Not your real mum - good answers

[miacis]

Hi

I'd really like some good one liners to give to my six year old who has told some of her friends at school that she is adopted. One of them said to her (in front of me) that 'she's not your real mum so you shouldn't call her mum'. This is inevitable I know but I'd really like to hear some good one liners that you might have heard or given to your dcs when this comes up.

thx

Oh, your poor little girl - and you. I'm still waiting to be matched, so no answers - but will wait with interest to read others' ideas.

god im dreading this.a friend of mine tells her dd to say your real mum is the one who looks after you,dont know if that's any use?
very difficult and would be interested for future reference as to what other replies there are.

I usually say "I am not the pretend mum, I am his real" or "fuck off!" Whichever suits the situation

Should be "I am real"

no my mum loves me so much she CHOSE me to be her daughter. your mum just has to put up with you because of biology.

though at 6 i guess thats a mouthfull.

Someone once said that to DS. He looked puzzled and then said "Yes she is" and carried on with what he was doing. Other child looked a bit awkward and wandered off. Don't know how it would have gone if other child had been more persistant.
DS was 8 at the time.

My own DD (5 at the time) said that to me about my mum after I had told her about me being adopted.

I just replied, "she was my only mum" (as she has passed away).

It took a while for DD to understand that as far as I was concerned my birth mother was not a mum.

I'm in the same position as Heifer - was adopted as a baby, (adopted) mum has passed away

I constantly came up against this as a child. "Your mum isn't your real mum," "your real mum didn't want you," and the real doozer, "you're secondhand" (gotta love what kids say, huh?! -this was said by a 9-year-old!!).

My mum taught me to say that "my parents CHOSE me whereas yours just got stuck with you!" which is, admittedly, not very kind, but it usually shuts people up. If the child saying the "not your real mum" stuff is under the age of, say, 9 or 10, they probably aren't being malicious, and are just curious about a situation that they haven't encountered before. (I say "probably" as there's bound to be someone out there with different experience of this!). And I also used to say, "My mum is my real mum, but I didn't come out of her tummy" or similar.

Incidentally OP, I was six when my parents explained the adoption to me in detail. I understood exactly what they were talking about, and had no problems with any of it at all. Thought it might be helpful to know this as I think you said your DD is six too ..?? Good luck with this

Thanks so much all. esp adoptees. DD is very familiar with her story and has always known she is adopted - ever since ever really we've given her age appropriate info. I don't generally broadcast the info taking the view that it is her story not mine to tell. She's clearly told some of her friends at school herself which is fine.

Don't think the other child was being malicious - just typical unknowing for that age.

I do like the formula my mum is my real mum I just didn't come out of her tummy.

Know this is going to come up lots so interested to hear ideas on responses. Forwarned is forearmed...

I think the real mum is the one who does the mothering. Not the woman whose tummy grew the baby; there's a lot more to mothering than growing a baby.

I don't know how you put those in the right terms for a 6yo, though .

My DD has recently started reception and was adopted from China (appreciate what you have said to your DTDs, MadamDS).

This thread has made me realise that I need to have a chat with DD's teacher about how questions about her adoption and ethnicity will be handled. Then I think I'll advise my DD to reply:

"She is my real mummy and if you don't believe me let's go and talk to Mrs about it."

Someone I know who is adopted refers to her 'tummy mummy' - not sure if this is a commonly used term with adoptions? SS you could say in response to such comments that your daughter is really lucky because she has two mummies - her tummy mummy and her real mummy who chose her, i.e. you. Am not very experienced with adoptions so not sure if that helps, but if you can put a positive spin on your answer and deliver it with a big confident smile it might take the sting out of such comments.

tummy mummy is more commonly used in America than here in the UK butnothing much wrong with itif it suits. The issue is rarely (in public) what to call the b1rth mother and telling a young child that they have two mummiescan be very confusing and may make them start to worry if they had one mummy who left that the other one might too.

You might want to google WISE UP if you haven't come across it before - I know that you can get workshops on it for childrne and I have a feeling they start at around age 6/7. Feed back I have heard from childrne is very positive. It is a "toolkit" to help your child decide who to respond to questions about their adoption.

It really dependson what kind of personality your daughter has - if she has the confidence, complete silence and not replying can be very effective! Lines such as "Oh my mummy is very real".

I think also reheasing somelines like that with her may be helpful so she's not caught on the hop without an answer again - going through list of poeple who are adopted form people she knows to famous people might also herherput it in context (my DS particularly lieks the idea that Paddington and Superman were adopted!)

you can get the W I S E up powerbook on amazon

i recommend the workshops for parents and children run by OASIS

10 year old (adopted) DD's suggestion for this thread is 'she is my real mum now because I don't live my birth mother anymore'...or 'well, she seems pretty real to me...!'

Neither of my two have. to my knowledge, had to face this particular question but I would just like to emphasise the usefulness of preparing (in a very casual way) any tricky situations with your child so that they feel confident and supported. Also, certainly in primary school, I have found it useful to have a word with teachers because of some of the issues re: some topics covered. Children are asked, quite rightly, to reflect and comment on their lives from birth in all sorts of topics as well as bring photos in of themselves at various ages. My two, certainly my DS, are old enough to have some horrific memories and they did not want to remember or talk about when they were very little in front of their peers. Also questions like - what did your Mum/family feel like when you were born? have proved interesting! Of course we said very happy but my DD was a bit flummoxed as she has no current interest and indeed no memories of her biological mother and so wanted to put what I felt like! I have, however, always had a lot of support from the DCs teachers about making sure that my two did not feel uncomfortable. And as my DCs knew that the teacher knew they also felt that there was someone they could go to - luckily it was never needed because of teasing, only, as I say because of the curriculum requirements.

In more recent years at school my DS has been very confdent about his background (or rather as he doesn't see it as an issue he doesn't expect any one else to - he's quite unconfident in other areas) so this attitude seems to rub off on his peers. My DD has had a wobble or two (more in her head than actual - lots of 'what ifs') but again, thinking through the possible senarios and rehearsing the responses seems to have given her confidence. I have a slight feeling that she quite likes it when people just don't believe her that she is adopted (she is at the age where she wants to be a bit 'exotic' or 'unusual' sometimes) and so they have to come to me to check! Then she can say 'told you so'!

I think the trick may be to take it quite calmly and matter of factly - as someone said, most kids who say this are not being unkind, just curious.

Good luck!

Oh that is really hurtful. I would love the word 'real' to be detached from adoption altogether. It's so thoughtless and implies that if one person is 'real' the other is not. In fact YOU are real, and bm is real too, but you are really parenting therefore significant. It makes me so cross!!
If it's any help, when we were kids we used to say 'well we consider this to be our real family' and that usually did the trick. A really mean one is to say 'can you be sure that is your real mum' but it's a bit off for 6 year olds isn't it?! Could you talk to the parents and explain how confusing it is for your child and ask them to explain it better to their child? Or are the other parents part of the problem. If it continues maybe the school could help?
Sorry these might all be inappropriate suggestions, just wanted to give some support. I'm dreading it coming up for my son in case I can't keep my temper with the other parents.Really like the idea of rehearsing what to say with him though, would probably stand me in good stead too!!

Thanks for all the good thoughts and the tip on the WISE UP book. Had heard of this before and will now def try and order it (will need to gird loins to order in dollars from amazon!)

Actually original statement was made in front of the other child's parent - who said nothing. I did talk to her afterwards but fundamentally this is something DD is going to have to deal with herself as it will come up in lots of guises.

We have had a really good chat about this and the reality of being adopted and how some people may comment on that. We are going through a phase where she is really fascinated by all things to do with families and how they are different so in some ways the incident has allowed us to explore that more.

Thanks so for all the ideas.

can i just add that if this is happening at school then please chat to the teacher about it. he/she will be able to do some pshe/circle time work about it. you may even find that the school does some work on it in assemblies. obviously your child wouldn't be singled out.

there are some excellent books around which your school should have and if not, be prepared to buy to have in the classroom.

What came to my mind was "she is my real mum, just not the biological one" but suppose that is complicated to say for a 6yo?!?

So "she IS real, next time go and pinch her to check"