Alcoholic mum

[Tatlerer]

Hello
I hope you don't mind the vent/ outpouring. I have an alcoholic mum- I think she's always been a dependent drinker but it spiralled in my teens. These days she goes for weeks or months drinking 'sensibly' then has a bender- drinking almost solidly for a few days. She's on one of those now- Dad whispered it on the phone to me earlier. Dad doesn't do much to help- he drinks pretty heavily himself. I have tried to help in the past- researched organisations etc, but I'm afraid she's always been a fairly lousy mum (the drinking didn't help) and we're not close. It still gets to me terribly though- I feel angry, embarrassed by what family friends/ neighbours must be thinking and generally pissed off. I'd like to help more but I'm ashamed to say that I really, really can't be arsed. Any goodwill has been largely eroded. I'm not ready to cut her out of my life yet (and when she is on an even keel she's a good Granny to my DD) but just wish she could get her bloody shit together. Thanks for listening.

Nothing at all you can do for your mum til she recognises she needs help and is ready to accept it. For you, maybe some counselling to help get your head around it all.

Thank you for replying eleven. I think I would like to talk it all through with someone. I'll look into my options on that front.

Is there a reason why your dad tells you when your mum's on a bender? Is it as a warning so you can stay away until it's over? You may need to think how you will explain these periods of absence to your DD when she's older.

If it's just to have you collude in the secret of her addiction I would tell him you don't want to know. It just keeps you enmeshed in the drama and that's not healthy for you (and makes no odds to your mother).

Have a look at Al Anon UK. They will help you understand the three Cs:

• you did not cause it
• you cannot cure it
• you cannot control it

There is a book I often recommend on here for people worried about their own drinking called Beat the Booze. This is the companion book for families of problem drinkers. Although I haven't read it, I'm confident it contains the same practical and no-nonsense advice, which will highlight there is nothing you can do, only the drinker can tackle this problem. The important thing is for you to take care of you (and your DD).