Struggling atm

[JeffreyNeedsAHobby]

Long post - sorry.
I decided to give up drinking in January and had been finding it OK - I wasn't a regular drinker but had issues around knowing when to stop when I drank - binging. I had confided in an ex alcoholic friend that I was concerned before Christmas as I was low and found myself binging two or more times a week. She continuously reassured me that because I didn't drink as heavily as she used to I didn't have an issue and because she felt comfortable around me I was not a bad drunk etc. I always checked if it was OK to drink around her and she voluntarily bought me alcohol several times, including bottles she had as gifts at home she hadn't used. I did wonder if she was minimising and almost pushing me further into my drinking at certain points. It came to a head when an acquaintance - a good 2 months later - told me my friend had confided in her that I was making her think of drinking again and she felt uncomfortable around me drinking ... the complete opposite to what she had been telling me repeatedly, despite my asking her multiple times and her knowing I was concerned about my own drinking. This acquaintance has been a quite dramatic influence on my friend and a separation - involving authorities on said friend on several occasions and having her own issues of hypochondria. For these issues I distanced myself last year, however my ex alcoholic friend stayed friendly, despite repeatedly moaning to me about her on an almost daily basis. Anyway the upshot is I flipped and vented about my ex alcoholic friend (she has been very close to me and I had thought I was being very supportive for a few years, and I have never vented about her before). I basically felt she had been very disloyal and given this lady, whom neither of us like, tools to humiliate me and make me feel like I was actually a bad friend, despite all of the support I have given. It was a shock and I was hurt and angry. I also had shame because this person was not a close friend and someone who I had considered a close friend had chosen to tell someone we both didn't particularly like about my drinking, without seemingly mentioning I was already concerned myself. I obviously regret venting now in hindsight but accept that the friendship is over, ironically lack of trust for me was cited by my ex alcoholic friend, seemingly without any inkling of how her or the acquaintance managed this situation or how long a lack of trust was going on from their end. I have now been left in the cold wondering what the hell I did, while they are all over social media still pretending to like each other. I know that is there choice and I do respect that. I just need some support to get me through going sober myself. I've not helped myself by stopping smoking and anti-anxiety meds within 3 months of each other as well... I just want to stop feeling like my heart has been ripped out and somehow I am being presented as the bad guy? I have apologised for venting and realise that made me a bad friend, but am I wrong to feel a hurt here? I feel I have lost out and she is still getting huge amounts of support. Not that I don't want her to have that...argh!

Sorry OP, it was a lot to take in - What are you struggling with? Are you worried you are going to drink alcohol again?

Yes I think i'm missing it and my anxiety is kicking in with the huge amount of self reflection and lack of sleep. Usually I'd binge around now to make sure I had a decent sleep, or at least wouldn't be up again all night. I haven't really looked into support for giving up as it felt like it wasn't really a big deal, compared to my friend, so I don't really know what to do in these situations. I've spoken to a friend on the phone tonight and she thinks I didn't have a problem either, but then why was I using it to cope with insomnia and anxiety?

Sorry, just re-read the jumbled mess of the first post. I've not slept properly for a few days and have been obsessing on it a bit due to anxiety (as you can probably tell from the post!).

I am a recovered alcoholic so I might be able to give a little support. If you have come this far without alcohol then you can do this, and I understand about using it for help with sleeping and anxiety but essentially it’s the worse thing for that. You don’t get a proper sleep, you ‘pass out’ rather than drift off to sleep, and essentially can make anxiety worse and all your worries will still be there for you when you wake up.

So, maybe think about trying to sort through some of your anxieties (with a sober mind), as I can 100% tell you that working through things honestly and openly is not as bad as it sounds.

Also, it doesn’t matter how much or little you drink - If you are drinking to forget your problems and help you sleep - Then this is a problem. You should seek professional support - and there is an abundance of support out there. Go to your GP first, address Your drinking and your mental health and they will point you in he direction of your local support.

Alternatively, if you rock up an any of your local AA meetings you will be welcomed with open arms. Alcoholics Anonymous is by far one of the best things I ever did, to be able to talk openly without judgement and receive honest answers - it’s enlightening.

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk

As the poster above said, if you are unhappy with your drinking and feel you have a problem then trust your instinct and do what you feel is right. Don't let other people's opinions sway you.

I think the two people you talk about are not the right ones to get supporting from anyway. One is struggling with their own sobriety (it sounds like) and the other is a troublemaker.

You need to find help elsewhere. Try AA, nobody will question why you're there, it's not a game of top trumps whose the biggest/worst drunk etc.

If you don't fancy AA there are other resources. Lots of books, Podcasts, blogs and forums on sobriety and quitting Alcohol. Spend some time reading and listening to those, think of it as self-care.

Thank you both. Have come back with a clearer mind after some sleep. Thank you for the advice - I knew it was an issue. In some ways I am glad this whole bizarre scene has tipped the balance to me giving up. I don't think I should use local AA's as my friend uses them locally and i'm not sure that would be helpful for either of us. I'll find some podcasts today though. I think I want to work through why I felt drinking was the best way to deal with confrontation and stressful situations too. I used to invite people over for a party and get so stressed i'd have drank half a bottle of wine before they arrived and get messy quickly, which isn't fun for anyone.

Hi OP

I gave up drinking 3 years ago. I was drinking in a similar way to you ie once I started I didn't stop but could happily go Sunday to Thursday without anything.

What struck me is that you've given up your meds and smoking too as well as having a major break up with a friend.

Was there a reason you came off your meds? Was it on doctor's advice?

I'd say the first thing to do would be to book an appointment with the gp and talk about ways to manage your anxiety.

Good luck. You've done so well to give up drinking and smoking. That's an amazing achievement

I too was wondering why you have stopped your anti anxiety meds?
Would second TheDonald's post ,

I think I want to work through why I felt drinking was the best way to deal with confrontation and stressful situations too.

Amen to that. I found that unpicking it and understanding was hugely helpful in helping me quit. I was a binger too, nothing during the week then utter carnage at weekends.

Thanks guys.
I came of the meds because they were making me tired all of the time and I had horrible withdrawal vertigo when I missed them - realised they had me on a very high dose so on dr's agreement halved them then decided to gradually wean off them altogether. I don't really want to be on them and decided to go on them, strangely enough, when I began hanging out with this group of friends! In hindsight that says a fair amount.

I've booked in to see a therapist today, so with some luck they can help me one on one. I also spoke to some old and very good friends today which has helped enormously. They all said I am strong, which helps remind me who I was before this all began. I just need to focus that strength on making sure I am being the best I can be and not get tangled up in other's issues.

Can I ask with you bingers - because it isn't a regular thing, did a lot of your friends say you didn't have a problem and that one or two wouldn't be an issue etc? I'm patiently explaining that I don't think I can just do one or two all of the time. Maybe I can do that one week but maybe not the next, for example. It's a bit of a roulette.

It's usually quite dependant on my mood when I think on it. If I feel lonely or stressed or anxious or awkward I binge. I don't go out much anymore so any chance I got had to become a huge night so that I felt I had "made the most of it". I found I was getting bruises and the anxiety of partially remembering was worse - although I always had the booze to blame.

Yes I had lots of resistance from my friends. Mostly from the ones I'd been drinking with since uni. I'm in my 40s now.

I've found since I stopped binging and had a few months off I now get really ill even from one or two glasses. I can't get drunk any more even if I want to because I throw up before I can drink enough to enjoy it. A few of my friends have witnessed this so they don't bug me any more.

Since I stopped drinking I have tried the odd glass of cider. Only last week a friend tried to persuade me that if wine makes me ill maybe I should try gin!

I have found other ways to cope with stress or anger, or with boredom, or that it's Friday, or the feeling I deserve a treat. The one thing I haven't found an alternative for is dealing with social anxiety. I used to drink at home before a party or night out. Not loads but enough to help me walk into a room and start speaking to everyone. I find it really hard now and my social life has definitely suffered.

On the plus side I really didn't experience any physical withdrawal from alcohol. I found giving up caffeine 100 times harder! It was more the psychological reliance on it.

did a lot of your friends say you didn't have a problem and that one or two wouldn't be an issue etc?

Yes, I get a lot of that. I CANNOT moderate and therefore having one or two is opening the door to big trouble. That's what I tell people if they keep urging me to have a drink. To be honest, I don't go out to pubs or parties so much these days. If I do I go in early and get out early before the wine really starts flowing.

My social life is now mostly day time activities with pals who either don't drink much or who are entirely sober. I am happy to spend my weekend evenings at home mostly feeling relieved that I'm safe. I put myself in a lot of risky and unhealthy situations through binge drinking on Friday/Saturday nights and I'm glad those days are over.

All of them keep asking "so you mean you're stopping FOREVER?" as if i'm nuts. Another says she drank more than me and still does but so does everyone. It's been a tough day and I feel like I can't turn off my mind. No appt yet for the therapy.

I think I feel myself closing off even more. I didn't get out much as it was and now the idea of being around any of these people or new people without booze fills me with dread. I had to ask another mum friend to do the school run this afternoon because the lady who is an ex-alcoholic messaged me saying she had "heard" I was "obsessed" with her. I replied that not everything revolves around her. It's hard though because i'm so used to being in default 'protect her' mode. I don't think I realised that I was never allowed to have a problem. As soon as I did she violated my trust and i'm still hurting.

Does anyone have any tips on keeping the mind busy? I'm booking things in for weekends and catch up with friends all over the place but I am going to run out of funds soon! Any tips for self care or suggestions?

Interestingly though both of those friends did agree I didn't know when to stop. So they knew there was an issue but hadn't thought it was a big problem. I guess it's all about how much I myself think it was a problem though.

the lady who is an ex-alcoholic messaged me saying she had "heard" I was "obsessed" with her. I replied that not everything revolves around her. It's hard though because i'm so used to being in default 'protect her' mode. I don't think I realised that I was never allowed to have a problem. As soon as I did she violated my trust and i'm still hurting.

It's a bit of a mess what's gone on with this woman and the acquaintance you mentioned but these things happen. Don't beat yourself up. I think for your own sanity you need to detach from both of them. It sounds like they might both thrive on drama so don't give it to them. Concentrate on getting yourself happy and sober.

I think withdrawing from certain parts (the boozy parts) of your social life is a normal reaction to giving up drink. You have to do it whilst you find your feet and decide how you want life to look going forward. I'm certainly finding that to be the case. As long as withdrawing doesn't involve going full on reclusive and isolating yourself which would create other problems.

There is a blog/podcast that I found quite helpful. It used to be called The Needy Helper but is now called The Truth About Alcohol (much better name). They guy who runs it talks about "filling the white space" ie keeping yourself busy when trying to stay sober. Things I've done to fill my white space include:

Making sure I spend time "working" on my sobriety. So that means making time to read books and blogs or listen to podcasts. This just helps me to remember why I'm doing it and strengthens my resolve, particularly as I don't go to any support groups. I used to do it every day in the beginning but less so now.

These are good blogs:
www.thetruthaboutalcohol.co.uk/
www.blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour

I've read lots of good books but Alcohol Explained by William Porter really made a difference to my thinking. You can get it on Amazon but he also has a website www.alcoholexplained.com/

Otherwise, to keep busy I've re-decorated my house, taken up gardening, I get a facial/Indian Head massage every 5 weeks, go hiking with friends and lots of cinema trips. I've tried sewing, knitting and crochet (am shit at all of them) and baking (better at that). I do at least one exercise class a week at my local sports centre and so on. Just anything, reading, tweeting, pinterest'ing, even binging on foreign detective dramas on Netflix or 4OD.

Yes I agree with Berk (sorry to call you that!)

You do have to avoid some drinking situations to start with. I am back doing all the things I used to do now though. It just took a few months to get used to being a non drinker. I found it helped to take the car and always be able to leave on my terms. I would offer lifts to people if they were ready to go but if not tough shit

I find a night in the pub is fine now and I often still go to the quiz with my drinking friends. I actually enjoy it if others are drinking and having a laugh but there is a point (usually around 10.45) where they either repeat themselves or get soppy or aggressive and that's when I pick up my coat and leave. I don't hang around once it gets annoying. Works for me and saves a fortune in taxi fares!

In terms of other activities I go running twice a week, go to Pilates, meet friends for meals, coffee, walks, shopping. I am trying to go to the theatre and cinema more (it always seemed like a waste of a babysitter before to go out somewhere you couldn't drink!)

At home I watch box sets, mumsnet, pretty much the same as before really. I have good intentions of reading or doing crafts but it hasn't happened yet.

What I don't do any more is organise nights out and parties at my house. I used to have people over a lot (single parent without many babysitters) but I don't any more because my friends still want to stay up drinking until 5 am and I want my bed by 11! Basically I've started to prefer middle aged socialising e.g. dinner or theatre and my friends still think they are students! I'm the youngest one and I'm 43

S'alright TheDonald

my friends still think they are students!

My friends, all late 40's/50's, think exactly the same - and so did I to be fair. However, we are no longer 19 and hanging out at the Hacienda and my days of partying until dawn every weekend are well and truly over.

These days I can't do a full night at the pub yet, I get a bit antsy and triggered if I stay too long. I can manage a few hours early doors and then have to scuttle off.

So much of what you both say resonates with me, thank you!
I am also a single mum and used to host a lot of parties. I've also felt that if it didn't involve alcohol it wasn't worth sorting out a sitter. I also have been binge watching Walter Presents on 4od .
I had a day out with another single mum friend and the kids yesterday and am feeling quite positive. It led to a good night's sleep which really helps with the anxiety.
I'm going to try those podcasts this evening, thank you both.

Glad the anxiety is eased a bit. Alcohol is a bugger for making anxiety worse BTW. Since quitting I find that my mind no longer races as much as it used to. William Porter's book talks about alcohol and anxiety.
Good luck with it all Jeffrey