Has anyone given birth after adoption?

[oldnewmummy]

We have an adopted son, currently 3.5, who is the light of our lives.

We could never completely decide about having another, but in the end we couldn't because (1) I've had two hernia ops and been told not to lift more than 10kg and (2) we're British, living in Singapore, moving to Australia at the end of the year and so we wouldn't be able to do another adoption here in time.

If we adopt in Oz, it takes years (much like the UK) in which case we'll be too old (I'm 44, husband 47) and there'll be a big age gap with the kids.

But I keep thinking "What if I tried to get pregnant?". We never actually tried before, we always said we'd like to adopt and give a child a home. We still have the hernia issue (so I'd check with the doc first) but I've just lost 5.5 stones (1/2 more to go) so the hernia risk is reduced and pregnancy/birth would be safer.

But then we'd be 45/48 at the earliest before a baby was born - is that too old? We'd obviously need to settle in Oz first to see how it all works out financially.

But most importantly, how would my darling boy feel? I'm worried he'd feel second best to a biological child, and he's a different race to us and so obviously different whereas this child wouldn't be. How would he feel?

Anyone any experience of this, particularly those with older children who are able to verbalise/act our their feelings or those who are adoptees themselves.

Thanks.

no help to you at all really but sympathy as I'm in a broadly similar position... have considered trying again using donor eggs to try matching ethnicity!

For me the biggest stumbling block is the race issue - I really really don't want DS to feel like the odd man out and yet would love him to have a sibling and would like another child.

There are posters on here who have birth childrne post adopting but I'm not sure you'll get a clear answer as it depends so much on the nature of both children.

It's a bit of a different case, but a friend of ours had one biological child, adopted her DS2 when DD1 was about 8 or 9, then was in the process of adopting DS2's baby brother when she found she was pregnant (thus going from one child to four in the course of about 18 months).

TBH they found it all very, very tough to start with as she had PND, but they seem a happy bunch now, four or five years down the line.

Yes, we adopted DD - now 10 years old - when she was 3. We now have two birth DSs too - aged nearly 5 and 2.

Just wanted to respond but about to do the school run - will check back in again later having thought about your questions. Fire away with any specific things you think I can comment on.

MPD

Thanks, everyone.

And would love to hear more, MPD, since your DD is old enough to know that she's adopted and verbalise if it's a big issue for her.

Maryz: You're right - other people can be SO insensitive. This is particularly an issue in Singapore where people literally stop, stare and point at us with mouths open (I'm not exaggerating) and ask incredibly intrusive...but we'll be gone from here.

Maybe I should e-mail Anjelina Jolie and ask how Maddox feels!

I think how it would work out is something you can't predict. I have a friend who is adopted, his parents went on to have several birth children. As a teenager he did feel "different" as he looked different to the others (but same race) and his life has taken a different path to his siblings (only he went to uni, he moved away, has a "better" job). I don't know how close he feels to his family now. But it is very obvious that his parents absolutely adore him, possibly favour him!

I also know a family of five dcs, two adoped (one a different race). The dcs are all adults now and seem very close...