what was your first night/week like when you brought your adopted baby home for the first time!!!

[muli]

I'm so excited we have been aproved to adopt a baby girl starting in January,I would love to hear from people who have expierenced this,wondering what it was like staying with the foster family whilst bonding and what your drive home with your very own new baby was like!how was it on the first day,night ,week with your new baby!

I don't know as have never adopted but Congratulations!!

What is she like- how old etc?

Sure some others must have some experiences to share!

No idea sorry .

I am a foster parent and would love to adopt one day, so I just wanted to say congratulations, so excited for you .

I'm sure it will be fine .

my experiences are not common as I adopted form overseas so our first night was spent in a hotel! And the next month was spent living out of a suitcase in various appartments waiting for his passport to be processed so we could come home.

But to get back to your question DS was about 13 months but very small and delayed as he was a 26 week premmie so about the size of a 6 month old at that point. For me in many ways it was like having a new born - the first night I got up about every 30 mins to check he was still breathing! It was a combination of being so exciting and feeling like I was babysitting for someone elses child.

It was also a shock that no-one taught me exactly what to do with him - I don;t know why but I was sort thinking that somehow they would hand him over with a note explaining how to bath him, feed him, dress him etc but just like with a new born I had to learn it all myself.

Would never have believed how long it was going to take me to get both of us dressed and breakfasted initially!

well she's one with loads of hair ( cant walk pass claire accesories without buying hair clips etc ,how weird) I only have photos at this stage , feel we have so much preperation ,but i know it will be fine,.

thanks for sharring our joy.x

I didn't have a new baby but this is a little of how it was for me. My DS and DD were six and a half and three and a half respectively and I was absolutely terrified! Introductions had taken place over a horrifying short space of time - on the other hand they had been with a foster carer who, whilst having done a great job, had completely stepped over the line (understandably because they were and are gorgeous of course!) in terms of getting attached to them and it was almost a case of wrenching them from her (literally - her sister had to more or less carry her off). So in some ways I was glad to get on with it all.

I was stressed to high heaven, lost about a stone and half in the first few weeks (seriously - because I was too anxious to eat). Started sobbing when I opened the door to my lovely adoption social worker for the first time about three days later. It wasn't that they weren't lovely - they were - if a little 'high spirited' ho hum! But I just felt the overwhelming enormity of what I had done and I suddenly doubted myself hugely and wondered whether I could ever come to love these two little people - fully formed it seemed at that age - even though I quite liked them - could I LOVE them?

And look at us now - the anniversary of their coming to me was eight years ago yesterday and I now would cheerfully kill for them. And actually, looking back, it didn't take that long. They are wonderful, funny, loyal to each other and to me, loving, exasperating, infinitely interesting, STILL a little high spirited!!!, challenging, beautiful (no, honestly - my son really is, I can say that - as it is nothing to do with my genes!) and adopting them is the best thing I ever did.

So DON'T expect to 'fall in love' the minute you meet your baby, expect all the emotions in the world so be good to yourself, get support not just from other adoptive parents but also just other parents. Some of my best advice and suport has come from my closest friend (mother of four - you can imagine how awful she has felt every time she became, it seemed effortlessly, pregnant with me struggling through IVF, adoption approval etc!). She was able to say to me everytime I got a bit paranoid about it all being down to their being adopted that I was just looking at part of the wide spectrum that is normal. Don't expect to sleep for the foreseeable future because even if your baby is asleep - you won't be - I lay awake just listening for the sounds that were not normal - trouble is I didn't know what they were! There was such a history I had missed out on!

Oh and most importantly - be yourself and trust yourself. Be the mother that you always wanted to be. I had had it drummed into me that it was very important that to start with and for some time after that I kept things the way they had been at the foster carers as it would be unsettling otherwise especially the age my two were. Unfortunately their foster carer was about as far away from me in terms of parenting as could possibly be imagined - even though I take my hat off to her in some ways and, if it wasn't for her, my kids would not have been as settled as they were as they were in a dreadful state I gather when she got them. However, after one Sunday morning breaking down in tears, in all the effort of, on top of everything else, trying to keep to all the 'rules' that she had set - I just went, 'Stuff it'. If these two had been mine from birth I would be doing it so differently and so I let them, for example, run about the house in their PJs for example, I gave them all sorts of 'exotic' food - i.e. not Pot Noodles (that was supposed to be very important, keeping to the the food they were used to but I just couldn't do it!), I let them come into the kitchen and help me cook, I let them do all sorts of things that hadn't been allowed (they were forever asking me 'am I allowed to .....' and I know that as a foster carer - and she was and probably still is a very good one - she had all sort of rules that she had to adhere to - my mistake was thinking I had to as well) and we have been as happy as larks ever since. So - trust your instincts - Lord knows we have been assessed to death in a way that most people who have birth children aren't (no offence PLEASE - don't want a backlash)so we must be able to do some things right.

So much luck and hugs to you - I am quite jealous. My DD would LOVE another sibling but I am too old I fear and my personal circumstances have changed but I wish you all the luck in the world - you are going to have so much FUN!

Congratulations: what wonderful news. I have three sets of friends who adopted babies, one who had a birth child and the others for whom it was their first. They all said it felt unreal for weeks, especially the ones who had a bc because their experience of bringing their baby home was so different from the first time 'round. The mummy said she felt like she was baby-sitting, but she could go through the motions because she knew what to do with a baby. The others were more tired and confused, not having had a baby to look after before, just like most first-time parents. They all fell in love with their babies, some faster than others. They were all tired! It will be wonderful.
p.s. neverjamtoday: thanks so much for your wonderful post. Am almost approved and terrified so always thrilled to hear such a happy adoption story.

Neverjam, what a lovely post!

Muli, it sounds like you will have a wonderful time with your new dd.

Trust your instincts and Best of luck!

Well first of all congratulations

Speaking as a foster mum of newborns, many of whom go for adoption, from my point of view being with the foster family during introductions should be a good experience.

I am appalled at neverjams experience but not surprised, having had adopters relate tales of awful experiences with previous foster carers.

One couple couldn't believe how easy we made it for them as they had never been allowed to be alone with their child during introductions or see him being bathed or have his nappy changed in a subsequent adoption process.

I have to say I am upfront with how much I will miss their child and I ask that they make "leaving day" as quick as possible ie come in, pick up child, leave. Don't talk to me or hug me or I will break down

I keep my howls and tears until I've closed the front door, why should my grief be their burden?

Have a wonderful time in January and again, many congratualtions

My heart is melting with such warmth and support, i am truely grateful . Neverjam thankyou.x

Congratulations Muli and I'm sure you're rellay pleased with the excellent posts here. I am a retired sw with 30 years experience as a l.a. adoption & fostering sw and manager. I now qork independently assessing foster carers and adoptors and do some parenting a/ments for the courts.

I think the advice you have been given on here is excellent. Just want to underline the thing about expectations. Many adoptors don't immediately "love" their baby or child and some are incredibly anxius that they have done the wrong thing, but we don't usually find this out until later when all is well! Obviusly some adoptors are afriad to tell their ad sws in case they get the wrong idea, but any experienced worker will know that these feelings are absolutely normal and that there will always be aperiod of adjustment and the new parents will feel a whole range of emotions, which again is perfectly normal. As others have said, confide in people you trust, and be gentle with yourself. As well as all the emotional stuff yu will have all the practicalities of childcare to get to grips with and it can all be daunting, but exciting at the same time.

Neverjam -WHAT a powerful and absolutely brilliant post - every word from the heart. Have you ever thought of writing as a way of earning a living. I think you should.

Goodluck Muli and sending good wishes to you and Jenny goodluck to you and hope all goes well.

Oh yes I should add I actually felt very little for DS initially other than a rather detahced "Oh yes he is very cute". Someone gave me some good advice at the time "Pretend" - at some point the pretneding became real without me even realilsing.

Flower 3545 - wish you had been my kids foster Mum! I really don't mean to have a go at mine - she did a brilliant job in many many ways but, IMHO my kids had been left with her far far too long and she had, I think, sort of forgotten that she would have to let them go one day - but I can't really complain about that as, if they had been placed for adoption earlier, they might be with someone else! A thought too awful to contemplate!

Hey I can go on and on and on about my kids - but we all can I am sure!? I am happy to be able to share a positive story with prospective adopters. Sometimes all you hear is the bad stuff. That is not too underestimate what still might lie ahead for me and what lies ahead for others. We take on so much in way of baggage (and although not all suitcases are full of horrible things they can be very heavy) - it can be hard work hauling that about with you. But the moments of joy far far outweigh the stressful ones for sure.

Thank you neverjam

I think that children are very often left with a carer for too long but sometimes thats down to the courts or social services and the alternative would be to move children willy nilly so that carers don't get too attached.

I believe that loving my little ones is unavoidable but thinking they are "mine" even for an instant is a step too far.

Flower - you are absolutely right - it wasn't her fault they were there so long and (of course) they are so georgeous I can't blame her for falling for them! That's why I think I am too selfish to be a foster carer and I do admire people like yourselves. I had from actually a very early stage - oddly before I have even realised I truly loved my kids - an overwhelming desire to bellow 'They're mine - ALL MINE!' (and that has it's own problems as I have, of course, had to come to terms with the fact that there are other people who might lay claim to that statement). So the fact that you may bond with child after child only to give them up calmly because it is the right thing for the child is one which fills me with admiration.

I think that I might also have come across as a bit critical of all her 'rules' but many of them (although not all - there were many many odd ones apart from the diet of Pot Noodles one!) were a result of all the red tape that she had to follow. So I do reiterate that, for new adoptive parents, it is sometimes best to follow your instincts.

Could NOT believe that this wonderful thing had happened and I had a child! Spent a long time awake just looking at her and thinking (still do } that I was the luckiest person in the world!
Husband was 4,000 miles away and I was alone in a hotel room in India with a 6 month old baby having spent weeks waiting for paperwork to be complete whilst getting to know her. Had spent time at the orphanage and learnt quite a lot about her "routine" but once we were together we did what felt right for us both. Learnt a lot quite quickly. I did spend a day with my health visitor to be before going out there which I found so helpful and her advice was to have confidence in our abilities as parents even though we might be lacking in experience.
THen faced challenging time waiting for more aperwork and travelling across India before flying home. Would do it all again now if I could!!

Should have said she's now a delightful 16 year old!

oh wow - can i just say, i think you are all wonderful mums, all of you - adopters and foster carers alike. i feel quite choked reading this - foster carers have to be the most selfless people ever - to give up a child they have grown to love - oh my word, it must be heart wrenching, but ultimately for the best for the children.

Just wanted to say how wonderful i think you all are

LOL at the Pot noodles

I think I blanked a lot of the first week! Introductions are basically something you survive, and are necessary, but nobody enjoys them!

It was exhausting and felt very weird - I thought it must be obvious to anyone who looked at us that we didn't belong together. In our experience the affection for the children did grow over time, you feel sort of like a baby sitter, i.e. you are looking after them but don't feel you "own" them. But you have to behave to the children as if they are the most precious thing to you in the world - "fake it till you make it" in every way.

Some wonderful friends brought meals round or we'd have been eating the Pot noodles ourselves.

I'd say cut yourselves lots of slack - you will have wonderful times and struggles too but without a crystal ball you won't know which. You often see posts on forums from people in the first week saying "we have made a terrible mistake" and six months later they are saying, Oh yes that was awful at first, things are nothing like that now.

Also remember it's much worse for the child. When I look back now at pictures of our first week together me and DH are all smiles and DS1 has absolute terror and abandonment in his little eyes. For them, every move is a trauma. We didn't notice it at the time but comparing them with pictures even 6 months later there is such a noticeable difference. All the funny things they suggest you do like having the same washing powder as the FC and making the environment feel familiar with music and scents - anything you can do to help that fragile little person cope with such a big change must be worth while.

Truck loads of good luck and do come back and let us know how you get on

blithedance - now I feel dreadful wittering on about 'doing it your own way' when of course it is so important to keep things familiar in many ways. I just wanted to get across the idea that you can't beat yourself up about everything you don't do by the book!

'Fake it till you make it' is so true (but it's funny how the transition from one to the other happens whilst your not looking)

Oh no don't feel terrible. Your post was brilliant. I would think if you manage to keep even 1 or 2 "bonding" things in mind you are doing well, at such a time of chaos. It was only when I looked at those pictures ages later it occurred to me.

Not my thread, but it's been great to read it. Weeks away from panel here and still nearly only hearing that we are making a terrible mistake, adoption always goes wrong, the child will set fire to the house/hate us/resent us/be deeply unhappy. Thanks for giving me an alternative view (yes, I now it might well turn out to be very complex and difficult for us, but want to go into this with at least some hope). Also, I know it's not the same thing, but I felt absolutely lost and bewildered when ds was born. I had to fake it for a good while and then one day he gave me this smile, it was just for me and just between the two of us, no one else could have understood what it meant, and I was absolutely besotted. It took a while, but it was so overwhelming and still is.

That's such a shame you are only hearing bad stories. Maybe people tend to write more in when they need support? Though I think that is not so much the case on this site.

The day before we went to fetch DS I went to bed thinking 'Tomorrow I will meet my son' and as soon as I woke up I thought 'This is the day we are going to meet our son!'
There was all sorts of admin to sort out first and I looked around the room and thought 'Everyone here is at work, but this is not work for us, this is the most important day of our lives'. When the foster mother came in I went over to her and wondered if it was OK to give her a hug as she had been caring for DS for a while by then. I settled for a warm self-introduction and a big smile. Later she said that she had been very nervous about that meeting but once she knew she was handing DS to warm people she knew it would be OK.

Finally the meeting was over and we had to find our way first to the hotel and then to the fc's house. Our social worker was fantastic and came with us everywhere. I was not sure when we would actually get to see him, but the fc brought him to the front door. I have a photo of that moment it is called 'first sight'. All the way through the assessment process I was thinking that there is a child out there somewhere and I am going to be his / her Mum, and finally here he was! I don't want to sound too mystical about it, but honestly he was born the month we applied to adopt, so that seemed truer than I had ever thought it would really be.

Bringing him home was more conflicting. I was happy to have him, but I felt terribly aware that our relationship was starting with him being taken away by us from everything and everyone he knew. It seemed a betrayal of trust. But he was amazing. He worked so hard at it that my heart bled for him. To this day I call him my little champion. His courage and his ability to form loving relationships again and again never fail to move me. After a couple of months the fc came to see him for a couple of hours and he cried and screamed when she left, but that same day we had a big party with a cake that said 'Welcome home DS' and all our referees were invited. Believe me, there may be problems but there are in lots of families. If you focus on the child you will be fine. It will be the best thing you have ever done.

This thread is making me feel quite weepy. Good luck, Muli! You sound like a great mother. And you will spend a lot of time in CLare's if you have a daughter--buy shares in the place now.

As an adoptee can I suggest something my mother did for me - she kept a diary documenting the whole process including when she got the first call saying they had a baby as well as detail about when they collected me from the foster carer and beyond.

I loved my diary when I was growing up and still cherish it now as it really made the process so personal to my family as well as a useful tool in demonstrating how 'wanted' I was by my family especially when the inevitable feelings of abandonment bowl you over every now and again.

Yes, a Diary is a great idea. There's a lot of emphasis these days on keeping as much info. about the child as possible. Some of it is down to ss, some to the fc and some to the families. We will be sure to take millions of pictures, record as much as we can of the process and our feelings and of our little boy's getting to know his sister, and hopefully share this with our child one day. Thanks for your wonderful messages and muli : Please let us know how it all goes if you can. I'm sure it will be wonderful, and you will find yourself washing, brushing, smelling and kissing that big hair before you know it. There are loads of discussions on the Adoption UK boards about meeting a new baby and so on. You might find them interesting, but be warned, the messages can be very upsetting too as lots of people write in when they need advice and support. Good luck.