So where do we go from here? Help.

[DontPanicImRegular]

Hi ladies I'm hoping one or some of you can help please.

I have 3 DC's DD1 (4yr old), DS (4yr old), and DD2 (2yr old, very nearly3). DS is my only biological child, and my two DD's are DP's biological children.

DP's seperated from his exP after discovering that she had lied about every part of her life including the fact that she had had one child removed for abuse and her other 3 sons were on the child protection register. DD1 was a few months old when they split and she was a few weeks pregnant with DD2. She dissapeared vowing that DP would never see any of the children ever again.

6 months later DP is contacted by SS and told that all the children are in care after being physically and emotionally abused, and then abandonned and that DD2 would be removed at birth.

DP began contact with DD1 straight away, and was at DD2's birth and began contact with her also(both fostered in different counties, due to abondonment and birth being in seperate counties). DP also began the assesment and court process to get residency of the girls, I met him during this process and he was awarded full residency and pr of both girls shortly after DD2 1st birthday (this included 2 months in a parent support unit with both girls being monitored to check that he was able to cope).

He is amazing, and from what I can gather pretty unique to get the girls as he did. I am forever in awe of his strength through all of this.

The exP has never shown any interest in the girls, she never showed up to contact for any of her children. The most she has done is ring DP's mobile to abuse us both, and she hasn't done that for a few months.

We are so happy we have been living together for just over a year now, and together for nearly 2 years. Both DD's call me Mummy, and we are a proper family.

We have now started talking about where we go next. We will get married very soon (my divorce just going through) and we are going to apply to change the girls surname as they have their mothers surname and we would like them to legally have DP's for obvious reasons.

Then what we do next is up for debate, we have discussed step adoption (and we know this would be supported), it is our preference. However, after everything that has gone on before, all the assesments DP went through and the intrution into our lives as a family we are not sure if this is the best step forward. So other options are special guardianship, which I believe would give me pr and residency.

Are there any other options? Can I have your opinions? Ideas? Suggestions? Even just a general feel about it? I'm in info gathering mode and thought where better to ask

Thank you for reading.

I didn't think many people would get through my gigantic post, but I thought maybe a few would.

Well i cant offer any advice but i think your DP has done incredibly well and stepped up and been a proper father so i really hope you sort something out

I did get through your post and like racmac can only say that your DP has done incredibly well up to now. However I have absolutely no experience in this field so cannot offer you any advice - I just hope someone will be along soon who can help.

Thank you for the replies.

DP is wonderful, I'm very lucky.

Hoping for a reply from one of the adoption expert ladies now.

I'm not an adoption expert but I can't see why you would have any problems. He is their father and the DDs are obviously very bonded with you. I think it'll be easier once you're married- at least it would be over here. Best of luck to you and your children are lucky to have you!

Don't panic, Don't Panic! The wonderful adoption experts will pick this up no doubt, but you may have to check back in over a few days as they have probably all got their hands full - it is tea time after all!

On a day to day basis you could the girls by his surname from now on. I think at school though they have to go on the register as their formal name and if their mother objects they may not be allowed to be "known as" something else.

Is the mother allowed any contact at all?

I would look at seeing you can get them changed by deed poll in the short term before taking on the whole hog of the adoption process.

It would def be worth looking at the legal ins and outs of just all of you using your dh's name from now on.

I'm not at expert at all but you mention that step adoption would be supported - I assume you mean that there is a social worker that this has been discussed with.

Would it be worth asking for an informal chat with that person to get some idea of what would be involved in terms of assessments and reports if you and your DP were to go forward with adoption? The reason I ask that is I assume that as there is already a lot of paperwork regarding your DDs/DP the next step might be more of an update rather than starting from scratch and therefore be easier for you all?

Hi thanks for the replies.

SleighGirl - changing their surnames is something we are doing seperately to the possible adoption. We already have them know as DPs name everywhere, but we have to go through the coursts to change them officially. This is something we shall begin and complete before we start any adoption/guardianship m'larky.

Uglymugly - We have had an informal chat with the lady that over saw the majority of DPs case originally. She was very helpful, and explained that we needed to be together for 3 years before they would consider it and then we would be expected to go through the exact same process as normal adoption. She was the one who suggested that special guardianship may be easier.

DD's birth mother has no contact with the girls at all. She is forbidden by the courts from having any contact with them, unless agreed in writing with social services. She has never requested it, and we would now not allow any contact to happen if we were approached about it. DD2 has never met or known her, and DD1 remembers nothing about her (thank God) but does have abandonment issues and panics when she thinks we are not coming back

Well that is good (under the circumstances) that their birth mum is out of the picture and forbidden to contact them.

Why are you worried/concerned/needing to look at adoption so soon?

In all honesty it's the relationship that you have with them that counts. You are their Mum they know it, you know it, you will legally be changing their names etc

Deciding between special guardianship and step adoption can wait as long as it needs to. If your dh was unavailable you can sign whatever needs to be signed in loco parentis.

I think is special guardianship is easier/less paperwork go for that.

I wish you well with helping dd1 through her issues, I hope you are getting appropriate support with it.

Dd1 was never adopted by my first husband, we split up when she was 3 but my ex is her Dad in absolutely every way that counts, a legal bit of paper is pretty much meaningless when you have the evidence you need there in front of you day in day out IYSWIM.

Here is my "general feel" honey, for what its worth....

1.Well done to your chap...top marks for ticking every decency box there is. i love him already!

1. Top marks to you also for running with a very difficult and demanding time - I get so proud of women like you!

1. IMHO, if you love each other and want to make this work, then run at it with all guns blazing and just do it - whatever you need to do to keep your little team together and running as one happy unit, just do it. Life is WAY to short and full of "if's" "but's" and "just-wait-and-see's".

1. And whenever you feel a little wobble, or the exP makes any of you sad or doubt, go to Youtube (or suchlike) and listen - ALL the way through - to Climb Evey Mountain from The Sound of Music. I absolutely guarantee it will restore you with enough fight to invade Poland.

SO SO Proud of you and you chappie XXX

Hi I am fairly new to fostering so not an adpotion expert, but I think your listed option are all of the options.

I could be way off but I think if you adopt then the child becomes fully yours, no intervention from others. If sp gard or PR they do not become fully yours you just get the right to make the decisions and sign the paper work etc.

In a fostering situation therefore the two are very different. However in your situation as it's just the two of you responsible for them, it will not make much difference except for the process, paper work etc. and most importantly if it is really important to you to go for the full adoption or if you would be happy with PR.

Good luck, your all sound perfect together.

You sound lovely and I feel I must post so that you don't make the same mistakes I did. Almost 13 years ago, I was in a very similar situation to yours. DH had left a relationship with DS-1 (then 6 months old) when she was pg with DS2 (which he didn't know about). He tried to get custody when he found out about DS2, but it took until DS2 was 7 months old before he was removed from birth mother's care and given to DH. By this time, we had met and become engaged. Once we were married, DH and I were given joint parental responsibility. Solicitors at the time advised us not to worry about a formal adoption. Anyway, I have raised both DSs as my own and we have had two more DCs together.

DS2 was always a 'difficult' child, but DH and I didn't know about attachment difficulties until he was much older. I continued with my career and DH worked and we tried to raise all the children the same in a loving stable family. The DC had good qualified nannies and excellent nursery care before I finally gave up WOH almost six years ago as nobody could handle DS2. The others have generally thrived, but DS2 always displayed extremeley challenging behaviour in many ways. We thought at first he was just a difficult toddler, but first started seeking help with this when he was almost five. In the meantime, we did our best to parent DS2 with love and conventional discipline techniques, e.g., praising good/ignoring bad, time outs, star charts, 123 magic, etc., none of which worked with him. CAMHS were involved but were useless to us for years. Years later, DS2 was finally diagnosed with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), now being called Developmental Trauma, due to neglect and trauma in his early months.

Had we known what to look out for much earlier, we would have therapeutically parented right from the beginning. DS2 called me mummy right from the start too, and we seemed a happy little family, but his difficulty in attachment has always been there. Since the onset of adolescence, he has become increasingly aggressive and violent and we are now engaged with the LEA and SS in finding an appropriate residential specialist BESD school for him, which is quite a sad outcome for him and us, but unfortunately the rest of the family are not safe with him here.

Please don't take it the wrong way, as I'd only like to prevent anyone else going through similar heartbreak to mine. I highly recommend you read up on therapeutic parenting and parenting adopted children as your DDs are so young and it will not hurt them and is a great way of parenting anyway.

That is an incredibly candid post ByTheSea and I understand completely.
The effects of attachment disorder are very real but can come across as purely manipulative or theatrical hence the lack of understanding.
I would recommend a pro-active approach and start theraputic play with your DDs... it certainly won't do a let them feel close to you and grounded.
After Adoption do a course called 'Theraplay', they are a charity which support people from every angle of adoption. They have been amazing with my family

Dontpanic...you and your DP sound really lovely and I wish you and your family all the very best!

certainly won't do them any harm and will let them feel close to you...pesky keyboard!

I have absolutely not expertise in this area but just wanted to say that you both sound lovely.

I just wonder if by going through the adoption process, although perhaps more difficult in the short term, you could then draw a line under what has happened in the past. As "parent" it may mean never having to explain the situation to anyone unless you choose and knowing that legally you are their mum. Also that there is nothing hanging over your heads to do in the future and presumably no further involvement with social workers etc.
If there has been alot of this going on maybe it is something the girls don't see as particularly unusual and therefore would be best to get it all over and done with.

Anyway, as I said no expert but that is my two cents worth. Best of luck and happiness what ever you decide.

the adoption process is hellish and will distract you from the more urgent thing, which is emotional/attachment issues. if there is any easier way of securing the children legally i would go for that. can you get legal advice?

as bythesea & other have said, that you need to focus more on the children's emotional needs and trying to repair some of the damage and trauma they have suffered. please start therapeutic parensting asap.

Thank you so much for all your lovely replies. I am very interested in the therapeutic parenting, and will make some enquiries/do research this week. I will do anything to make sure my DD's have a happy unproblematic up bringing.

DP and I have spoken some more about everything and we are going to go ahead and get the girls surname changed. Then just wait out the time restrictions that we need to regarding living together etc and then we are just going to go for it. I think we owe it to the children to make their homelife as secure as we possibly can.

Thank you again ladies.

Good luck