Mixed feelings

[TheWorldFamousKewcumber]

DS is four tomorrow and I'm sitting her elate wrapping his presents feeling really conflicted. I am so proud of him, he's such a little trouper - its the first time I've received a Mumsnet Parents guide (what to expect at 4) that I've been able to tick off every expected milestone (except apparently his grammar is rather poor - eh?!)... he is bang on target for everything - no premmie delays no institutional delays, no speech delays etc etc. He's such a great boy and I can't believe how much I have come to love him over the past 3 years.

And yet I'm sitting here thinking of his birth mother and how she will never know him or he her, and how his birthday will forever also be the anniversary of the day she relinquished him.

Is this a phase? I don't remember feeling quite this way before, I think possibly because its the first year that he's really conscious of it being his birthday and is so excited about having a party tomorrow. Its a honeymoon period before he really grasps the implications of being adopted and it saddens me to think he may not have very many years to enjoy it before it might start to bother him.

ONe of the things I never considered about adopting was the pain you feel on behalf of your child and how impotent you are, you really can;t change it.

Does this feeling wear off? Am I just being maudlin because I have a cold?

I don't know. But a very good friend adopted 3 children all at once. She already had 3 other biological children and several step children, so is experienced. She talks about the various problems there have been with the children which initially she blamed on the fact that they were adopted. Normal, everyday things, like 3 year old doesn't want to put on shoes. Clearly not an adoption issue, but in her mind, it could be. Defiant child stems from being neglected as a baby, hence not wanting to put on shoes etc.

And then she realized that not everything is an adoption issue. Some were. Some weren't. And then it evolved to none of the problems were adoption issues, until asked. One of the older children did ask about biological mom, and she was honest and said, 'she couldn't keep you safe, and she loved you so much that she wanted you to be with us...'

You are his mother and his memories will be of you and how you made his birthday special.

Honestly??? I think these feelings will come and go forever. I know they do for me.

If you didn't have deep rooted emotions about this subject you wouldn't be normal. You love your child and care deeply about all aspects of his life of which birth mum and the fact of his adoption is one.

Have always at some point on their birthdays felt very reflective and at times overwhelmed by it all.
I think about how they might be thinking about those babies and wondering about them now. Our reports are at the orphanage with intructions for them to passed on if ever contact is made. They await but I guess the chances are the birth mothers whilst I'm sure never forgetting have lives that have somehow also moved on.....
Our much older girls have never once said anything about it on their birthdays though and it's never appeared to have clouded their enjoyment of their special day. Sometimes I think they've moved on more than we have! I'm just so aware of how much sheer joy (such an understatement) we have had from their decision to reliquish and how difficult that decision must have been however convinced they were that it was the right one for them. There are many of those special moments shared by many of us who chose to adopt - the revisiting of these and other issues and IME it sometimes catches you unawares! You will have a lovely day I'm sure and those achievements are to be celebrated!

Thank you Beemail - helpful post - its nice to hear it form someone more experienced in the same boat. Of course I am also very grateful that DS never had to suffer any neglect or abuse so there is that to be grateful for. It makes me sad that I'm not even sure if his birth mother knew that he survived.

I tried putting a notice in a local paper under her assumed name just saying there was news of family significance but no joy and will place another advert again when he is five and probably every few years afterwards.

At least the rest of the day will be too busy to be too relective! Party for 18 4 yr old ahead!

So how was the birthday?

Birthday was great - have stopped being mopey! I guess getting a bit sentimental a fw times a year is fair recompense for getting the joy of having DS grow up with me.

bedlambeast - you point about 4 being a honeymoon period for any child is a good one - if only we could protect them forever and make everything lovely all the time.

yes frightening to beleive he is four isn;t it - oh yes its been way worth the hassles which seem a distant memory now.

He keeps asking me "is I taller now mummy?"!