Adopted and thinking of searching for birth mum.

[meandollie]

I was adopted at birth (am now 22) and have a fantastic relationship with my mum, dad and sister (also adopted). I never had any strong wishes to contact my birth mother until becoming pregnant with my son. Until now it was more curiosity about what she's like. But when I found out I was pregnant I was struck with a dilema - I was 21 and skint! Abortion wasn't an option for me and I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to give my baby the upbringing he deserved, making adoption an option for me. At the first scan though, it became blindly obvious that I could never do it - the second I saw my baby on the screen he was MY baby and I new I could never him give him up, selfish or not.

This really brought home to me how painful it must have been for my birth mother and what a selfless decision she made (she was young and single and couldn't give me the upbringing she thought I deserved. She also nursed me for the 2 days before I was taken to a foster family).
I have my adoption papers and since being able to empathise with her, I cry everytime I read them - esp. about how it was a "teary goodbye".

I am now wanting to contact her. I don't have any expectations of a teary reunion, I just want her to know that she did good by me, that I'm happy and in awe of her selflessness. I just feel that it's something I'd be desperate to know if I was in her shoes. If it could go from there I think I'd like that.

Sorry for the long post. I guess I'm just after people's opinions of whether or not to contact her? If there's any birth parents here, would you like to receive a letter from your child saying the above? or would it mess your head up and open up old wounds?

I don't want to talk to my family about it yet for fear of upsetting them for nothing and it would appear to be completely out of the blue to them as I've not mentioned any of this to them (I live away).

Any advice/help/experience would be so greatfully recieved!

Hi meandollie. I've not been in your situation, but I was very moved by your post. I'm an approved adopter, and on our prep course was told about the range of resources available after adoption. Do you know the agency that arranged your adoption? If so, the first step is to contact them and they can help you think through what you should do next. Otherwise, there should be a post-adoption service run by your local authority.

I don't think anyone can advise you whether or not to trace your birth mother - it has to be your choice - but do get some good support to help you make that choice, and to guide you through the consequences.

Very best of luck.

hi meandollie

i have been in your situation. i went thru the council to find info on my birth mother but ended up finding 2 brothers (who were also adopted but to different families. my brothers and i are now very close (found each other 4 yrs ago).

however i found out quite a bit of info about my birth mother, thought i knew best, couldnt wait for the intervention worker to do the firstbit and wadd in there which was a massive mistak. bm didnt want to know, i never felt abandond or unwanted up to that point andi n fact have had a very happy and fulfilled life and as you say i wantd to share that with her and kind of to thank her but she didnt want to know. i know she is married now ~(~not long after having my younger brother) and they went on to have a daughter. my belief is they dont know (when would you tell a new partner you had given away not even 1 but 3 babies???! i think she is terrified we will all turn up on her doorstep and ruin her life.

i am in no way saying dont do it, if i hadnt i wouldnt have met my brothers (i grew up as an only child desperate for siblngs) but you do need to go through the person who is trained to do it. please dont do it my way. it still torments me now yet it never used to bother me at all. be aware too that not all bm s want contact again for whatever reason and you may be hurt. i truly hope it all goes well for you. oh and fwiw my mum and dad were fine with it (mum said she always knew i wouold want to know) tho i think she was secretly saddened by it, she couldnt hide her relief when bm said she didnt want to know

good luck with it all! let us know what happens x

Hi Meandollie,
I am a birthmum to a 24 year old daughter who found me 2 years ago. We have had a wonderful reunion, my husband and 2 children have welcomed her into our family without hesitation and i think it's fairly safe to say that she has been my whole world for the past 2 years. It has been a long and winding road though, after years of yearning for my child but having to shut it away in my heart to protect my sanity, it was difficult to face the past and aknowledge the years that had been locked away. I am now in contact with quite a few birthmum's and i would encourage you to go through the original adoption agency so that everyone involved gets support. My daughter found me through Facebook which meant that it came totally out of the blue and niether of us then had help or support from the right people. I can promise you that your birthmum will be waiting for the day that you come back into her life but be carefull. I hide it well but my need for my daughter is greater than her need for me which can be upsetting at times. Her family want nothing to do with me and will not speak about me either which puts her in an awful position. I am so gratefull for the time she has given me,and i am gratefull to her parents for taking good care of her and loving her. every moment i have with her is precious. If you do decide to search i wish you all the very best, take all the support on offer and i'm sure that you and your birth mum will enjoy a long lasting friendship xxxxxxxxxxxx

just wishing you the best of luck.When I had my daughters it brought home to me how terrible it must be to have to give up a baby,in the hope of giving him or her a better life.I really can't imagine that any mother in this situation doesn't spend the rest of their life thinking of their child,so I hope you have a positive and joyful re-union with your birth mother.

god i really feel for you, follow your heart!

SIL had a baby at 16 and gave him up, and I know it would mean the world to her if there was a knock on the door and he'd come to find her. She's 44 now.

Hello.My situation is a bit different from you but it might be of some help.I was brought up with my mother but never knew my father although I was told about him at 8 years of age.I always had the need to know what he was like ,did he have other kids etc.When I was 24 I looked for him and found him he was pleased to hear from me phoned me the day my letter arrived and now for the past 14 years he has come to my house every saturday for lunch and now I have children he is great with them,he had no other children and I have never wished I hadnt found him.I feel like I know where I came from and can see I look like him a little.My mum understood my need to find him and my family helped track him down with me.Turned out perfect.You have to do what is right for you.good luck

I was adopted as a baby and am now 29 and have just started the process of tracing my birth mum. I had always thought I was unaffected by my adoption but over the last couple of years I have come to realise it has shaped and effected me more than I knew. Not really letting myself think about what I am expecting but just the answers to a few questions would be good.....

Good luck

Thanks so much everyone! It's been really helpful reading all of your posts.
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond - I've taken some time to mull it over.

I've decided I'm going to give it a go! I'm not going to tell my family though, yet, anyway - I don't want to risk upsetting anyone for no reason if nothing comes of it (though I'm sure they'd be very supportive).

Does anyone have any suggestions on the best place to start? I'll have a look through the other threads to try to educate myself before I take the plunge.

Thanks again to everyone, you really have been a great help.

Oh! Just realised - I've name changed since my op! I'm meandollie!

Its a bit different for me because I wasnt adopted so when I traced my dad I went to the last area I knew he lived when I was born and looked up in the town hall the address of everyone with his name or his brother and sisters name on the sensor list and wrote to them all giving the information I had I didnt find him but I found one of his brothers who still lived in the home town and he helped me.I know its very different for you so i hope someone can come on and tell you .good luck,I hope it works out for you but if it doesnt at least you wont be always wondering.