Feeling little bit cross. Allow me to get it out of my system!

[chegirlsgotheartburn]

Just got a call from hospital. DS is due for a MRI on Monday (thats another thread!).

Very nice, polite nurse insisting that I bring proof that we are DS's parents because she has his notes and somewhere in there is a developmental review that calls me his foster mum.

He is nearly 7. We fostered him from 8 weeks and adopted him at two.

He obviously has the same name as us and we are refered to as his parents on all the other reports since his adoption.

Its a small thing and I can take his adoption cert and birth cert in but its made me feel a bit upset.

Who else has to proove they are their child's parents?

I will get over it.

Not sure it is a small thing - is there any chance he could hear this sort of thing? As a six year old that could be very upsetting

Thanks Stealth. I will have to be quick off the mark when I get there on Monday and be clear I dont want it discussed in front of him.

I felt unable to put my foot down on the phone and didnt feel up to making a stand IYSWIM.

It really doesnt make any sort of sense. I really doubt that a mother with a child with a different surname would have to produce proof of PR. You have to sign something to say you have it but you dont have to bring in anything do you?

I never did before we were married. I just said I was DD's and DS1's mum and that was that!

yes, it does sound as though they have decided to be awkward Hope the MRI goes well

you need the adoption certificate or " extract from the adopted children's register"

the abbreviated certificate won't be any use as it doesn't name the parent/s

i agree its annoying , especially 5 years after he was adopted

i have a different surname from all my children and have never been asked to prove i am their mother

I would be phoning the Consultant's secretary, tbh. It's not right.

I agree make the call before you go so that you don't have to concern yourself with this on the day even if you still have to take the docs they can hopefully be handed over and returned discreetly and hopefully without your sons knowledge that the status of both of you is being undermined.
I have written letters in advance of appointments explaining DD is adopted and that we don't have family history - hasn't stopped a series of questions over the years - "do you have problems with your eyes" (yes but irrelevant as I've explained in my letter) "they aren't real sisters are they?" (twice - the second time the lady got short shrift from DD "we ARE real sisters aren't we x")
I do think the people involved just had no idea of the impact of these comments when made in front of the children - we are a REAL family and others in professional positions are too often quick to undermine this. Sorry realise it sounds as though I'm oversensitive on this one but I'm sure fellow adopters will understand!

What about his birth certificate? It has his name and our names on it, surely they cant argue with that can they?

If you follow this to the logical conclusion surely they will expect us to prove who we are as well. I mean we could just be pretending to be Mr and Mrs Chegirl couldnt we

This is so annoying! Its only because I have been listed as foster carer on one of the reports in his file. The thing is I know that I have also been referred to as adoptive mother because I asked them to stop doing it after a few years!

We have a 'family file' which has spaces in it to record important details and stuff you dont want discussed etc. Its meant for children with SN but is very useful for adopted children as its supposed to stop you going over your history over and over.

So I have written in it that although we do not hide DS's adoption from him we dont want it discussed in front of him. How many times does he need to hear his b.mother took drugs and didnt feed him etc?

Do you think it makes a bit of difference? I still get asked questions in front of him that he finds upsetting!

Thanks for your understanding. I still havent calmed down. I am getting more annoyed the more I think of it. One good thing, its distracting me from the terror of going to the flipping hospital!

Don't put up with it! I am a nurse. Just because it is in his history that you fostered him does not mean you have to prove that you adopted him.

Thanks Lou.

I am going to take his birth cert but will not be offering it unless it is asked for. If it is I will be making my feelings known.

I dont want to make a fuss whilst I am there but if I meet with further ignorance I will be making a complaint (not about an individual).

How about taking a copy and insisting that this is attached to first page of his file to avoid this happening again. Yes I'd agree a letter of complaint would then be what I'd do too. I also don't see why you should have to put up with this but fear it's someone who's inexperience has led them to be overcautious and act inappropriately.

Totally agree with you Chegirl. Having an adopted daughter from a Russian orphanage she does not want her history discussed every time we see a dr.
However, I do know that we had to go to a court special hearing urgently when we were waiting for the adoption to be finalised in this country because the authorities did not want to take the responsibility of anything going wrong during an operation she desperately needed. Perhaps they are just covering themelves. If you were still the foster parents, no matter how long term, DS would be considered to be under the court jurisdiction.

BUT I agree that it is a bit excessive. A simple question over the phone surely would have been sufficient. I bet you wont be asked to prove it when you get there. Its like those forms you are sent with appointments and asked to fill in and bring with you. Does anyone actually hand them in???

I have been trying to work it out and I really think this nurse has not looked at the files properly.

She can only be refering to developmental reports I have given to the consultant. These were background information and would include his LAC reports from about 1 year onwards.

So a few would have me listed as foster carer.
After he was two and his name change I would be referred to as his adoptive mother
The rest I would be refered to as his mother because I asked them to stop referring to me as his adoptive mother as it was getting on my nerves!

So why on earth would she latch on to the foster carer bit? It doesnt make any sense.

Attaching the certificate to his notes could prevent it happening again but it has never happened before. DS has tons of appointments for various things and it has never come up. I might ask on adoption uk if anyone else has experienced this. Though I suppose it would only apply to other foster carers and kinship carers who have adopted.

I am rambling a bit now sorry!

chegirl - most prospective adopters are legally foster carers until the adoption order is granted, so its not uncommon. i agree it must be very annoying and potentially very distressing for a child

as you say, lots of parenst do not share the same last name as their child so hospitals must be used to it. surely asking " are you his mother/father?" would be sufficient

we are talking about the same document i think. its not technically a birth certificate, but serves the same purpose

Thanks Kristina. I wasnt sure although I know that you have to have the child living with you for three months before legal adoption. I wasnt clear on what status parents had during that time.

I think this sounds awful and you have every right to be pissed off, if it was me I would ring hosp in advance to clarify and say that you do not want these kinds of remarks made in his presence, cannot be an easy time anyway. As a comparison, me and dp both have different surnames to our dcs. We often get called Mr/Mrs DCs surname. And, if it's an emergency sitch, usually Dr or nurse will ask, are you Mum/Dad, but we have NEVER been asked for proof.

Just poke her in the eye when you see her - you'll get it out of your system much faster that way

KeW! I am shocked

Wouldnt that be great though. A poke in the eye with an adoption cert 'is that enough proof for yer!?'

For goodness sake! Not a mention of it. All that anxiety for nothing!

DS was very brave today. A few tears but much better than I thought. My little boy is growing up

Thanks for your support. Lets hope it never happens again.

glad it went ok

sorry about ds health problems though

Glad you didn't have to cope with anything other than what you went for!
Sorry you had to go at all though