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Original poster

I have been stewing oiver this for a while so I am sharing to make it go away!

30 replies

TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 16/01/2010 21:08

DS's adoption in the UK was very delayed and as a result have been with me nearly three years by the time he was legally adopted in the UK. He has been with me since 11 months and I'm the only parent he has ever known.

His guardian ad litem said to me after visiting (she knew how long he'd been here and tbh you couldn;t have missed it cos there are photos of us with him as a baby all over the living room!) - "Oh you really are very good with him".

I was slightly startled at the time and its nagged at me ever since.

I know she meant well and I didn't exactly take offence, but am I alone in thinking it an odd comment from an experienced adoption social worker to someone who has been a parent to a child for 3 years.

OP posts:
hester · 16/01/2010 21:10

What do you think was behind that, Kew - are you thinking she still doesn't see you as a 'proper' parent?

Paolosgirl · 16/01/2010 21:12

I don't know - I don't have experience of adopting children, but if someone told me that I was very good with my 12, 10 or 2 year old I'd be quite pleased!

Why do you feel like this?

BooHooo · 16/01/2010 21:14

tbh someone said to me the other day when DD was on a playdate "Wow you really speak so nicely to her don't you? You are so patient"

I was a bit taken aback myself but actually it was just a nice observation and she chose to communicate it with me as a compliment. Perhaps it was the same with this Woman?

nighbynight · 16/01/2010 21:16

A midwife made similar comments to me when dd1 was a few months old - encouraging me, I think, as I seemed liable to sink!
But sadly, nobody has commented what a good parent I am since then.
It does seem an odd sort of thing to say. But remember that she was in her professional capacity, not her personal one. So if she sounds a bit judgey, thats probably why - its just a job to her.

leavingonajetplane · 16/01/2010 21:16

I am always somewhat startled by the "Oh you can really see theres a bond between you" comment. I try to take it as well as its meant but the person commenting is of course making a distinction - have never heard anyone say this to a biological parent. It is somewhat stranger when they see no problem with saying this is front of DS. It is essentially suggesting to him that it is a nice surprise that i care for him so much...I would be somewhat dismayed by this type of comment from an adoption social worker. Although perhaps not surprised...

chegirlsgotheartburn · 16/01/2010 21:27

Its the sort of thing we may hear quite a bit from people not experienced in adoption. I do think its a different matter when it comes from someone in the field.

I think it would stick with me for a while too Kew, though I would probably not be able to work out why.

The midwife who delivered DS3 (at home) remarked to another MW 'I was so suprise that he [DS2] was adopted, you couldnt tell from the way she [me] was with him'

Now I know she meant that in a nice way but it still annoys me 2 years later!

leavingonajetplane · 16/01/2010 21:28

That would certainly annoy me too chegirl

Paolosgirl · 16/01/2010 21:30

I'm not sure that's true, Leaving. We're in the process of seeing a child psych. for DS1 - in her initial assessment letter she wrote that we came across as a really close family with a strong bond. It actually made DH and I feel like we weren't somehow completely to blame for his behaviour and gave our confidence a real boost.

Original poster
TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 16/01/2010 21:39

Like Chegirl - I'm not quite sure why it rather irritated me. And of course far better for her to say that than nothing and then write a report saying we didn't seem well attached or that I was a bit stiff with him or something like that. But tbh I didn't really think anything needed to be said! She was a stranger visiting us for 2 hrs and we were on our best behaviour (well DS wasn't but I was!).

I kind of accept it from people not in the field but just thought it a bit odd from someone with experience.

I know that I am probably more sensitive than most to nuances of speech that imply I'm not a "proper" mother but it did really feel like I was being patted in the head for being such a good girl and trying hard .

Thought here would be a good place to vent and leave it behind!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 16/01/2010 21:42

Leavingonajetplane - your name makes me laugh so much as it was the thread starting this adoption journey! Quite took me back when I saw your name...... must search for it...

OP posts:
leavingonajetplane · 16/01/2010 21:48

Paolosgirl I think it is different a child psychologist saying that, when you go to her for assessment. She is meant to observe and consider the dynamics and the bond between the family members.

Having neighbours and staff at my sons school make the comment that they can see a bond, sometimes in a surprised tone of voice, if they see my DS demonstrate affection towards me or vice versa is quite different to me. I dont like it on the basis that their presumption is my being fond of DS is worthy of comment, not taken for granted he would be loved for himself!

FWIW I would really doubt you are "completely to blame for his behaviour" and hope you dont feel like that often. Its nice that the assessment helped you feel better and that must make working with her easier. Best of luck

Original poster
TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 16/01/2010 21:51

OOh ooh ooh - I found the thread (I was suejonez then scarysuejonez for halloween).

See now I feel better already!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/231439-all-my-bags-are-packed-i-m-ready-to-go

OP posts:
leavingonajetplane · 16/01/2010 21:54

Theres a lovely version of the song on youtube Kewcumber
lovely version of leaving on a jetplane here

DS has it on his bedtime playlist. I had no idea when leaving on a jetplane that i would have DS 2 years later when coming back! (a very overseas adoption)

Earlybird · 16/01/2010 21:54

Did you find it a bit patronising?

Perhaps she said it because you are very good with him, and it is certainly possible/likely that she sees some situations that are not nearly so happy/successful as yours.

Also, I think those of us who are older single parents by choice perhaps approach things a bit differently because simply becoming a parent was an arduous process that required alot of soul-searching, patience, anxiety, bravery, and single minded persistence.

Whenever anyone compliments me on my parenting, I think there is a certain element of projection on their part - as if they are imagining how difficult they would find it to be in my situation. To me, it simply is, but to them, it is admirable.

I'd take her comment as a compliment, and not stew a moment longer.

leavingonajetplane · 16/01/2010 21:59

Oh what an exciting thread (am new to adoptions section). Am going to have a read but just linked to a photo. He's gorgeous!

Original poster
TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 16/01/2010 22:17

Of course you are absolutely right Earlybird.

I do need to think of it like that.

Leaving - wise name change!

Easier to look at our montage than trawl through either that thread or the attached blog which would take forever. www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=6e3cbecfaa2fc0543284d3&skin_id=601

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWorldFamousKewcumber · 16/01/2010 22:19

Oh god I just re-watched that montage. What am I moaning about, he is divine I should be daily doing some of self-flagellation to remind myself how lucky I am to have him!

OP posts:
leavingonajetplane · 16/01/2010 22:30

Thank you for that link. Its the first time anything on mumsnet has made me cry. Its the look in his eyes in the first photos. I spent a lot of time in a vietnamese orphanage and the look is very familiar, not least from DS for quite a long time. It was lovely to watch the look in your sons eyes change so completely through that montage. Thanks!

maryz · 16/01/2010 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KristinaM · 17/01/2010 17:12

i agree - its her projecting her feelings onto you and not very sensitive

its hard not to wonder about the unspoken words after it

oh you really are very good with him .....

[considering you are not his biological mother]

[considering he is a different race from you]

etc etc etc

rememebr kew, it says a lot about HER ( her issues, pre conceptions, prejudices) and NOTHING about you and your relationship with your son

KristinaM · 17/01/2010 17:34

i just had another thought as i was loading the washing machine..

if someone saw me running around after the kids and said in a surprised voice

" Gosh you really are quite fit, considering you are so old"

i feel insulted, because they have been so rude

if they say in the same manner/tone

" Gosh you really are quite fit considering ...."

i still probably feel insulted, because i get the implied message, but I don't get to feel indignant at their rudeness, because they have supposedly paid me a compliment

Littlefish · 17/01/2010 17:55

I was only thinking abotu you the other day Kew.

Just to make you feel better, (even though it's completely off the point!), someone once said to me at a yoga class, in a very surprised tone.....

"Your're really quite bendy, aren't you...."

The bit she left unsaid, but was definitely thinking was...

for a fat bird.

So I finished her sentence for her. She blushed furiously, which confirmed that I was correct!

roisin · 17/01/2010 18:13

Hi Kew! I remember (vividly) when you went to pick him up. How much time has passed!

I hope this thread does what you need it to, so you can forget about the comment.

purpleduck · 17/01/2010 18:21

I don't have experience with adoption/social workers or bendiness, but I DO have experience with saying stoopid things.

I bet she's kicking herself.

Slambang · 17/01/2010 23:07

I always remember a neighbour saying after ds had gone round to play with her ds for the first time, in a surprised tone "He's actually a lovely boy!"

What the bloody hell did she expect I wonder and why...?