Relapsed after 9 weeks sober

[recoveringmummy]

Utterly devastated that I picked up a drink after doing so well. I went out made a fool of myself, fell over and twisted my ankle badly, am covered in cuts and bruises and ended up sleeping with someone I picked up when I was out.

I can’t believe I’ve done this again, I’m so ashamed of myself I want to die. I keep letting everyone down. My family are so angry with me and I feel like a failure as a mother and daughter.

I don’t know how to come back from this, I’m so tired of fighting what feel
Like a loosing battle, I’m tired of being depressed and I’m just tired of everything. The only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful Children who deserve a better mummy (they are never around when I drink). I do keep thinking everyone would be better off if I just ended it all, I’m causing my mum In particular so much stress and she keeps having to pick up the pieces when I have a drinking episode. I just don’t know what to do anymore, it just feels all so hopeless.

How have you been managing your sobriety? Do you have a sponsor? If you've been going it alone, now is the time to accept that you need more help. If your GP isn't aware of your drinking, now is the time to make that a reality.

And particularly look at what triggered this episode. It sounds like you went for a night out. Did you plan how to manage what was bound to be a very difficult evening if it was your first night out sober? Were you with people who know about your drinking history? Did you plan for what to do if you felt the urge to drink?

When I was first sober, I told my friends that if I said 'right that's it, I"m off for a drink', they shouldn't tell me not to because that was more likely to make me do it than anything else. They should convince me to wait for 20 minutes and then see how I felt. I never needed to activate my 'emergency plan' but it helped to have it.

I would go to an AA meeting today, even if you're not in AA. Take action and keep working on your sobriety.

My GP is aware and I am already on antidepressants and s mood stabiliser (I have bipolar).

It wasn’t a planned night out, I drank at home and then had an argument with my mum about my drinking and stormed off and went out alone. I normally go out alone.

I tried AA and I didn’t like it, I get socially anxious and that’s one of the reasons I drink.

I feel like I need to go away to recover but that’s just not an option.

So why do you have alcohol in the house? What caused you to start drinking? It can't be social anxiety as you were at home.

Given you managed 9 weeks sober it doesn't sound as if you necessarily need residential treatment to kick start your sobriety. Either way it needs to be sustainable in the real world longer term.

I think if you are serious about your sobriety, and you want to show your mum you are serious about it, you do need to engage with some more formal support. Your GP should be able to refer you to the Drug and Alcohol service, it doesn't have to be AA. But that's something you can do today to start working on your sobriety.

If you haven't read Beat the Booze I can highly recommend it, it really helped me and it goes through the various support options as well.

With Christmas coming up, now is the time to start planning your support system to get through that without drinking.

I thought I could control the drinking and as I was sitting at my mums didn’t think there would be a risk of me going out.

I’m scared to go back to my GP as last time they referred me to social services and they have only just come out of my life. I will look at AA again as it’s private, I know there is a meeting Thursday nights so will go to that.

I just feel so stupid, I’ve got to kick this before I end up in a situation that I can’t get out of!

Look at it as a blip. Addiction is a disease and sometimes there's a reason for it. Try to get to the bottom of the root cause if there is one and address that too. Good luck.

The positives:
You're brave enough to come on here, and be very honest.
You sound like you really want to stop doing this.
You're honestly acknowledging how crap it is when you drink.
You've done 9 weeks clean- that's huge, that means you're basically clear of the ' physical' addiction, don't need rehab, and have some ways of coping sober.
You have a motive - your children. Although in the end, you have to do it for yourself.

But, you need more support, more ways to cope, and more clarity that one drink is too many.
Many people don't warm to AA, but still find that it works. Why not resolve to try it for 3 months(and then see), that's not such a huge undertaking.

What is it they say ? Only you can do this, but you can't do it alone.

I am bipolar and have drink issues. I am not an alcoholic but like you I have often gotten hammered and made a total wanker of myself.

You have done brilliantly to manage 9 weeks and you should be proud of yourself and keep the focus on that instead of your blip. Get back on it and keep on trying. I wish you all the luck in the world.

All you can do is keep on trying! Instead of focusing on this recent episode feel proud of the nine weeks you didn't drink! That's amazing and totally outweighs one drunken evening! It's happened, draw a line under it and start afresh. Please don't beat yourself up with guilt...look to the future now instead

I've never seen my mother sober for 9 weeks. Great job on making it that far. I bet you'll manage much longer next time. You don't need to be perfect you just need to keep trying.

I’m feeling so much worse today, everyday that goes by I feel more and more depressed and ashamed. I’m even having suicidal thoughts as I just want all the pain to go away. I’m such a mess my mum had to take 2 days of work to help me and now she’s had to go back and I’m alone. I can’t stop crying, I hate myself so much, I’m so so stupid. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day m :-(

I just saw your post. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. I have been sober for 18 months now and I’ve been where you are. 9 weeks is a huge achievement - you can do that again and more. This stopping drinking business is really hard and for lots of us this trying and lapsing and trying again is part of the process but when you’re in the thick of it it’s horrendous. Feel free to PM me.

I think you need to go back to the GP. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but you need help to get you out of this dark place. The more you focus on negative thoughts about failure, the more likely you are to use that as an excuse to drink again. Keep working on your sobriety, you can do this.

How are you getting on OP? Did you manage to get to an AA meeting last night?