Looking into adoption after IVF

[Italiangreyhound]

Our IVF has failed and after many years of trying to have a second child using assisted conception we are now at the point of looking into adoption. I have wanted to adopt for many years but thought we would have a couple of children biologically first. We have looked into adoption many times but we were always told that our own dd (now 5) was too young. Now it looks like DD is old enough and we must just wait 6 months after our treatment.

Just wanting to ask for any experinces of adoption in this country, possibly for people adopting after having a biological child and/or after fertility treatment.

Thanks

I've not adopted myself but have close friends who did in a very similar situation as yours.
They had a very quick and easy ride compared to what they thought they'd encounter and now have a beautiful little boy which they feel has completed their family.
So just want to say go for it, and best of luck

Thank you Scoutliam I am very committed now to the idea of adopting, just daunted at the possible wait involved. I know the old saying good things come to those who wait. But I am also know sometimes they don't! I am keen to hear of any experiences, good or bad, that people have of integrating their birth child and adopted child into the family together. Thanks for your kind words and your good example, Scoutliam

I am in a similar situation. Feel free to cat if you like. J

Jenny60 Great. Our dd is 5 and a half and we had numerous attempts to have another over the last four and half years using IUI (and one failed IVF attempt that never got off the ground!). Our last attempt, with donor eggs, failed just over two weeks ago. We have considered adoption and looked into it over the almost last four years but we were always told DD was too young. I am both excited and scared but I do hope this is the right course of action.

DH and I are Christians so we will be praying a lot about this.

Have not mentioned it to DD yet, and won't until we know what is definite.

Please feel free to share your story with me if you want to.

Hi - I don't have birth children, but I have adopted after failed IVF. Scoutliam says that their close friends had a very "quick and easy ride of it" - which sounds wonderful but if so they are very much in the minority. Adoption is an incredible and wonderful process, but it is also an extremely lengthy one and unbearably emotional and hard. Much much harder IMO than our failed IVF attempts, but with incredible rewards.
I definitely don't want to put you off - I think it's wonderful, but I also think that the reality is that it is a tough and emotional journey with no guarantees. I think most adoption agencies are looking for a 3 or 4 year gap between your youngest child and a newly adopted child, but as the average adoption takes anything from 2 years to even 4 or 5, then it definitely wouldn't hurt to look into it now.
If I were you, I would contact your local authority and ask when their next adoption info evening is, and go along to that. There should be adopters with birth children there that you can talk to - or have a look at Adoption UK's website - they have a message board dedicated to Adopters with Birth Children.
Please feel free to ask me any questions or chat if you have anything you would like to know - but sorry I can't help you with the birth child integration aspect.
All the best, and congratulations on your first step!

sterrryerryoh, thanks so much for responding.

I think we are gearing ourselves up for it not to be easy! I guess I do know exactly what to expect with IVF and IUI and although I did not ever have egg collection I feel there are few surprises for me in that route. But adoption, that is all surprises to me. Maybe some will be good and some will be bad! I am not expecting an easy ride but I guess I will always hope for it not to be too hard!

If I were to ask (and you don't need to answer if you don't want to) I would ask what you think were the things that went well/badly and how to navigate any difficult areas, how to get on well with the whole process and the people involved, etc?

Did you end up adopting the first child you were matched with and did you feel that the child you adopted was right for you from the start etc?

Please do not answer anything that is too personal.

Thanks for responding.

I do want to be committed to this process and attend an open evening but we have already been told we must wait 6 months before we start as our treatment has only just failed. I guess even that is a bit of a pain, starting off with another wait having just completed a 14 month wait for donor eggs! Does that sound moany?! So we can't actually get interviewed or anything but we can attend an open evening. I feel it is worth going along sooner rather than later and getting some facts under our belts.

hi Italiangreyhound
Lots of surprise in store, I'm sure
I would say that there is a LOT of waiting in adoption - and sometimes it's very frustrating, but when you're on the "other side" (so to speak) you kind of forget about how hard it was!
IMO, having a social worker that you like and can trust is paramount, and be prepared for home study to take a long time - that's not all about red tape, that's the social worker getting to know you, and you working out who the right child for you, as a family, is.
There were lots of personal, invasive questions, some of them far too personal, tbh, but it's all about honesty and asking why things are important. Don't be shocked if you change your mind along the way about some things, either - it's surprising what you find out about yourself!
We started our prep group 6 months after we went to the open evening, and then started home study 1 month later. We were approved 12 months after that and we were linked with a little boy 5 months after we were approved. So the whole process from first contact to being linked took 2 years. Very quick! We were really lucky. We had previously been "up for" 2 other children, but we had asked our sw not to tell us anything unless it was a "yes" so we only found about those children afterwards. We read the little boy's Permanence Report - loved what we read, met his social worker and family finder, who agreed that we were a good match, and then we met the foster carers and medical advisors. We felt right from the start that this was our son - there were lots of little coincidences with things like names, dates etc, that we felt just made things perfect - he ticked every box, and we ticked all of his!
We were lucky enough to go to Matching Panel very quickly (6 weeks after being linked) as he was so young - it normally takes longer - and then he moved in 2 weeks after that!

It doesn't sound moany AT ALL that you don't want to wait - I completely understand and felt the same way with us - but it's just so that they can be sure that you have grieved for the child you won't have, so that you can prepare for the child that you WILL have (if that makes sense?)
If I were you, I'd go to the open evening, and do some reading - There are books by Caroline Archer called "Parenting the Child Who Hurts" in 2 volumes, that are excellent reads, and any of the BAAF published ones (you can get them off their website www.baaf.org.uk/res/pubs/books/index.shtml

Adoption is hard, there's no getting round that - but it is THE BEST THING I have ever done. I absolutely love and adore my son - he's my world, and we're so lucky to have him. Knowing that we are giving him chances in life that he wouldn't have otherwise had, is very special - but he gives us so much more. Good luck with your journey - and if there's anything else you are interested in knowing, please don't hesitate to ask

sterrryerryoh thanks so much. I guess one of the 'difficulties' I feel is that I have been considering adoption for years and so waiting to get started feels hard! Is there any value in attending any more than one open evening? There is one this month and then one in two months time. I sort of want to go sooner rather than later but I feel as we can't get started is it better to wait the two months so it is nearer our start date. I am a bit overweight, I know I need to lose some weight anyway but I wonder how that contributes to the whole thing. I have heard we will have to have a medical! DH and DD are super fit and slim so I am the one with the problem. Can you tell me anything about things that put SW off appoving people? Thanks again.

There's no harm at all in attending more than one open evening - are they at different authorities? There probably wouldn't be much value in going to 2 run by the same LA. SW's do have a "thing" about people losing weight, and it was something that I needed to do. I guess I needed to lose about 3 stone, and lost 1.5 before we went to Matching Panel - demonstrating that I was prepared and able to do so, and then speaking at length with the panel medical advisor about my future intentions was fine for our authority. Definitely, if you are happy to do so, it would be something productive that you could do while you're waiting (and make you feel loads better too!!)
In terms of SW's being put off - it's really difficult to say. There isn't really a checklist - but each case is assessed on it's own merits, and it's really about what you as a family are looking for, and what you can give - as it really is all about the child who is looking for a home, and the SW's finding providers for those children. I think smoking, though, is one thing that is an absolute no-no - so if you or your DH smoke, then you'll need to give up. They won't place children under 5 in a house where there are smokers. There is also a no-smacking policy - and that's an absolute ban, which you would need to completely adhere to. Other than that, as I say, it depends on your home study. You will have to have a medical (we had to pay for ours - £140!!) which, tbh, is a waste of time - it's fairly comprehensive, but my GP said that actually there was very little on there that he felt would be a problem even if we had it - high blood pressure, high cholestrol, etc. They just need paperwork to demonstrate that you are physically able to look after a child, and not likely to fall down dead any time soon
I honestly wouldn't worry about that - it's way in the future. Go along to an open evening and ask LOADS of questions. All the people I know who've adopted, all have different stories - it's so big, really.
One thing I will say, though, is that there are very few babies in the system - I don't know your ethnicity, but if you are white, there are even fewer! Healthy, white babies are the most sought after children (if that doesn't sound too weird!) and as a result, there are lots of adopters and very few babies. In most authorities you would be very lucky to adopt a child under a year old. We were incredibly lucky - our son was the youngest one that the authority have ever placed, and that was because of certain unusual elements in the birth family history. If you are looking for (as I think you are) a young baby - you might even have to wait a bit longer. But it's so so so so worth it!!

sterrryerryoh thanks so much, interesting name, where is it from?

We don?t smoke and are unlikely to drop down dead anytime soon, I HOPE! DH is mega fit, as is DD, I am the unfit one but even I am quite strong, I hope!

I don't mind not having a young baby but I would like a child that DD, (oh I should say BD on here - I have been posting on the assisted conception thread for so long) BD is 5 now and so would be 6 or 7 by the time we get anywhere. So to be honest anything from 1 to 3 would be fine. I think I would like BD t feel like the big sis and grown up. If the child were too close in age to BD then she would probably feel a bit threatened! Does that make sense?

When you say ask lots of questions, ask what? I am just not sure what to ask. Can I ask you, if you would/will do this again or are you stopping at one? Please do continue to reply to me but feel free not to ask any personal questions, I will try not to ask anything insensitive.

Do you know any other sites of use, I tried adoptions UK but could not register to log in.

Thanks.

Off to bed now.

sterrryerryoh sorry that should be "...feel free not to ANSWER any personal questions!

Brain fried!

Hello, may I join you please. Italian, I was following your news a little on the over 40's TTC thread and was so sorry to hear that your recent donor eggs fertilty treatment failed.
I am in a similar position to you in that we have twin boys (aged 4 at the end of this month) conceived via ICSI. Although we are still TTC "naturally" the reality of it if Im truely honest is that if we want to have another child we are looking at adoption. Since having the boys we have had 2 x further attempts at IVF the last attempt being almost a year ago now.
Given that our boys are now almost 4 years old I feel its time to seriously look into adoption and what are chances might be of becoming approved to adopt etc.
Sterryerryoh - your advice to Italian is very useful. Do you know what the age limits are re adoptive parents. I have just turned 44 years and my husband has just turned 40. If looking to adopt from overseas I have heard you still need to become approved adopters via your LA - is this correct? Does anyone know anything or have any experiences of adopting from o/seas - both positive and negative?
Thanks in advance.

Hi holeymoley welcome to join me. I think I can answer some of your questions as we have been looking into this for about three and a half years! Each area is different but I am guessing some rules are for all, so it is working out which rules apply to every area!

Age: I know of someone who is the same age as me and adopted so I know that 45 is OK, for a really young child, but I have also heard that some areas have a 45 year rule so you can't adopt a child over 45 years younger than you. So at 46 I would be eligible to adopt a one-year-old if there were a child of that age etc. I have also heard other areas have other rules so it depends where you live.

Adopting from overseas: when we looked into this we spoke to PACT (Parents and children together). They would have had to do a home study on us which would have cost us; this could vary from a small amount to a large amount.

Anyway, Good luck, we are going to an adoption evening soon and will know more. We decided against adoption overseas because we felt we could not afford it and also the time it may take would be a long-time but someone else may have some very positive experiences to share.

sterrryerryoh hope to hear from you sometime too.

All the best,

Hi IGH
Sorry- not been on here for ages, as laptop broke.

Hope everything is going well with you - in answer to your q, yes, we think we will do this again, but have to wait until DS is a bit bigger (!)

Regarding questions at open evenings etc - not sure really, other than "don't feel unable to ask anything - if there is anything you want/need to know more about, then no question is silly"

Hi holeymoley - in terms of age limits, I think that it is 45 year gap between you and the adopted child, as a maximum - so if you were 50, for eg, you could adopt a 5 year old. - So 44 and 40 = no problem!!
In terms of adopting from overseas, I'm afraid I don't know - we didn't even look into it. Maybe contact your LA and just ask?

Best of luck to both of you

We adopted after 2 failed IVF's. About 2 years from enquiry to placement, just with the local authority in the normal way. In some ways it was more positive than IVF because we knew we would almost certainly end up with a child at the end. Learn patience though, and a tolerance for being investigated in detail. (Touch wood) it's worked out pretty well, no horror stories yet, just a lovely little family.

The one single thing that will put SW's off is if they think you will not cope with bringing a child into your family that may have issues/need a lot of input and sacrifice. They are looking for robust, stable, resourceful families with the capacity to understand and accept where the child is coming from and that have good support networks.

Weight/religion/mental health etc are only issues if it makes them think you will not be able to do this - i.e. you might have serious health problems/be weirdly intolerant/get divorced etc and cause the child's needs to be sidelined or even put them through further trauma. Obviously nobody can see the future but they have to justify their choice of adoptive parents.

FWIW we are Christians too and it was actually seen sympathetically by SS in view of support from our church (as indeed it turned out).

Stick with adoption uk - ring them up if you can't register because you should be able to. It's far and away the best message board and if you subscribe to AUK magazine you get all kinds of other help and information.

Thanks sterrryerryoh and tootootired for your helpful comments.

The information evening was good.

We were told in light of failed IVF we would need to wait 6 months but I guess it is only 5 now!

Had a bit of a minor wobble and wondered if we will make it through the process. It would be so good to hear any positive stories, with positive outcomes even if the road if tough!

sterrryerryoh and tootootired are you still around? Hope all is well.

I think it is time for me to sign out for a bit. I will sign back in when things are clearer for me but I wish you all the very best and will continue to lerk! How do you spell that word!

If anyone want to email me you can do so on my name italiangreyhound and my imaginary age 39 at yahoo dot co do uk

Thanks to all