Letterbox contact, (birthmother) shall I write back?

[anotherusername]

My son was adopted 7 years ago, when I was in my teens, because they social services lied, manipulated me and then I could possibly hurt him emotionally blah blah blah

His adoptive parents have been brilliant and written letters to me twice a year with photos, which has been a lifeline for me.

I have a 2 child now, aged 3 and newborn and am a thriving mother (on my own, which completely contradicts the bullshit social services came out with in order to take my first son).

Anyway, people are saying I should write to my first son, because I can twice a year but I have not.
MAinly because social services have a great list of things I'm not allowed to say, I'm not allowed to give any indication that he was adopted against my will.
I am angry that anything I write will be ripped open and scrutinised my social services before it gets to my child.
I am worried that anything I say could upset him. Even if I said I love him it could upset him.
I am worried that if I pretend everything is fine it will seem like I don't care.

I don't want the adoptive parents to become worried if they see how much I care about him and how well I'm doing with my life.
If the adoptive parents realise he was wrongly adopted and should be with me they may become very defensive and then negative about future contact for fear of my son seeing me as his mum whom he should be with.

I don't want to upset my son by showing him that I have 2 more beautiful children who got to stay with me (especially when he is falsly being made to believe I gave him away).

Could I just do more damage by writing to them?

Thanks again, I appreciate all your veiws, even rebeccarabbit desperately wanting to believe that SS wouldn't do such a thing, :-p
Just how innocent people don't go to prison, eetc.. lol
That's something that I'm used to dealing with, people believing that there must be something they don't know, etc, I told my midwife to please feel free to go through all the social services records as she was confused., I said come back and tell me WTF.
We'd all want to believe that social services do everything they can to keep families together, I beleived that originally which is why I approached them for help. Anyway..
Of course I wouldn't take him back, he would be traumatised at having to move family again.
Should I 'sit and wait' for another 10-20 years? MAybe I will, maybe I won't.

I will however, be writing to his parents, and telling them some positive things, thanks for all your help!
Oh, can I just ask any adoptive parents if it's okay just to write to them and not the child initially?

On what grounds did they tell you they were removing your son? Are you the same girl who wants to set up a bank account for her birth son?

If it were my child I would welcome any contact to me or to my DS. I would explain in the letter why you have written to them not him so that when it is appropriate they be able to share it with him at an appropriate point.

If you intend to write to them just to tell them that he was stolen from you I don't think you will get very far.

I really no view on whether your son was unfairly taken from you and to be honest I can;t imagine that the pain is any more or less if you wanted him and he was taken from you whether SS had grounds or not.

The court records of the adoption are private and sealed and would not be available to random medical professionals like a midwife. SS will have had a compelling reason to convince a judge that it was in your sons best interests to be removed. Whether their reasons were right or not is impossible for us to say on here. And your argument that you are now effectively parenting your two children doesn't, I'm afraid, prove you would have been able to parent your son effectively at 15.

You should also read the threads about adoptive parents writing contact letters year after year and getting no response and wondering whether to continue. I understand your sense of injustice is huge, really I do, but if the adoptive parents have any inkling of how you feel and how you don't feel that you will wait until he is 18 before you make contact then contact letter will cease faster than you can blink (only in my opinion of course).

I hesitate to post this because its a bit like kicking a dog whilst its down (if you'll excuse the phrase).

I know if I tell the adoptive parents the truth about how he was adopted it won't get very far, the social services have made it very clear that if i mention it without pretending it was my choice that they will not recieve it.

It's interesting how the social services were convinced that he was better adopted, but the child gaurdian in court fought for me to have him back in a mother and baby unit.
Also very interesting how blatenly obvious it was that SS just didn't want to pay out £1000 a week for a mother and baby unit for us.
I think all of you adoptive parents need to realise that you may well be getting a child who taken from a mother for pretty poor reasons.
And actually you should be prepared to have to deal with that mother making contact and trying to see her child, it is perfectly natural for her to do so.
And remember that you may have recieved her child against her will, so deal with it.
You should know that mother's are very likely to do anything they can to get near to their children, to expect anything less is ridiculous, at the end of the day, you have someone else's child, remember that.

I think you have posted this story a few times and it always ends up with posters losing sympathy for you because you sound quite threatening and vindictive. You will not do your child any favours with this attitude

"all of you adoptive parents"... Adoptive parents aren't the bad guys.

I think the pain of putting a child up for adoption must be enormous. I think any person reading this though is still going to think 'but why? on what grounds did they remove your child? What are you holding back?

My children aren't adopted btw. I feel like an objective person who reads this thread and thinks there is a bit of information missing. That doesn't mean that I don't feel for you though.

You sound as if you are in a great deal of pain, and you would find relief talking to a counsellor as someone who will listen and let you express everything you need to.

I think if you read this thread again when you are not feeling quite as low, you would see kewcumbers post is really just letting you know that writing to the adoptive parents, within the guidelines, could keep them writing to you too, if thats what you want.

You are starting to sound very vindictive now. I really do sympathise with you losing a child in any way is devastating. I agree with other posts you really should think about getting some therapy.
You seem to be of the opinion that one day you and your child will be reunited. That may well happen but (and I'm so sorry if this sounds harsh) he is unlikely to see you as his mother. His mother is the woman who is now bringing him up.
I have letterbox contact with my dds father. I never read the letters to her as they are far to emotional. He transfers his feelings of guilt onto my daughter. I have put them away and will give them to her when she is older. We have direct contact with my dds birth mother twice a year. DD is aware this the lady who grew her in her tummy but thats it I am mummy she is Lucy (not real name). I am truly sorry for your loss but your child was not stolen from you there must have been good reason to take him at the time. For the sake of your 2 other children I hope that while never forgetting the love you have for your first child you can move on and be happy. I also think kewcumbers advice is very good.

Dolphin that's very nice to hear that you let you r DD birth mother see her :-)

Of course I'm going to get defensive when people start saying 'there must be a good reason he was stolen'.
Like I said I understand people wanting to believe that, rather than the system being fucked and corrupt. So I forgive you for thinking that.
I reacted angrily to something i sensed in kewcumbers tone.

Anyway, thankyou to everyone who has given me some good advice in this thread, to people who're saying i'm vindictive; go fuck yourself :-)

I'm finished here, thanks x

Don't want to prolong this thread now, but sowwie maryz.
Twas more to the likes of hellbent who just came and posted to slander me, I have not 'told this story a few times and always get found out for being vindictive blah blah blah'
Absolute rubbish.

I appreciate the efforts of you guys in this thread.
I need to leave this subject now, so bye x

Have you not posted before as nickname123 then? I apologise if you have not but the story sounded VERY familiar

Why did you have to start with all that 'you adoptive parents' stuff?

I am actually very well aware of the circumstances surrounding my DS's adoption because I was there all the way through it.

I only got involved in the process to prevent him going into care and to help his birth mother have the best chance of getting him back.

I would never 'you birth parents' at you.

The facts are if you write to your son using the tone and language you are using here the letters will NOT be passed on and the contact will probably stop altogether.

Which is not going to be in the best interests of your child.

I dont think many birth parents harbour the fantsy that their child was handed over willingly by the birth family. That is a myth reserved for those that think adoption is stuck in the 1950s.

FWIW I do think money has a lot to do with mother and baby unit placements being resisted by ss. But if a judge ordered it, it would be done.

Its rare for two placements to be ordered though. If the first doesnt work its unusual to grant another. They are often requested though perhaps leading the birth parents to think they are a common occourance. Maybe solicitors shouldnt raise such false hopes in birth parents?

I dont know why your little boy was removed and it a terrible thing for you that this happened. Your pain is valid. But its got feck all to do with your son's adoptive parents. They had no say in the process.

Please give op a break. It must be really tough having your child taken away.

Phew - what an emotionally exhausting thread. OP is obviously very upset by this and who wouldnt be? Sooo much respect for adoptive parents tho!!!!
I second 4notanotherday!
xx

I just wanted to say to OP, I can't possibly know what you are going through but the thought of one of babies being taken away upsets me deeply and a mother's love is such a powerful thing. I hope you find peace. xx

I'm not sure what you read in my "tone" that offended you so I can't comment on what triggered your subsequent post. I didn't really need to post at all, it doesn't actually make any odds to me if you send a letter to his a-parents and end up cutting off what contact you currently have.

I am still sympathetic to your situation despite your best attempts to paint me in the "you adoptive parents" category (I'm guessing it wasn't intended to be a compliment!) - in fact I spent a great deal of time and money trying (unsuccessfully) to trace DS's birth mother on the other side of the world despite being terrified that I would actually find her - because I knew it would be better for him to know something about her. Most adoptive parents are quite aware of the situation surrounding the relinquishment of the child these days.

I'm sorry this thread didn't seem to give you the answers you wanted but I'm not sure exactly what answer you did want - almost everyone has said yes write back (whether to parents or him is your choice) - perhaps at the very least you could take that on board and try to compose something that you feel you can sent and perhaps get someone you trust to check it for you first.

There was nowt wrong with your tone, Kew. Sometimes I think we a-parents are too sympathetic to b-parents. Bottom line is they brought children into the world that they couldn't/wouldn't look after. Some people give the impression that a-parents are second best and are just babysitting the children until they find their b-parents. The truth is that they are our children now and it is up to us to raise them, decide what's best for them and help them grow into confident, secure adults.

Some, by all means not all, a-children do at some time decide to search for their b-parents and a few build good relationships with them. From what I have read though the majority do not. And whilst many a-children want to find out who they come from most decide that it is in the family created with their a-parents where they belong.

Kew, Maryz, Rebecca and others, OP has not come back to the thread to say she wasn't nickname123. I had forgotten that name but did an advanced search on 'social services stolen DS' and only anotherusername and nickname 123 came up. Both same age and 2 more kids, very similar stories. I wouldn't get upset about it.

She never did say why her DS was 'stolen' and has obviously got a big problem discussing this when other posters start to question her story, then gets aggressive. My sympathy stops there I'm afraid!

P.S. you guys do a wonderful job x

well obviously I didn't think there was much wrong with my tone either or I wouldn't have written it! I don't generally go out of my way to antagonise BP's because whether the child was adopted because of something the BP's did or not, I doubt it was how they envisaged their life turning out. And tbh a litle generosity of spirit towards an unkown BP on t'interweb isn't difficult for me when my lovely boy is tucked up in bed next door snoring.

Whatever the truth of the matter of the OP we will never know (possibly quite rightly) but one thing is for sure, she is absolutely convinced that her son was unjustly taken from her, which must be incredibly painful. If I were his AP's and I read this thread, of course I would be running screaming in the opposite direction as far as my legs would carry me (& him) but as a person with no personal involvement I can feel for her and only hope that she finds a way to deal with this situation that doesn't involve more harm to her son.

Anotherusername, I just want to add that I really feel your sadness, but also to let you know that you must write to your son to re-assure him that you love him. I am a full time step mother to a 15 year old who over the last 13 years has only seen his mum occasionally due to her not bothering and it has hurt him alot. In my opinion children need to know that if they ended up in a different family to their birth family it is not because they were abandoned or unloved. Even if he doesn't find out the real reasons until he's an adult at least he will know from your letter that you love him and that you think of him. Thats so so so so important. Ive had to re-assure my step son lots of times that his Mum loves him and I just wish she could back it up with actions/letters/calls. Obviously not all these options open to you but do what you can and he'll thank you for it and be a more balanced adult eventually to know he had your love.

We have had lots of letters from birth parents telling our kids how much mummy and daddy love their little angels.
What would be better for the children is a more factual letter that they could connect with. Favourite songs, football team,holiday destinations, hobbies etc. That way the children would know if they had anything in common with them.
I kept writing back and asking for this sort of information but for whatever reason, they didn't give it. They've now stopped writing altogether.

I wish people wouldn't assume ALL adoptive parents are bad or that ALL birth parents whose children have been adopted are bad because it is such an untrue thought. I hate the way that adoptive parents are made to believe that all birth parents are useless, scrounging people who are too drunk/stupid/high/irresponsible etc etc to bring up their babies. WHAT RUBBISH! I had my child pseudo adopted with a special guardianship and the reason had nothing to do with me at all, it was other persons in my family who were the cause. I am not happy that I have letterbox and can't see my child, but it's not the guardians fault, or my child's fault and other people should not be going about it in a personal vendetta against the SS or adopted parents, the court judge etc because it won't make it any more likely to see your child and will only lead to ongoing misery. Adopted parents are not child stealers either, they are people who wanted to raise a child. I myself was adopted and cannot complain about my adopted parents because they were amazing and gave me so many opportunities I would not have had. I did eventually meet my birth family and it was a disaster in my case, but I am glad that I had the chance and I now have a good relationship with my birth sister as a result. Whether wrong or right, all of us have to learn to live with this, as bitterness will drive your child away if they come looking when they are adults, this is why my birth family were such a disaster. They want to hear their story, but not your own personal hatred. Whoever is to blame is not the issue, the only concern should be the emotional and physical wellbeing of your child, not your own grudges. And both sides - PLEASE don't be so judgemental of each other, you never can know the whole story.