Adopting 2nd child - how did if affect the 1st one?

[snail1973]

DH and I have now found a LA who seem keen to approve us and it looks like we will be doing prep courses in a few weeks. This has focussed our minds on the reality of adopting a 2nd child. The biggest worry we have is that it may really upset our gorgeous, very settled daughter who we adopted 2.5 yrs ago. She is 3.5 yrs now, so likely to be 4.5 or 5 yrs before a 2nd child came along.

Has anyone got any experiences they could share on this? How did 1st child feel, how long did it take to settle down, any big things to watch out for etc?

Thanks

watches with interest.

Hi Snail. We had our second child placed with us in March. DS was nearly 5 at the time and DD was 14 months. It's probably going to be a longish post from me, and there is hot chicken coming to the table for lunch, so I'll come back with the whole story after lunch. (I really know how to build suspense. )

Hi. Our 2nd daughter was placed with us when our oldest daughter was 3.6 (they seem close in age because they are related siblings but they didn't understand this so I guess this didn't have any affect).

It was a real roller coaster. DD1 naturally didn't like being dethroned as the only child and it brought out a lot of anger and upset on her part.

The worst part was when she began attacking her younger sister (which we thought would happen but were unprepared for the frequency and severity). After my husband went back to work after his paternity leave things went downhill.

At the worst point DD2 was being physically attacked by DD1 every couple of minutes. This was made worse by the fact that DD1 is very tall, strong and robust and DD2, as well as being prem is very slight and undersized generally. It was constant and exhausting. The worst point came when DD1 kicked DD2 in the face which propelled her down the stairs.

I found it really hard to keep my cool. I felt angry and hurt by DD1s actions. Although I knew that DD1 was not in control of her actions and was really upset and confused by what she was doing and starting showing signs of experiencing shame.

I felt like I couldn't protect DD2 who had been the oldest child in the foster home and fortunately never had to experience anything like it before.

It got to the point where I couldn't see any way of carrying on and thought "If I can't keep DD2 safe, what happens next?" I dreaded the idea of having to return her to her FC but it kept popping up.

Thankfully we have a fantastic adoption support SW. I phoned her in tears, she came straight over. We discussed strategies in detail (including the use of "parts language" - Holly Van Gulden - which helped DD1 deal with her issues of shame - highly recommend) We got through it.

We are now only 7 weeks in but already it has improved many times over. Everything is calmer and the 2 girls have the odd swipe at each other but it is 50/50 now and feels much more normal.

I am so glad we stuck at it because giving our DD1 the chance to be a sister is such a precious gift. She is really thriving and blossoming before our eyes, I feel like I love her even more now I see her being such a protective , caring, wonderful big sister (I didn't think it would be possible to love her any more)

She WAS unsettled and she really didn't like it at first but she LOVEs being a sister now and it is so lovely to see them together.

DD2 has come on in leaps and bounds and is also thriving. The first 2 words she learnt ahen she came home were "dada" and her sisters name. Cute!!!

I have focussed on the effects on DD1 because that is where you are coming from.

I am so excited for you on your journey. I am sure it will be a fantastic life enhancing experience for all of you.

There is nothing like seeing 2 little dressing gowns warming on the towel rail, or two pairs of wellies by the front door.

Wishing you lots of luck and fun

Wow ktbeau, that sounds so tough, I can't imagine how you handled all that. I am so glad SS actually came up trumps and helped you through it, I always worry that in that situation they would be negative, so it's great to hear that didn't happen.

Thank you for sharing your story, it is really useful to hear. We don't know anyone personally who has adopted a 2nd time and forums like this are a great way of finding out what other people have experienced.

Now, Bran... where are you??!!

Well Snail, the first thing you'll probably learn with 2 instead of 1 is that you get side-tracked a lot more. One child in bed, one to go. I'll be back soon.

Right, here I am.

DS is very extrovert and had been asking for a sibling for a while. He really enjoyed the handover part, mostly because there were other foster kids there to play with. We had to stay in a holiday flat so it felt like a holiday to him.

Once home, things were ok-ish so long as both DH and I were around. DS was a bit disappointed that DD wasn't walking and therefore couldn't play running around games with him. DD is very different in personality to DS and hates change and new situations so was quite clingy. Unfortunately DH went back to work the same week that DS's school broke up for Easter. Those two weeks were absolutely hellish.

DS was expecting to go out a lot to museums and parks as we usually did during school holidays. DD was still very clingy and didn't want to go into any new environments. DS was understandably upset that everytime he wanted to play a game or go somewhere DD needed a nap or to have her nappy changed. Like ktbeau's situation, DS was beating up DD all the time. I literally couldn't leave a room without taking one of them with me, which was exhausting. We don't have a big enough kitchen to eat in it which made meals desperately awkward with all the carrying back and forward. It was like one of those logic puzzles with a river, a small boat and an assortment of people who can't be left alone together but need to cross the river. Everytime I put DD down for a nap I would have to corrall DS in the sitting-room so that he couldn't deliberately wake her up. Bath time was just impossible unless DH was home from work.

By the end of the Easter holiday I had booked DS into holiday club for the whole summer as the thought of 6 weeks as referee between the two of them sent me into a panic.

It gradually got a lot better. DD adores DS and they do play together quite well. DS has always been very attention-seeking, and he was used to being the youngest and cutest in the extended family. He still gets upset if he feels he's not getting enough attention. But in some ways he has become an easier child than he was as an only because DD is around to keep him company (he hates being on his own more than anything in the world, except brussel sprouts). Once DD started walking she was more able to move out of the line of fire, and also to thump him back, but there are still a fair few bumps both truly accidental and trying to appear accidental. If DS wants to get immediate attention from us he usually still thumps her or snatches her toy. However he is very protective of her around other children, it's fine for him to beat her up but not allowed for others. DD always makes sure that DS has the same treats as she does, if she gets a biscuit she asks for one to give to DS. She really looks forward to picking him up after school and is usually saying his name and pointing at the door for a good 20 mins before we need to leave.

I definitely think we did the right thing, for both children although it was tough to start with. DS really benefits from having a sibling, and DD looks up to her big brother and tries to do everything he does.

Thanks Bran & ktbeau. Seems there is a theme here: child no. 2 is likely to be in the firing line for a while! I know from seeing friends who have 2 biological children that this is often the case but I guessed it would be worse with adoption because the 2nd child does not start out in the family as a newborn baby.

Do either of you think the jealousy (if that is how you'd describe it) is significantly more than tends to occur with biological siblings? Maybe that's hard to answer...

Bran - you touched on another thing that I wondered about. Did you take DS out of school so he could be part of the introductions with DD? Is that what SS advise?

DD came from quite a distance away from where we live so we had to move near the foster family during introductions. That meant the DS had to come with us. If she had been more local then we might have left DS in school for most of the handover and taken him with us at the weekend or maybe taken him out for a day or two. SS didn't really advise us either way, I think we just told them what we would do.

It worked quite well having DS there, but I think things could have been different if DD had been the only foster child as DS would have been quite bored then. It would have been too strange for DS if he hadn't been there for at least some of the handover though. It was good for him to have seen where she was coming from, and not just have her turn up in his home out of nowhere.

Hi Snail

I honestly don't know if the jealousy is any more severe than would be the case with bio sibs. I think it depends on how secure the child feels maybe.

In our case DD1 had only been with us 14 months when DD2 came along and DD1 has a fantastic memory and remembers the transistion to us, so I think in her case, if she had been with us from birth then she may have felt more secure which might have helped.

I did think that DD2 being able to walk etc might have made it harder (than a newborn) because she wouldn't just sit and let DD1 hold her and she can take/break DD1s toys etc but clearly from brans experience that wasn't the case and things improved when their little one became more mobile.

DD1 is at nursery all day (9am - 3pm) on Mon, Tues, Weds and we wanted to keep her there as much as possible. Partly for her sense of security and normality and partly because we thought, if we took her out of nursery then it would be harder to get her back into it. Luckily DD2 was local and our intros went from a Weds (DD1 wasn't involved on the first day) to a Tues and we fitted in the collection and drop offs around nursery times.

With school age children I guess they would need to have some time off, we were lucky because of DD1 being at part time nursery.

Hope this helps

I havent adopted a second child but a friend who was adopted explained to me how bewildered she felt when her parents adopted a second child. She had had her adoption explained to her in terms of how her parents waited and waited for a baby and finally found her etc and when they said they were adopting a second child it made no sense to her - was she no longer fulfilling their need?

Looking back she felt that if they had explained it in terms of how they were doing it for her and their family unit it could have made more sense - even if she wasnt inclined to agree with their reasoning in the early days!