Partner's drinking

[LambChopsMcGee]

I've been worrying about DP's drinking for a few years now, but it seems to have suddenly become clearer in my head. I'm not sure, though, how much of the problem is booze and how much is him. He has recently spoken to the doctor about his drinking so I suppose I should wait and see what happens. Talking to him about that though made me realise how much he drinks.

He drinks every day. Since I met him about 8 years ago I have only known of one or two days he has gone without booze, and that has left him visibly twitchy.

He sits up for hours after I go to bed and drinks about 4 cans of 5% lager, or 3 pints of ale (about 5-6%) every night. He often falls asleep on the sofa and is groggy and grumpy if I come to get him. More than once it has been very hard to wake him. Once I thought he was dead and it took two firm slaps to the face to wake him (I was panicking!).

He has about 70 units a week, I think. If he's been at the pub all evening he will still open a can of lager when he gets home, which was one of the things that I thought odd. Even if he gets home at midnight.

A while ago (over a year) after I had mentioned my concerns to him, he started hiding beers around the house. I noticed this when I picked up a gym bag and it was very heavy. I confronted him about this and he promised to stop hiding them. It happened again though and later I found hidden empty beers, including in his work bag. I made him promise that this wouldn't happen again but it did.

He gets quite nasty when he is drunk. Says things that are probably fair but quite hateful.

I don't really know what I am asking. We have a baby, 6 months old. I love her very much so feel torn when I catch myself thinking I should have left him years ago.

Well he does sound like a classic alcoholic. You're right to reassess your situation because an alcoholic husband is one thing but an alcoholic Father? Another thing entirely.

If you want to leave him of course you can. Relationships will be much more busy than this section though...you can, if you like, report your own post by clicking the "Report" button at the top of your OP....and then a box will pop up...ask them to move this to Relationships.

People there are lovely, knowledgeable and many have been through this exact thing.

OP I doubt you'll ever change him, he has to seriously want to. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and I've had lifelong issues because of it. Please get yourself & your baby out of the situation, maybe losing you both will help his wake up call? Alcoholics only ever get worse in my experience (a few in the family) and you both deserve so much more

Thanks. I don't know if I can leave him...I tried enough before (I never managed because he would get so upset...) and he loves DD so much, she really is the best thing in his life and he is pretty miserable otherwise, problems with anxiety etc.

He's also said if I leave he will fight for custody of the baby, and that scares me. I know that sounds awful. I guess it is.

I also wanted to try and make things work and eventually move back to where I am from as a family. Things can be ok sometimes. I guess it's stupid to think he will actually change though. He's not cut down at all even though he's admitted there is a problem. He says the doctor said not to stop suddenly, and I know that is a thing, but I thought he might reduce slightly.

I do worry about DD seeing him drink so regularly. I've never been anti-booze (we've always shared a love of craft beer etc...sigh) but I have decided to stay of the drink even when I stop bf as the fights are always worse if we have both been drinking -- I don't put up with it as much is one way of looking at it.

We just had a bad-ish night last night i guess is why I am venting. He was quite snarky when he got home. It later emerged that he'd shared a bottle of wine with his mates in the pub (on top of the usual x pints) and you could really tell. He gets very childish and refuses to shower (another bone of contention between us...he will go days sometimes and it upsets me as the bed smells and it's only ever me who changes the sheets). He fell asleep on the sofa surrounded by curry and cans and was (verbally) fighty when he came to bed.

Ugh. I'm tired so it's getting to me more.

Would you find it hard to leave him? Are there any logistical issues (house, mortgage, finances)? Do you want to leave him?

Arrgh - massive cross post fail on my part while I was dithering and dallying. Will read your latest post and reply further if I have anything useful to add!

Yes we have a mortgage (only bought 18 months ago). I paid the deposit, too, so a part of me worries about getting my fair share back if we split. He earns more than me, so I worry about affording to live without him.
I'm not from the UK and I would really like to go home, but that is a separate issue and I don't think he will ever agree to it anyway. I know I can't up and leave with DD. She would be angry at me about that in future, I know. My mum told me (when I was 21) that she had considered leaving my dad and moving to another country when I was 3, and I found that quite upsetting.

Ok, I was initially going to say that five cans isn't too extreme in alcoholic terms in that he would be unlikely to experience serious withdrawals at those levels but if his doctor has advised him not to suddenly, perhaps he is drinking more than that. Or perhaps the GP is erring on the side of caution. In any case, that is like manna from heaven for his GP to have told him not to stop suddenly. It's catch 22.

It is extremely unlikely that he will be able to reduce.

His anxiety will be caused by the drink. That may be one carrot you could dangle for him? Tell him that his anxiety will dissipate with even a week off the drink?

Your more recent post paints a darker picture than your initial post. The lack of hygiene and the aggression are big enough reasons for you to consider leaving him.

You can't decide what he needs to do though. What you have to decide is what do you need to do.

PS. He wouldn't stand a snowballs chance in hell of winning custody, given his drinking.

Ah, there are always financial constraints, aren't there! It's never as easy as 'just split up'. Perhaps someone could advise on the mortgage/deposit aspect of things? It's not something I know anything about.

Realistically, I think you leaving the country would be a non-runner. Could you handle going it alone over here? Bear in mind he would need to pay maintenance.

Thanks myoriginal3. I guess I need to give it some thought. I don't have a lot of faith that i will manage to leave, seeing as I failed to when we had no baby, mortgage etc, but I need to think about it seriously.

It's a difficult one alright! Give yourself some time to mull it over.

As a sort of intervention, could you try to write him a letter, laying out how you see him i.e. a stinky sodden aggressive man (maybe just be factual lol, rather than using those terms!). Also lay out the positives of not drinking.
It might spur him into trying to reduce, clean his act up a little.
Then both you and him might have a clearer picture of how things are likely to progress and what you need to do.

That might not be a good idea if you are in any way likely to receive a backlash.

I've sort of done that before :(

After his work Christmas do, which he came home from in a right state (I I was woken by him crashing about in the bathroom at 4am (lights off, no windows) and he was very aggressive about things that he'd been fine about sober, such as my taking the baby on a trip to meet my mum in my country). It was one of few times he's not remembered lasrge chunks of the evening.
That was in January. He said after that to tell him if he was ever being aggressive and unreasonable when he's drunk. Which of course goes down a real treat.

He is not going to get "custody" of your daughter. They ALL threaten this, he has a drink problem which is now documented with gp. He would be lucky to get any contact at all.

He sounds bloody horrendous, LTB

There's no point talking to him when he's drinking. Save that for when he's sober.