from that angle. Your DP has placed your child at significant risk of harm in the first few weeks of their life. You need to be the protecting partner. You cannot leave baby with him at all. If he hurt her or, god forbid, even kills her you will never forgive yourself. I am being blunt and brutal here. This can and does happen. I have had to deal with it through my work.
Can you be candid with your HV about this? Yes she may pass it on as a concern to SW but then you and your DP will get support and he will be under no illusions what he needs to do to rectify the situation.
If not, can you ask him to leave the house and stay elsewhere until he has got his drinking under control? Would his family take him in.
This may 'only' be 20% of your life that is affected by his drinking now, but it could easily, and very quickly, become 100%. You need to act on this right now. We are all here to support and help you.
TheCrowFromBelow · 30/03/2018 09:29
You asked him not to drink for one night. He couldn’t do it. In effect he has left you!
When you need him he is not there, or even worse there but incapacitated.
You cannot make him stop drinking.
You can take a decision to remove your baby from harms way. 20% is a lot of time.
Bluntness100 · 30/03/2018 10:28
Do you have parents is a good question. Because it addresses whether it's really not feasible to leave or you just don't want to. The other good question is can he leave? Because one of you needs to.
When you come on here and describe a situation where one parent is upstairs asleep and the other parent is passed out drunk downstairs With a new born, then no one is going to come on here and say anything other than this has to immediately stop, because a child's life is at risk.
Before he passed out he would have been very drunk. Do you know if as he was getting drunker and drunker and alone with this baby if he lifted her, did anything with her, change her, soothe her, feed her? Does he even know? The answer is very likely neither of you know.
When you get so drunk you pass out when caring for a new born, then it needs to be game over immediately. Both of you must be able to see that in the cold light of day.
Sarahjconnor · 30/03/2018 10:30
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
GinaLinetti99 · 30/03/2018 10:41
You are capable of leaving him. Go to family, or friends, or contact Women's Aid.
He has put your newborn child in danger. Actual danger. If he had fallen asleep with the baby on the sofa, your baby could have died.
Come on OP. Without sound harsh - you need to get your big girl pants on and sort this out. He needs to go. He cannot parent.
LoniceraJaponica · 30/03/2018 10:41
Please listen to all the advice on here, and please tell your health visitor. She will be able to access some support for you.
I know we have all been pretty blunt about your situation. Some of us have had direct experience, and it never ends well.
You absolutely must put your baby's safety first. do you have any family at all? Do they know your situation?
OliviaBenson · 30/03/2018 10:48
You can't love him better op. Drink will always be his first love. He's shown you that.
You have to leave. You cannot bring up a child. Alcoholism only gets worse as well.
My dad was an alcoholic and my childhood and life has been ruined to some degree by that. The worse thing is I resent my mum for not leaving.
inamechangedforthispost · 30/03/2018 10:53
Well if it's only 20% of your relationship that's fine!
Seriously, give yourself a reality check.
You left a new baby with their Father and the best they could do is get pissed. I can't believe you're asking for advice on here (which you're going to ignore anyway) rather than packing his bags.
Is he acting like a responsible new Father or acting like an alcoholic? You and your baby are not as important to him as drink.
PotteringAlong · 30/03/2018 17:45
It’s not 20% of your relationship. It might have been, but now you have a baby it will influence 100% of your decision making.
You cannot leave the baby with him. Ever. You cannot get in a car with him. Ever. You cannot trust him not to drink away your finances. So you need to work and you need to pay childcare out of your salary alone bEcause of points 1 and 3. And that’s only 3 things. This is now your entire relationship.
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