Depressed alcoholic DH

[Robotrex]

My DH suffers from depression, which I know is an illness and outwith his control. That I can sympathise with, and though it's hard, I feel able to try to support him as best I can, particularly when he's really unwell. However, he chooses to treat his depression with alcohol, and is an alcoholic as a result, though he does not fully accept this. This I cannot tolerate as it has nearly destroyed our life together on more than one occasion.

I love him very much but after a long, long time of the repeated cycle of depressive episode, severe alcohol abuse, recovery and return to work, minimised drinking etc I have realised that I can't live like this anymore, it's just not how life can be forever.

What I want to know is how do I go about separating from him? I fear for his health, he may even try to take his own life. I worry what he may do to me, psychologically, regarding our possessions & finances, professionally, and less so, but physically too. And lastly, but most importantly, the effect is separating this will have on DS (4).

Can anyone offer any advice about how best to handle all this?

Thanks in advance

Hi, I'm sorry you're going thru this & no body else has replied yet

I separated from my XP when my oldest DC was the same age as yours, in similar circumstances really, tho I didn't fully realise that at the time - he was good at putting on a front & a high functioning alcoholic with a professional career. He was never agressive or violent, but was unreliable, inconsistent, unpredictable and at times dangerous (would fall asleep while cooking etc) I was walking on eggshells by the time I left & didn't want to carry on bringing DCs up in an environment that was only going to get worse. My XP did actually suggest we split up a while before we actually did, retrospectively I'm not sure if this was because he wanted to get in first , or to make it easier to drink. Do you think youll be able to put it accross calmly or will it end up (or even get blurted out) in a big row?

Sadly my XP's continued drinking was just too much for his body & after a couple of close calls he did actually die this year. Not telling you that to scare you, but because I am so glad that I left when I did. After I left I felt able to confide in family & friends(mine & his) and their support to both me & him has been invaluable. The DC were able to build a "normal" life with only limited exposure to him being very very ill. The separation aspect was ok for them, obviously his death has been more difficult, but I'm relieved Ive had chance to build a strong support network for all us before it happened & we're doing ok. Do you have friends & family that you can talk to? (I didn't find this easy but everyone was brilliant & I was surprised, if sadened, at how common this situation is)

I do remember feeling the huge responsibility of feeling I needing to help him, but he had his own choices to make, whilst the children need you to make the right ones for them. Do you think he'd accept that it's in both their best interests not to see ds when he's been drinking?

That probably doesn't answer your questions, but I hope it helps to know you aren't the only one.

Thanks for your reply. I'm so sorry you've been through this too, and for your exH's death.
My DH is a functioning alcoholic too, though he's currently signed off work for a couple of weeks for depression. Inevitably he's used this time to drink pretty much every other day. As a result I've had to miss work on a couple of occasions to care for DS (not the first time that's happened). This is partly why I feel now is the time to call it a day.

Though I know DS is aware that Daddy is not feeling well, he doesn't see him drunk as he's usually in bed, or DH is drinking elsewhere. He does know Daddy sleeps a lot though, there are often bottles and cans left around, and we argue a lot. This affects him I'm sure, and I hate that.

I think I can tell DH in a calm manner, whether he'll believe it and how he'll react I don't know. I have occasionally said I want us to split in anger and frustration, which is why I think he may not think I mean it.
The difficulty I have in making the break is when he's not drinking I see how ill he is and want to help him. Plus, if he's having a good day, he's great to be around and a good Dad to DS. All of that is now completely outweighed by his drinking though. The sense of responsibility that you describe is how I feel. Although I know I'm not responsible for his actions and choices, I can't help but feel I should support him, and if I take away my support he will crash and burn.