Do I have a problem still? Should I just stop altogether?

[IHaveTheLurgy]

As background, I started drinking heavily at 14. Through 14-15 I would drink most nights, often alone. Small bottles of spirits in a night and that horrible strong cider. I cut right back until about 18-19 when I was out clubbing 5 nights a week and drinking an unbelievable amount. Continued to get very drunk at least three times a week all through my 20s. Calmed down in my thirties, only really drinking at home one night a week. I have a young DD. I sometimes have a few drinks at home once she's in bed.

I often find that after one or two drinks I want more, want to get more drunk. I would never go out to buy more and I don't have loads at home so it's not an issue of me getting carried away and not being able to stop.

I have always suffered from anxiety and depression, I remember feeling depressed in junior school. I love the happy, lightheaded feeling of being tipsy but know it always comes with the price of feeling beyond low the next day. Anxiety through the roof and horrible depressive thoughts. I get so stressed and I'm irritable. Even after one glass of wine I'm horrible to be around the next day. It has a knock on effect to our DD, I am much less able to cope with her and I'm grumpy with her.

At the weekend I went out for the first time in about 6 years and got properly wasted. The next day was so so awful. Mentally. I felt like I'd never recover. I've been having panic attacks since. I said stuff I shouldn't and having massive guilt, questioning everything, feeling like it's the end of the world.

I don't have any local friends and whenever I feel like I'm about to make one I pull back because I know they're going to suggest going out for drinks and I just don't want to be around it.

I feel like I'm the odd one out, socially. No one else is like this. I'm a pariah.

Sorry, this is more of a rant and just getting it out. I think I've answered my own question.

Sorry, yes it does and with a young child in the mix it is a recipe for disaster. Are you a lone parent?

The thing is I don't know if I will stop altogether. I can stop drinking at home for months on end, but I know it will creep back and I will think 'it's not as bad as I remember' and start again. And there is always Christmas and special occasions where I won't stop.

So maybe I should go to AA as I can't seem to stop, but as I don't even drink that much now I feel like I would be wasting their time? And there would be people there with real problems wondering why I was bothering.

If you need more if you start that is an addiction. A support group would be a good idea and finding friends away from the drinking culture.

No, I have DH. I'm never hungover on my own with DD and I'm never abusive to her or anything horrible.

Does he drink with you? You are recognising it has an impact on your time with dd , and presumably him.

He drinks about the same amount as me and like me used to drink a lot more. Actually he does go on occasional works nights out so probably drinks more than me. He doesn't suffer mentally like I do.

Obviously it affects him when I'm down and being grumpy and paranoid.

It does sound like you have a problematic relationship with alcohol, yes. It seems to cause you nothing but grief tbh, so if I were you I would cut it out altogether.

It doesn't sound like you actually drink that much, but when you do drink it has a big impact on your life. In a way you are the opposite of a "functioning" alcoholic who regularly consumes huge amounts of alcohol but can still function relatively normally. I would imagine that AA or another support group would be used to seeing both ends of the spectrum, so if you want to go along then I'm sure you wouldn't be seen as a fraud!

And of course you are not a pariah. Plenty of people don't drink, for all sorts of reasons, so please don't let that hold you back from making friends. Just get in there first and suggest a coffee instead. If you are invited for a drink and don't want to go it is perfectly acceptable to say that you don't drink, and suggest something else instead. You don't have to elaborate at all, but you could just say something like you sleep terribly after drinking so have cut it out since having DC. If I met someone I liked I wouldn't bat an eyelid at this!

It sounds to me like you are on an elevator going down and you need to get off before the problem gets worse. I go to AA and you will find like-mided people in the same position as you. Some will also share your issues with anxiety and depression as that is a common thread that runs alongside drink problems. Those of us that suffer with anxiety, check out by using alcohol and the addiction to alcohol then becomes dangerous. There can also be genetic factors that affect our disposition to alcohol problems. None of this is your fault and having a child is very hard. However, you probably need a significant change in lifestyle and thinking to come away from and move forward without alcohol. It certainly can be done though! Remember, the only requirement for AA is to have a desire to stop drinking. They will welcome you.

Hi your situation sounds quite close to mine. I hardly drink at home and can have the odd night out where I have a couple and have a really good night. Then all of a sudden I'll have a night out and get absolutely hammered and wake up full of worry about what's happened and who I might have upset. I've sometimes kissed other men while I've been drunk and can get argumentative. I vow to stop then get in denial thinking I just need to drink less next time. It's like I have a split personality and this not good side of me comes out. I don't even have a sideways glance at another man when sober and at a certain level of tipsyness I'm lushing about my dp on about our wedding and when he's there I can't get enough of him. It can be one drink that tips me and there's then no going back. Sorry I feel like I'm taking over your post but I feel we are quite similar with the guilt and remorse thing. I went out on Friday night and have not felt right ever since. I feel on edge, nervous and anxious. I have to go to work and face the people I went out with today and feel horrendous. Please let me know if you want to talk as I am thinking I may need a support network too. Maybe we could help each other.

Another one who's very similar. I had two grandparents who were alcoholics (one on each side) and my first serious relationship was with a functioning alcoholic who encouraged me to drink heavily. Definitely think it's partly in the genes.

I love drinking, and to a certain level am fine with it. Never drink at home as my husband doesn't really drink at all (which is a blessing) but I have always suffered from terrible, terrible hangovers on even a quite small amount of alcohol and have crashing lows after drinking quite often. Like a previous poster says I can be fine for ages then have a mad night out where I get lashed and then can't remember what I've done and worry I've upset people or done something inappropriate (I never have. It's pure paranoia).

I also suffer from quite crippling anxiety and am medicated for that. I liked drinking because it stops the anxiety and is the only thing that reliably does (but only for the period of drunkenness).

I've used AA previously and found it very useful. No judgement and great support and advice. I do still drink rarely but am much better at knowing my triggers and the signs that it won't end well and avoid drinking if what's propelling me to drink is anxiety or stress.

I would say try AA, you may well find the help you need there.