Letterbox contact, (birthmother) shall I write back?

[anotherusername]

My son was adopted 7 years ago, when I was in my teens, because they social services lied, manipulated me and then I could possibly hurt him emotionally blah blah blah

His adoptive parents have been brilliant and written letters to me twice a year with photos, which has been a lifeline for me.

I have a 2 child now, aged 3 and newborn and am a thriving mother (on my own, which completely contradicts the bullshit social services came out with in order to take my first son).

Anyway, people are saying I should write to my first son, because I can twice a year but I have not.
MAinly because social services have a great list of things I'm not allowed to say, I'm not allowed to give any indication that he was adopted against my will.
I am angry that anything I write will be ripped open and scrutinised my social services before it gets to my child.
I am worried that anything I say could upset him. Even if I said I love him it could upset him.
I am worried that if I pretend everything is fine it will seem like I don't care.

I don't want the adoptive parents to become worried if they see how much I care about him and how well I'm doing with my life.
If the adoptive parents realise he was wrongly adopted and should be with me they may become very defensive and then negative about future contact for fear of my son seeing me as his mum whom he should be with.

I don't want to upset my son by showing him that I have 2 more beautiful children who got to stay with me (especially when he is falsly being made to believe I gave him away).

Could I just do more damage by writing to them?

Gosh, old thread!

we are a parent of 4 children that was taken into care in 2005 and we have letterbox contact twice a year we have never missed out on the letters although it gets harder each year of what is allowed to be put like for instance our youngest son is adopted and although family members have had photos of him we mensioned how much he had grown up in the october letter last year we got a call from sw asking where this photo came from and the family member also got questioned about us seeing it and we was told it may uset my son by us saying this so what are we supposed to say also his adoptive parents have stopped him seeing our eldest son has we have recently sought out our eldest son who was nearly 17 at time through a social networking site and also they have told my son that he is to destroy all photos in his life book my youngest son is now 13 years old

Hi mrmrs, this is an old thread and you might get better advice if you start a new one.

Can I check I understand what you are saying:

1. Family members have shown you photos of your youngest son - can I just ask how they got hold of them?

1. You have recently traced your oldest son on the internet?

1. Social workers have told your son (which one?) that he must destroy all photos in his life book?

Without understanding all the details, I'll just restrict myself to saying that I think tracing your eldest online was probably unwise. Couldn't you have waited another year, till he reaches 18? Can you see how unsettling this must be for the adoptive parents, who must be terrified you will now try to do the same with your youngest? And can you see how unsettling and potentially damaging that might be for him?

I am very sympathetic to how hard it must be to have your contact with your sons so controlled and dictated by others. But you do need to play by the rules, for everybody's sake.

I am adopted, and it hurts me to think of my mother. She now has a son, I'm afraid that she loves me, she loves him and not me. I want to ask you mothers: what do you feel when you give the child up for adoption? I read that many mothers write "I really love my son." But what do you feel concretely for this child? My mother was happy to know that I'm okay, and that I seek her, but relatives say she was a bad woman, who did not care much about his children.
Answer me please, you do not grow the children that you gave up for adoption, so I want to ask you: why do you love this child? what you feel for him? you worry for him? if hem die or has an accident do you worry as they worry her adoptive parents?
the relationship that a (birth) mother has with her child is not the same relationship that you have with a child that you grow for a lifetime. My (adoptive) mother worries a lot to me, she loves me, she knows my character and how I react to events, my (birth) mother does not know anything about me, so why she should love me? i don't judje, but think about that hurts me so much, i want to understand, i want to have a testimony from a (birth) mother.
Update: What would you do for that child? would you kill urself for him? I think that love we must built, as well as the relationships, just maternal instinct isn't enough.....

Hi Rozie

This is an old thread , so I don't think you will get many replies .

Also you are asking for views from birth parents , but these threads are reads by many others - adult adoptees , adoptive parents , prospective adopters , foster carers and social workers.

There are some birth mothers here but they, like everyone else, can only speak from their own experiences . Every adoption is different and its unfair to expect them to speak for your birth mother .

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so upset about the circumstances surrounding your own adoption. Have you seen you adoption records and social services files ? Do you know there is counselling for adoptees, to help them deal with their feelings about it all and do you think that would help you ?

I know it's very complicated and often adoptees don't know anyone in RL who has also been adopted, so they can feel very alone .

Why don't you post on the adult adoptee support thread here too ?

I'm a birth mum who is just starting the journey into letter box and I just wanted to add that when I met my sons forever mum she was really open to sharing/keeping the letterbox letters with little one as and when appropriate. I know it hurts to write the letters but try and see it from the child's point of view, these are the only real source of information he can have about his heritage - whilst the child permenance reports are fairly detailed these days, they are written with professional detattachment. I know his forever mum was grateful to hear about the songs I listened to when I was pregnant, when he first cried when he was born - the little details she may not of had otherwise and can pass on to little one as and when appropriate.

Of course you love him, and if you do write, try and convey that positively rather than using your understandable hurt and anger to show you love him. Share his successes I.e "I'm so pleased to hear you got a gold star for maths, well done you" etc.

Tell him about your art work and your good qualities, give him a sense of who you are etc

I've spent a long time composing later life letters to be held on file and i worried desperately about hurting him/his family but I'm safe in the knowledge he won't get them until he's mature enough to understand - if he wants them at all.

Use this as a positive step in having a relationship/insight into your lives.

Good luck

Doh! Didn't realise this thread was 5 years old til after posting. Sorry x

I know it's an old thread anxious but don't be sorry - people do read these threads even if they don't post and your post is a very wise one which i hope might help other birth parents in the position of knowing what to write in a contact letter.

Hi I was wondering (obviously its none of my business) if you ever managed to contact your child. What was your sons name and how old was he when he was adopted because if he is now over 18 he can contact you. Which council did the adoption? Sorry for asking so many questions!!

Oh hi complete stranger on the Internet, my son's name is Billy Bob Smith and we did the adoption through Trumpton Borough Council.

Said nobody, ever.

Why on earth are you asking her son's name and LA??

Are you looking for someone Tyler?

Possibly... The dates just fit....

Tyler, if you contact your LA, they can show you your files. Can I also suggest you seek support before opening contact with birth family - there are specialist teams in organisations like Birth Ties that can help. And the outcomes are much better when both sides are guided by independent, trained support.
Please take care with being too open and asking others to do the same on an internet forum - not everyone is honest or ethical and you could be manipulated or hurt.

Thanks I will contact them btw my name is not Tyler

Good luck. I hope you get the support and information you are looking for.

If the dates fit, I'm guessing we're talking about a 14 or 15 year old?

Good luck but be prepared for there to be limited options before the relevant 18th b'day.