Alcoholic partner, new baby

[Newmom84]

My partner of three years has a problem with alcohol. I knew about his problem from day one, and it has always been very up and down - sometimes he manages it brilliantly, other times he is off the rails. He is the kindest most brilliant person, but his alcohol problem is getting bigger.
He drank throughout my pregnancy which created a lot of stress. At about 6mths pregnant he started going to counselling and making a massive effort to drink less, and I really thought we cracked it.
I gave birth a few weeks ago, and I had to stay in overnight. He was meant to come to the hosp first thing in the morning, but he didn’t turn up. I found out he’d used my bank card to go on a massive bender with his friend. So as I was recovering in hospital with our new baby, he was out getting wrecked. I can’t even explain how devastated I was and still am by this.
Last night he offered to look after the baby so I could get some sleep. Heard her screaming in the early hours, and when I went downstairs he was passed out surrounded by bottles.

What do I do? He knows he has a problem. He has the support of me and his family. He starts to make changes but falls off the wagon. I love him and he is so amazing when he is not drinking, but I don’t want this for my baby or for me. Coping with this, alongside the stresses of a newborn, feels so overwhelming. Any advice???

[PotteringAlong]

It’s not 20% of your relationship. It might have been, but now you have a baby it will influence 100% of your decision making.

You cannot leave the baby with him. Ever. You cannot get in a car with him. Ever. You cannot trust him not to drink away your finances. So you need to work and you need to pay childcare out of your salary alone bEcause of points 1 and 3. And that’s only 3 things. This is now your entire relationship.

[JaneEyre70]

You're very naive OP if you think this is 20% of your relationship when he's pissed 100% of the time.

[inamechangedforthispost]

Well if it's only 20% of your relationship that's fine!

Seriously, give yourself a reality check.

You left a new baby with their Father and the best they could do is get pissed. I can't believe you're asking for advice on here (which you're going to ignore anyway) rather than packing his bags.

Is he acting like a responsible new Father or acting like an alcoholic? You and your baby are not as important to him as drink.

[OliviaBenson]

You can't love him better op. Drink will always be his first love. He's shown you that.

You have to leave. You cannot bring up a child. Alcoholism only gets worse as well.

My dad was an alcoholic and my childhood and life has been ruined to some degree by that. The worse thing is I resent my mum for not leaving.

[LoniceraJaponica]

Yes, this is a safeguarding issue.

[expatinspain]

I think you should ask him to leave for a while. It might shock him into getting some help. If anything happens to the baby while he's drunk, you will lose your baby.

[Cockmagic]

Op give your head a shake!

Quite honestly if you won't leave your partner you don't deserve your baby, anything could of happened!

You are failing to safeguard her.

Choose!

[LoniceraJaponica]

Please listen to all the advice on here, and please tell your health visitor. She will be able to access some support for you.

I know we have all been pretty blunt about your situation. Some of us have had direct experience, and it never ends well.

You absolutely must put your baby's safety first. do you have any family at all? Do they know your situation?

[GinaLinetti99]

You are capable of leaving him. Go to family, or friends, or contact Women's Aid.

He has put your newborn child in danger. Actual danger. If he had fallen asleep with the baby on the sofa, your baby could have died.

Come on OP. Without sound harsh - you need to get your big girl pants on and sort this out. He needs to go. He cannot parent.

[BertrandRussell]

Normally I would say boot him out rather than leave. But this is a crisis situation.

[Bluntness100]

Do you have parents is a good question. Because it addresses whether it's really not feasible to leave or you just don't want to. The other good question is can he leave? Because one of you needs to.

When you come on here and describe a situation where one parent is upstairs asleep and the other parent is passed out drunk downstairs With a new born, then no one is going to come on here and say anything other than this has to immediately stop, because a child's life is at risk.

Before he passed out he would have been very drunk. Do you know if as he was getting drunker and drunker and alone with this baby if he lifted her, did anything with her, change her, soothe her, feed her? Does he even know? The answer is very likely neither of you know.

When you get so drunk you pass out when caring for a new born, then it needs to be game over immediately. Both of you must be able to see that in the cold light of day.

[BertrandRussell]

“It’s not feasible to leave right now, the baby is a few weeks old.“

Seriously, you have to. Neither you nor the baby are safe. Do you have parents?

[TheCrowFromBelow]

You asked him not to drink for one night. He couldn’t do it. In effect he has left you!

When you need him he is not there, or even worse there but incapacitated.

You cannot make him stop drinking.
You can take a decision to remove your baby from harms way. 20% is a lot of time.

[blueskyinmarch]

I am a social worker and am coming at it from that angle. Your DP has placed your child at significant risk of harm in the first few weeks of their life. You need to be the protecting partner. You cannot leave baby with him at all. If he hurt her or, god forbid, even kills her you will never forgive yourself. I am being blunt and brutal here. This can and does happen. I have had to deal with it through my work.

Can you be candid with your HV about this? Yes she may pass it on as a concern to SW but then you and your DP will get support and he will be under no illusions what he needs to do to rectify the situation.

If not, can you ask him to leave the house and stay elsewhere until he has got his drinking under control? Would his family take him in.

This may 'only' be 20% of your life that is affected by his drinking now, but it could easily, and very quickly, become 100%. You need to act on this right now. We are all here to support and help you.

[Bluntness100]

I would also say if something happens to that child, she is accidental hurt because he is drunk, which could easily have happened last night if he came too and picked her up, or passed out holding her, then you'd both never be able to forgive yourselves and you could easily both face criminal charges as well as having your child taken off you.

Please don't under estimate the seriousness of this. Choosing to live with an alcoholic as an adult is a personal choice. It's a whole different ball game when a child is involved.

[cowgirlblues]

You will not be able to stop him from drinking. Been there. Drove my ex to rehab three times! Went to AA, al Anon etc. Watched it worsen and lose a director level job, lose driving licence etc.

The only thing you can do is to let him hit rock bottom by himself and detach. It's hard and awful but that is the only thing you can do.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Do you think that you will be the first partner in history to "cure" their alcoholic partner if you just try hard enough? You won't. Only one person can do that, and that's him. And he doesn't want to. He's proved that to you already: booze is more important to him than his precious newborn daughter.

[Bluntness100]

If you're not willing to leave, then the first thing you need to do is never leave him alone with her. The image of a new born screaming and her father passed out beside her surrounded by bottles is horrific. That is the sort of thing they take kids into care for.

So first step is not to leave him to care for her ever. The second step is to think what it will be like to grow up with a drunk for a father and the damage it will do and decide if you are willing to leave at some point for your child's sake. At this stage I suspect you are not there yet.

You may make the choice to live in that environment, but it's very unfair to force your child to grow up in it. However even though you're not yet willing to protect your child as they grow up from it, at least protect their safety now and not leave him to care for her. He is not well. He is an alcoholic and as yet not in control of his desire to drink. The fact he got so drunk he passed out whilst caring for a new born tells you everything you need to know.

[Bananamanfan]

You can't leave the baby with him, he could easily suffocate the baby falling asleep/passing out. He also should not sleep in the room with the baby and deginitely not the bed if he has been drinking as your baby will have a greatly increased risk of SIDS.

[Newmom84]

It’s not feasible to leave right now, the baby is a few weeks old. I’m a first time mum and my head and hormones are all over the place, so I am really not in any position to leave. It’s also very hard because this behaviour is 20% of our relationship and life together - I know it should be 0%. I’m just stuck between a rock and a hard place l 😓

[Wallywobbles]

An alcoholic can never ever be trusted. Ever. He will drink drive with them. He will drink when he is in sole charge. You will always be trying to protect them from his alcoholism and it's crap. That is your truth.

[mzcracker]

Speaking as the child of an alcoholic parent please leave.
I watched my father drink himself to death and my mother lived each day wondering what state he'd come home in and wether we would have any money that week after he went on off on one his binges.
It's no life.

[Cirrys]

I agree that you need to leave. At the very least you cannot risk your baby's life by letting him look after her. He only has to fall over or doze off once and she could end up dead.

[Bananalanacake]

He stole your money to go drinking. Does he work and pay towards the baby. I agree with others best to live apart until he gets sober.