Mixed feelings about my 'sister' finding her birth family

[Beesleysbuddy]

Apologies if this isn't the right place to put this, but thought it was probably the most relevant topic! Am a regular, but have namechanged as I know some people irl know my username.

As a child my brother and I grew up more or less alongside my cousins, who were the adopted children of my uncle and aunt. We were all quite close, but I was particularly close to their daughter who is more like a sister to me than a cousin (hence putting sister in inverted commas in my OP)

I've known for a while that my sister has been searching for her birth mum and siblings and have been supportive and encouraging I hope. I found out today that she has found her birth family, has spoken to them and is obviously over the moon about it all. Her birth parents seem pretty cool about it and happy for her, as am I.

So I was totally shocked to discover that part of me is really sad and worried about how this will affect us all as a 'family'. I know it sounds really selfish and unfeeling, but I'm scared that she will prefer her birth family to us and won't want to know us anymore. It sounds so daft writing this down, but I've been feeling so upset about it ever since I found out and wondered if anyone who has been through a similar thing can reassure me/kick me up the arse. I love her and I want her to be happy, but I don't want to lose her.

What you're feeling is very common. I think it'd be best if you simply tell your cousin how you're feeling. But don't discourage her from finding out what she feels she needs to know, just let her know how important she is to you.

I don't want to dismiss your feelings, but I have family experience and what you fear did not come to pass.

Think about it. Why would she ditch you? You lot ARE her family. Nothing can replace that. She just needs to fill in some gaps about her identity and origins. Any contact she has with these new relatives will be as distant relatives and friends, but it can never be the same as the decades she had with you. And I think, bluntly speaking, most adopted people can quite get over the slight hurt about the fact that they were given away.

The only way she's going to prefer 'them' to you is if you lot are pretty awful to begin with .

Thanks bidibidi, that's reassuring. I think the initial thing that upset me was seeing her FB page where she's talking about her 'Mum' and 'Dad' and meaning her birth parents, which shocked me because I always assumed that she would call them by their first names and my uncle and aunt would remain 'Mum' and 'Dad'. It's just going to take some getting used to. I will talk to her - she's supposed to be coming to a big family get together in a few weeks, so hopefully I will feel a bit more able to have a conversation with her without crying

I'm not sure I would talk to her about it, to be honest. She will be going through a lot emotionally right now, and probably doesn't need to carry the weight of your feelings as well. I really sympathise with how you are feeling, but maybe you could share those feelings with your brother or your mum, or even your sister's mum, and give each other the support you need, rather than asking her to support/reassure you through what must be a very stressful time for her?

Don't feel bad about how you're feeling, though; it's very natural and just a sign of your deep love for her. As a prospective adopter, I am expecting to feel much the same in about 18 years from now! It's hard, one of many hard things about adoption, but you will come through this with your loving relationship intact.

OK thanks. I think I'll see how she is when I see her next and play it by ear! Reassuring to know that what I'm feeling is normal and doesn't make me a self-centred cow!

Of course you're not self-centred - you sound sensitive and lovely. Let's hope all involved are as sensitive and concerned for everyone's feelings. Hope all goes really well for you and your sister.