Wanting to adopt a certain sex, will it be frowned upon??

[MrsTicklemouse]

Me and DH are starting to consider adoption but there's a catch of sorts!

We are blessed to have two fantastic DS's (4.6 and 2.2) and have always said we would like 3 DC, however I have never tried to hide how much I (and DS1!!) would like a girl.

Thinking about having a third child I would much rather give an unwanted little girl a home than 'risk' possibly never having a girl, we will definitely stop at 3. I wouldn't mind the age of the little girl but I understand the 2 years younger rule!

I realise how bad this all sounds but I'm really not that obsessed like the women on that awful program a few weeks back!!!

What I would like to know is would the above be frowned upon or does anyone have a similar experience?

You could always give it a go but adoption is a very long and gruelling process. So far my sister has being trying to adopt for 4 years and is only just in the final stages. She only requested a child under 5 regardless of gender / disability etc.

I should think that it would be far more difficult to adopt a specific gender.

You need to be aware that girls are more in demand than boys for adoption, and obviously any choice that narrows the field of children open to you may make it an even longer and more gruelling process.

Having said which, I am approved to adopt a girl under 2. However, the reason for this is not about us preferring a girl per se (it's about her having to share a room with our existing daughter). Our SW has told us of other examples of people who have expressed a preference for a particular sex, and this is not necessarily frowned on, though it would always be interrogated to ensure it does not suggest, for example, that you have an inappropriate fantasy of what a daughter would mean in your life.

Good luck.

Friends of ours have just adopted a lovely little boy.

We provided references for them which involved a social worker visit to our home. One of the things she asked us was what gender we thought they would prefer. I already knew they would love a boy though would have been delighted with either. The social worker said she actively encouraged people to be honest as it was something that could be done.

I would however second what others have said about the gruelling process though. I have the upmost respect for what they went through in a process that took about 3 years.

My aunt has adopted and expressed a preference at some point for a girl, although she would have been happy with either gender. Surprised everyone, herself mostly, by adopting siblings (sisters 7 & 3) but it was a long process, about 4 yrs I think.

you talk about giving an "unwanted" girl a home but the reality is that healthy girls under 2 are very much wanted and you will be joining a queue of adoptive parents as long as your arm.

Generally no reason why you can't specify a sex provided you can convince SS that your reasons are realistic (eg what if you don't get a girly girl but a tomboy?) Why do you want a girl - what do you perceive the difference of having a girl to a boy (not me asking but potential question SS might ask).

Two years younger isn't a rule but a guideloine for good reasons and in some SS its a three year younger rule. Mind you, as someone pointed out you're probably looking at a three year process (roughly) so timing might work OK as regards your youngest DS.

You need to consider the disadvantages of adopting vs the certainty of having a girl... how do you feel about parenting a child who may have had a very difficult start in life? Read some of the adoption threads about the issues people have had to face - I was surprised by the amount of pain I felt at having to be the source of potential pain for DS in the future. You will be the ones telling your DD why she was relinquished by her BP's, about why they "didn't want her", explaining to her why she didn't grow in your tummy but her brothers did etc.

I know it sounds like I'm trying to talk you out of it and I'm not - I adore my DS and wouldn't change one hair on his head. But its not an easy route to becoming a parent.

i think your reason alone wold ring alarm bells.we specified the sex and was really interrogated at panel so we had to have good reasons.
as the others say, if you can give birth yourself then do it. 6 out of 10 adopters want girls.

also the amount of relinquished babies,the unwanted ones, are minute.All the other children are forcibly taken from birth parents who then have to prove themselves to get them back.

OP - you talk about the "risk" of never having a girl

Any child you adopt will have suffered from loss and probably neglect or abuse. they may have been exposed to drugs or alcohol pre- natally and will be at higher risk of addictions, learning difficulties or developmental delays, behavioural and attachment issues and mental health problems.

You would need to consider the effect these might have on your other children and on yourselves, for the rest of that child's life.

Most people would consider these risks carry more weight than the risk of having another biological child which is the "wrong" sex ( I'm afraid i find it hard even to type that )

Years ago this would have been fine, but I guess then there were probably more unwanted babies and the choice was greater.

I was adopted because I was a girl. My mum and dad had 2 boys (birth children) and they wanted a girl. Rather than have another child themselves that could have been a 3rd boy they adopted me.

But this was 42 years ago....

Heifer - I'm sure you know that even 42 years ago there weren't really more "unwanted" babies - it was just more difficult to keep a baby in certain circumstances (unmarried or very young mother or extreme poverty etc). It meant that very young, very healthy babies born to mothers with few issues (drugs, drink and mental health problems) became available for adoption in the way that they very rarely do now.

I initially asked for a girl because I was a single woman adopting and I thought I "knew" what to do with a girl. Luckily I came to my senses and said I would prefer the youngest healthiest child available and DS was my reward . I understand the hankering for a girl - I have it myself though I'm not sure why. But if I were able to adopt again I would say the same thing again - as young and healthy as possible regardless of sex or race.

Kew, good point. I believe I was one of those that were wanted but circumstances didn't allow it (well that is what I was told and I am happy to believe)

I am an adopted child, (well, now nineteen) and have had recent contact with SS. I would say that it would be frowned upon mostly, and also, there isn't really a need to specify as you have a choice of the children whom you would like to know more about.

Also, there seems to be a lot of talk about 'healthy' babies on this thread. Even the "healthy" babies can grow up with mental health issues. I was not - to my knowledge - exposed to drugs or alcohol in the womb, though I was starved a bit because my mum ate little to keep me small (born full term weighing 4lb15oz), and yet I have grown up with a lot of mental health problems that emerged aged about 12 years old. SS had no real information on how my mum's mental health was, I've only found out from my Dad recently that she struggled a lot and was incredibly unpredictable. Please try not to refer to the potential little girl as 'unwanted', she will probably grow up feeling it at some points even if you tell her daily you want her, because you (as the adopted) have had a basic right to know the mother that carried you away and it does leave emotional scars. I think it is amazing you want to adopt a child, and all power to you if you do, but just don't think of it as a 'saviour' situation, coming to rescue an 'unwanted' child. It is far far more complicated than that.

I don't mean this message to sound too strong or off-putting or anything, but from someone who is that 'unwanted' little girl, I think you need to really meet some parents who have adopted and think about this option carefully. Perhaps an idea might be to look into private adoption which happens on your and the birth parents own terms, and where you may be more likely to have more say in what you want. It may be best to think about the fact that having strong desires of what you want a child to be like may come out, and - as one of the questions my adoptive parents were asked - what if [child] decides they would like to have a sex change? I thought that was a bit silly because of course you wouldn't know until it happened how you would react, but worth just mulling some of those things over. How happy would you be when she comes down every night crying and asking why she was adopted, why her parents didn't want her? How will your boys be with that? When she finally reaches eighteen and can re-form contact in a closed adoption? Go to some of the social's meetings, talk to foster carers and parents all the way through the process (some part way through, some with children etc) and get a feel for the truth behind it. It might be exactly what you want, I know lots of people that have and do. Also, not saying it is always difficult, but there are just things which can be difficult within it.

Mrs Ticklemouse, we have 3 boys and are currently registered to foster 1 girl 5-18 (not under 5 as we have an atic bedroom). We have made no secret of the fact that we would like to adopt a girl one day and that we looked into it before we turned to fostering. We did not and still aren't coming across any resistance to the idea from social workers. In fact it was the social workers that recommended our panel recommendation should be 1 girl and nothing to do with our future plans. They felt that it would be a better match as there would be less likely to be any jelousy between birth and fostered children by bringing in a girl. Any differences caused by the fact they are birth/fostered would be partially disguised by fact they are boy/girl. We do currently have a placement and the children all get on brilliantly. It has been far harder haveing a fostered child than I could of realistically imagined (and I used to be a forensic (prison) psychologist!), the issues the child brings are intense day and night. We chose to foster first so we could get the full picture and use all the help and support to learn. We hope that one day a non returning child will come and stick and never leave, but as others have said it will not be straight forward as the child will undoubtably have lots of issues.

Carry on exploreing the idea any way you can because you can always change your mind somewhere along the process (I think this is a reason it takes so long as they give you a chance for it all to sink in and make sure you are sure before you get anywhere near panel). Good luck on you journey it is long and frustrating but good preparation.

My friend is in the process of adopting and was encouraged to express a preference for a particular gender: she has said "girl" but is looking at adopting a child over the age of 4. So, it is possible but I think you need to think long and hard about the process; the damage an adopted child might have suffered; and the impact of adopting on your boys.

Hey MRsT - hadn't connected this was you! You could have earbashed me about it if you'd wanted to... not that there was time I suppose.

Hi Mrs Ticklemouse,
I understand how you feel, I also have two sons that we adore however would love to have a daughter too. Obviously there is a finite amount of children anyone can afford to have and we have always been keen on the idea of adopting, but as you've said weren't sure if specifying a sex would be frowned upon.
Let me know how you get on if you decide to proceed with it.

When we adopted, we wanted boys. We had good reasons for this, and these reasons were explored by our social worker and by our approval panel in great detail. It helped our case that our reasons were child-centered, rather than adopter-centered.

I know this was ages ago. But just wondered how it worked out for you, as I’m in similar situation now.

Sorry but you will not get anywhere imo if you approach social services in this way. Adoption is all about the needs of the child. How many little girls would have their needs best met in a family of two older boys?

Most children available for adoption have been abused or neglected. They often have issues like foetal alcohol syndrome. One in three adoptions fail because the parents cannot cope.

You have to really want to parent a disadvantaged child and not just complete your family.

You would be better to start your own thread, as this one is so old now.

We had our first meeting with social worker yesterday. One of the first questions she asked was do we have a gender preference. She wasn’t judgemental in any way that we do. She will be recommending we progress to next stage. 🍀

Are you sure you wish to adopt for the right reasons...

it really is not like choosing sweets in a sweetie shop.

Yes we’re sure! Thanks for asking.

As long as you have a realistic view of what adoption is, I think you’d be fine to have a preference. My husband was desperate for a
girl and it was discussed but never seen as a
negative. Even though in the end we ended up adopting a boy and both of us could not be happier x