Meeting our little boy on Wednesday!

[Peona]

Hi everyone - just wanted to share the news that DH and I have been approved to adopt a little boy (nearly 2 years old and gorgeous) and are going to meet him on Wednesday! We're so excited - just spent the weekend rearranging rooms to get his ready so consequently both knackered - just had a celebratory glass of wine and a curry. Thanks to all MNers, particularly Kewcumber and Bran for all your advice and support along the way. Now I'm on adoption leave I hope to be better at keeping in touch and replying in a timely fashion to your posts. For now though, off to bed!

TWT, can I ask you about the sensory diet?

Not at all... it's very interesting. I'm going to have a good look at The Listening Program website in a minute. I'm fascinated by the dog whistle thing... DD becomes very over stimulated to the point where she just doesn't know what to do with herself and has the most incredible tantrums. I'm wondering if the dog whistle would be an effective intervention tool for her too.

When she was small, she had real difficulty with eating and speech. We put this down to the fact that she hadn't been weaned properly but she was really underweight despite cramming her mouth with food at every meal.

We realised that she didn't know how to chew and so we started to give her food such as corn on the cob that she couldn't stuff in and swallow whole but had to nibble at.

Then we progressed to highly flavoured foods such as makeral or omlettes with lots of herbs. Her mouth became 'aware' of where the food was gradually and I'm happy to say that her speech and feeding difficulties are behind us.

Her delay was down to neglect, not a condition, although she does have FAS.

There are still issues regarding impulse control and attachment and I'm always looking for ways that we can help her to become more aware of her feelings and body movement.

I'm going to check out that website now... thank you. I hope your DS continues to thrive, you sound like a fab mum!!

mackerel

Peona you're right about birth parents not having feelings right away! I was extremely protective of my DS right away, but I didn't fall in love with him til he was about 4 months old. Honestly! I had PPD issues and I was so afraid of SIDS that I was getting no sleep. Then one night I was rocking him and looking at him and I realized I loved him more than I could ever love anything else. I was just totally swept away. You know, that feeling everyone else says they have right after they deliver! I just sobbed and sobbed, and I've been utterly in love with him ever since.

The sensory diet idea is good, it can make such a difference! The little girl I work with has different sensory activities she needs to do every day or it's just a disaster. I'm so glad you're getting support-it will get better!

I like the mirror idea!

We have always played the 'show me a cross face... show me a happy face...' game so I was really surprised when DD's teacher told me that using pictures of different facial expressions, she could only identify 2 or 3.

She is 11 but probably functioning at half her age emotionally and socially.

I should add that her trouble with feeding lasted for 2-3 years after she came to us. It was a long and frustrating process but it did pay off in the end.

peona, there are still odd days when I wonder if we did the right thing... 8 years on! They're getting fewer and fewer though and I'm getting those 'rushes' of love more and more often.

Peona, wanted to give you some support. We are 7 months into our placement of 6 year old twins and 3 year old. The first three months or so were awful. We are lucky that the children are lovely (and very loving) but the shock of having these strangers in your house and you are expected to do everything for them is colossal and overwhelming, and not very enjoyable. It does get better but only slowly and there are still times when I find myself wishing for the old days, but more and more there are the days when I love being a family (even if a larger one that originally envisaged!).

However, the behaviours being exhibited are very worrying and not down to 'normal' 2 year old behaviour. I studied a lot of adoption books and read widely on the subject and the damage that can be done to children due to neglect especially or abuse affect the wiring in the brain and require professional help. The comments by the foster carer about coping should have raised alarm bells with your social worker as to the likely long term behaviour you could face. What post adoption support is in place? Have any assessments been done on attachment? What practical and emotion support are you and DH getting following placement? What professional help was DS getting with foster carers?

The AdoptionUK website is particularly useful and is full of people who will be going through similar experiences, or have been and know what help you need.

Please do not feel that you are in any way to blame for this behaviour or your less than maternal feelings towards a clearly troubled DS. But this behaviour does not sound like something that will be cured by loving him enough or by 'normal' parenting but needs intervention to allow you to cope, or even to take the heart breaking decision that the child needs help that you are not able to give.

Good luck.

Gin

Thank you Gin, that is so helpful. We are still struggling but waiting for some input from a play therapist next week. My lovely step Mum and sister are here to help me out, which is great, but we are all still not at all sure that this is a good match. Will continue to think about what to do and let you know in a few days. Best wishes, Peona

I think that was MummyBop wasn't it?

Peona- we have found play therapy very beneficial, our therapist uses Theraplay.

Do have a look on Adoption Uk as well.

This stage of placement is so hard, and it's great to see your family being so supportive, but everyone usually thinks you have the happy ever after when really it can seem like a nightmare is just beginning. This time 8 months ago I was a zombie it does get easier to deal with, you adapt LO improves somehow it all starts to slot together.