Alcoholic adult son

[joystir59]

I have now distanced myself from him. He is 36, lives with my exH, and makes no effort to do anything about his alcoholism. He has lost jobs, gets aggressive verbally and physically when drunk, is a nightmare to live with, and cannot sober up enough to visit me (I will not tolerate his drunkenness in our home). I live with my OH (we are a lesbian couple) and her vulnerable 83 year old mum lives with us. It is a calm and peaceful house. We have all been through various traumatic experiences involving men in the past.
So I am distant from my son. If he calls I am pleasant, but I will not be drawn into his dramas and will not listen to his lies. Both I and OH have done lots to help him in the past. I have made numerous trips in the past to jolly him along and pep talk him and work with him on his attitude to his drink- nothing changes and I am 60 this year. I will not turn myself inside out for him any more. My door remains open to him if he ever wants a relationship with us enough to sober up. What do others think? I feel liberated having finally come to this position.

It's a very sad situation. At least you know he's safe living with your XH. There is nothing you can do to stop your son drinking and I think you're doing the right thing in distancing yourself for your own mental health. Did he always have troubles, even when he was young?

I think to some extent addiction is genetic and therefore really difficult to guard against.

Yes, he showed early signs- when he was about 12 we bought a bottle of wine for a celebration and he wanted to drink the lot after having a small glass. Bearing in mind he lived on the streets and was exposed to drink, drugs, all manner of things a child shouldn't experience. I understand why he developed a drink problem. His childhood contained unbelievable loss and difficulty. But. He chooses, has chosen for a long time, drink as his primary relationship.