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Original poster

DH relapsed

15 replies

emancipationofalex · 01/08/2017 21:30

After 2 years of up and downs, in and outs of AA and residential rehab my DH hit a terrible rock bottom that saw him end up in a mental health hospital from drinking too much and needed a physical detox.

He has been sober for 34 days and has been looking SO good, he's been going to AA 4x a week and running or cycling in the mornings for fitness. He's also on anti depressants that we're prescribed to him upon his release from hospital (he drinks because he's stressed and depressed... major financial issues).

Tonight he had a drink and I'm so upset and angry. I really thought we were turning a corner. It was only 1 drink but I'm in bits. I'm pregnant and worried about his behaviour slipping back to how it was a few months ago. I don't want to bring my unborn child in to such a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
emancipationofalex · 03/08/2017 00:33

Anyone around?

He had another drink tonight which I knew would happen. He's slowly slipping out of his routine and I'm devastated.

OP posts:
C4Envelope · 03/08/2017 00:37

FlowersSorry to hear you are having such a hard time, and your DH. One drink is enough to lower inhibitions enough to have another and another and another. Its such a shame but it seems as though some people (my DH included) need to be teetotal to stay sober. Sorry I dont have any advice to give, just empathy and flowers. Flowers

GrumpyOldFucker · 30/08/2017 06:40

Get him to read Alcohol Explained by William Porter.

He explains Fading Affect Bias (FAB) - which means over time the pas becomes more rosy-tinted. We forget the bad stuff and remember just the good times we had drinking. This makes it much more likely for a person to relapse after a month or so, when the immediate pain that drove him to abstain is forgotten.

rizlett · 30/08/2017 06:45

Op - the best thing you can do for him [and you] is to pluck up the courage for you to try Al-anon meetings - for families of Alcoholics. It will really help getting you the support you need.

PotteringAlong · 30/08/2017 06:47

I would leave. His rock bottom isn't rock bottom because you're still there.

You can't change him. Answer if he doesn't want to change then he won't.

Squeegle · 30/08/2017 06:50

I am so sad for you. I do have some understanding as I have been in a similar place.
You can't do it for him unfortunately, and the most supportive thing you can do is to have very strong boundaries for you. In your position I would be very clear to him and say, "I'm sorry, this isn't fair on me or our unborn child. If you won't choose to stop then I will have to stop living with you as my mental health is as important as yours and I have to be able to preserve it so I can look after our baby." You can't control what he does, ultimately it's a painful exercise to learn that. It took me much longer than it should have to learn it. And strangely that was what pushed my ex to become sober, knowing that I had given him the control. He is like your partner, drinks to deal with the depression. Has realised after many slip ups that dealing with the depression is the important thing- getting help and therapy, exercise and medication.
There is a good website called sober recovery which was a good source of strength for me: they have forums for friends and family. Also al anon. Good luck.

MrsOvenell · 28/11/2017 19:04

How are things now?

Original poster
emancipationofalex · 28/11/2017 20:00

Good I think Ovenell, thanks for checking in on me.

He has had a few drinks here and there since I posted mainly because he's come off his AD's and doesn't realise he needs to stay on them, but is soldiering on with his AA meetings and he is going to one every day now, even at weekends. I admire his tenacity and will to change. It would be a different story if he didn't care or wasn't making the effort with AA or his sponsor.

OP posts:
Mrsgpnurse · 28/11/2017 20:07

That's good :) glad he is making an effort. Take care of you though. Do you hold any resentment towards him?

Original poster
emancipationofalex · 28/11/2017 20:32

I try not to, though it's easy to say that when he's sober; if he's been drinking my mood towards him changes in a flash and I blame him for a lot of things wrong in our lives.

I know addiction is hard to live with but he's trying really hard to be completely teetotal in time for our daughter to be born later next month. It can't be easy or fun going to AA everyday, especially as it's cold and dark now in the evenings but he's going and he's engaging with the 12 step program. Just hope it lasts...

OP posts:
EastDulwichWife · 29/11/2017 17:28

I admire you OP. It’s wonderuk he’s at AA every day. Those who think it’s a once a week class are so very mistaken. Is he sober now?

user1497997754 · 29/11/2017 19:23

Get him to buy Jason vale book ....kick the drink easily....its brilliant

flatwhite45 · 03/12/2017 09:52

Your husband is doing brilliantly! From someone who is also in a 12 step programme, it seems obvious to me that he wants to change. Well done for sticking with him. I think people tend to forget that addiction (to alcohol or any substance) is an illness, people don’t choose to become addicts, and in my opinion they can’t recover through self will alone. He may have more relapses in him, however as long as he engages with the programme, there is every chance he will recover. Of course as others have said, you have to keep your boundaries in place and protect your mental health too. I wish you so much luck .

Original poster
emancipationofalex · 03/12/2017 17:43

eastdulwich yes he's managed to stay sober for a decent amount of time but that's only because he's sticking to a rigorous program - exercise every morning and going to AA meeting once a day, praying every day, plus lots more other stuff he does.

flatwhite thanks so much for the kind words. It's very easy for people to say "LTB" when I say my DH is an alcoholic and that really hurts because DH and I really love each other and see a future together. I think there's a huge difference between someone engaging in AA/12 steps and being in denial and ignoring seeking any help. I agree with you that he might have another relapse in the future as sobriety isn't guaranteed, but I do know he is making a big effort. How long have you been in 'the rooms'?

OP posts:
flatwhite45 · 04/12/2017 21:14

Hi OP, I have only been in the rooms since March this year. It took me five months of attending meetings before I was able to get any kind of sobriety under my belt. It’s a huge lifestyle and mindset shift. Your husband is clearly throwing himself in entirely, which is very encouraging. I dithered on the sideline for a while. However I am now four months clean and sober and I cannot begin to tell you how dramatically different I feel. your husband is lucky to have you. Sadly there are many out there who fail to see that alcoholics are sad NOT bad

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