adopting with birth child?

[jenny60]

Hello All,

I am back after a long while to beg for more advice. We are now just weeks away from panel and obviously going through all sorts of emotions, but our main concern remains our birth child. Until the younger child arrives, he is our priority and I would love some advice from experienced people out here. We have been told to go for a child as young as possible which seems sensible adn we are down for 0-2. Our bc is 6. We know there aren't many babies there, but we are prepared to wait a long time or ultimately be disappointed. That's ok, we can deal with that. But I would still be grateful to hear about about any real life experience out there about age gaps, strategies for handling the transition what works and what doesn't, happy stories or not so happy ones, anything really. Please don't hold back if you've had a terrible experience and wouldn't recommend this: it's best to be as prepared as we can be.

Many thanks again,
J

I only have experience as being the older child: I was 5, my older brother 9 and my younger 4 when our new little brother arrived aged 2. I remember it as a very positive experience though it must have been quite stressful for him, poor little mite.

He did not have any SN and no serious attachment disorder, though he did not speak our language at first and used to have violent temper tantrums. Didn't worry me much to be honest, we were all old enough to be protective; the only one who did eventually react with some jealousy was my oldest brother who was always most emotionally immature (they get on well now though, and were alway fond of each other). But that might well have been the same with a biological sibling who took a lot of time and attention.

My parent were quite matter of fact about it, clearly saw it as of equal permanence to their relationship with the other children.

And the outcome has been very good, in that we are all very close, he has a happy life, happy marriage, is a great dad, and is still very close to our parents.

But obviously, there would have been greater difficulties if he had suffered from attachment disorder.

The age gap was right: I'd say at least 2 years absolute minimum and the youngest child already there needs to be old enough not to need too much attention, so past the toddler stage: it does take a lot of time in the first year or so. My parents were working flat out. And so was I.

Hi Jenny - sorry I don't have any personal experience of adoption but I have been an adoption & fostering sw and manager for over 25 years and still work independently (very part time) mostly assessing prospective adoptors and foster carers.

So glad you are almost through part of the process and are going to panel. You aren't any different from most pros adoptors TBH - you would be rather strange parents if your main concern at this stage was not your BC and sws understand this. The problem is with adoption (like so many things in life really) is that until you actually do it you can't know what it's like (bit like having a baby of your own). Yes it helps to equip yourself with as much info as possible, read around the subject, talk to adoptors etc etc but in reality none of this willreally prepare you for the actual placement, because each situation is different and all families are different. Sorry if this doesn't sound very helpful but it seems like you are maybe looking for something that isn't actually there.................IYSWIM.

I think the emotions you are going through are absolutely normal at this stage and it would be strange if you weren't feeling a whole range of emotions, and it's scary isn't it. I also know of many situations where adoptors have continued to feel a range of negative and positive emotions after placement, though sws don't usually get to hear about the negative ones until they have subsided for obvious reasons!

I can recall one adoptor with 2 BC and she adopted an 18 month old. She told me (muchlater on) that she was walking to school to meet the older kids a few days after plct with the toddler in the push chair and was ovrwhelmed with a feeling of "OMG what have we done" and felt really panicky and awful and spent the night in tears. She was afraid to tell me then because she thought we would remove the baby, but had she told me I could have assured her that these feelings are normal and will come and go over time. It's a huge thing adoption and it has to be expected that there will be all sorts of feelings. The hope however has to be that over time the child will settle and the family will adjust. The 18 month old I mentioned was adopted and all was well.

I think the most important thing about preparation is to get your head around the whole issue of attachment because this is at the root of a lot of adoption problems. You may already have had training but if not, ask you sw about it and read as much as you can. You are probably a member of Adoption UK but if not I would join up and there is a talk board there which I'm sure you will find useful.

Finally your little boy - the same as if you were having another BC to be honest - he musn't feel pushed out though it's inevitable that he might for a time, but you have to find ways to ensure this is kept to a minimum. Anyway I'm sure you know all about that kind of stuff.

SO try and relax, feel what you feel, don't overthink, and be positive. Don't forget that many adoptions turn out to be very positive. Good luck.

I don't have experience of adopting, but I was adopted by my stepmother (when she married my father after the death of my birth mother). I've spoken to my (adoptive) mother about this over the years: she took on three young children in additional to her teenage birth children. Twenty years on, no-one outside the family who doesn't know the history can tell we're not all blood relatives.

The point is, that children that are so young (I was six) are actually very accepting. So long as all your children feel secure and loved, they will be OK. And as you have your own birth child, you will already understand that, for example, when children do peculiar (or mean!) things that you don't understand, it's because they are a child. It's not because you don't understand them as well as you 'understand' your birth child. Equally, when you lose your temper because they've driven you mad all day, it's not a sign of a lack of a connection or the requisite amount of patience with your adoptive child: it is family life!

I'm not underestimating the challenges of bringing a new child in to your family, but I'm trying to say: don't over-estimate them. Your BC is going to have the wonderful experience of a younger sibling. Everyone goes through ups and downs with their child(ren): adoptive relationships are no different. And that is how it should be!

The only 'difference' I feel towards my adoptive mother is profoundly grateful for the wonderful upbringing she's given me - it could have all been so different. And also great respect for my older (step) brothers for accepting us so completely when they were teenagers.

Good luck: I think you are doing a great thing, and if circumstances allow in the future, I would like to do the same.

Thank you all for replying. I really appreciate it.

NN I know what you're saying. I really want someone to say it will all be all right when of course no one ever can. I have read until my eyes hurt, talked and talked to people who have been through it/are going through it and read and talked some more. The problem is that so much of my reading, talking etc..., has led me to believe that there will be problems, quite likely very serious ones, no matter how young the child, and no amount of love or preparation can overcome that. My reading of the Adoption UK message boards confims this: it breaks my heart to think of all the families out there in real crisis and so little help being made available.

Will that be us in a year or two? It might well be. So why are we going ahead with this, given that it might well hurt our bc? That's what I keep wondering. I don't really know except that the family doesn't seem complete, that I feel very driven by it and that it's something I've wanted to do ever since I can remember.

It was lovely to hear about your brother Croy: I hope our situation comes close to turning out like that. It was brilliant that even a 2 year old could settle so well into his new family. I have a friend who adopted a 6 year old about 4 years ago and that has gone so well. You never saw such a happy girl, but my friend is primed for the teenage years when things could go very wrong as they often do with adopted children. It's that feeling of living with a time bomb that really scares me.

Wondering: most people adopt for themsevles, I think, because they want a child and not because they want to help children in the abstract and I don't feel as though I am doing anything wonderful. Your situation sounds like it turned out really well and it does give me hope. Your stepmum sounds amazing .But although the death of your mum must have been devastating for you, unlike most children who are adopted, I bet you felt loved and wanted and looked after by both your parents before your mum died, by your dad always and then by your dad and step mum later. The kids we would likely be 'offered' would probably never have had any kind of stablity or security and it seems that it's virtually impossible to reverse that. Any child removed these days from her or his borth family is going to have suffered, some so badly I can hardly bear to think about it, and the reality is that parenting these children is really hard, sometimes impossible. They are too damaged to adapt to their new situations in a postive way. It's not their fault, it's a product of dreadful upbringing and often generations of familial problems.

We are scared of ruining our son's life, though I agree that a little sib for him could also be wonderful. It's a big decision and I'm sorry if I don't make much sense. I am thinking aloud really.

Thanks again. J

Sorry, Jenny, I didn't mean to make light of the difficulties an adopted child might have. But to be honest, my early childhood was relatively disrupted (although not in the way of a child that has been removed from its parents) and I do feel that early difficulties can be overcome.

I thought my experience was particularly relevant as the child you'd be looking at adopting would be under 2 years old, when very few memories are formed. Although the attachment issues might be hard, I would hope they are not insurmountable at that age.

But I wanted to add my thoughts - not really the same situation but just an example of how a potentially disastrous situation (six children, two families, different geographical locations, difference ages, bereavement) all came together for a happy ending!

Jenny, just to add: I didn't mean that the situation did not carry its own difficulties. My brother had violent temper tantrums until he was about 10 (but was very easy-going in between). It did not interfere with our bonding, though; I think we just accepted that he had days that would end in a big explosions, just like my Mum had days when she'd be a bit tearful, and my big brother could be very whingey. All part of the wear and tear of family life is the way we saw it.

I assume that this was about the trauma of being separated from his first culture, rather than of attachment disorder as such, as he clearly knew how to relate to people.

And at least it left me well prepared for the day when my biological dd, traumatised for totally different reasons, started having the same kind of violent tantrums. I knew all the tricks and was not unduly frightened: my parents had coped and so would I.

Nothing to do with children is ever without risk. If anyone had told me about the stresses that having my two biological children would bring (disability, trauma, emotional problems), I would never had dared. But it's been worth it

Hi jenny, you're absolutely not alone! I am approved and waiting for a match, with a 4 yo dd. Some days I feel terribly excited and can't wait to get started. Other days I have terrible cold feet and feel i am about to destroy my dd's life.

To be honest, I tend to avoid the AdoptionUK message boards. They are always full of terribly sad stories and, while I don't doubt it is useful to learn from others' experiences, there comes a point where it stops being educational and starts being depressing. I DO think I'm well informed about adoption, but - just like when I had a birth child - I need to be able to move forward in hope that this will be a positive experience for the entire family. IN my experience, friends and family are all too keen to tell you about the friend of a friend whose adopted child set fire to their house, or just say in hushed tones: "You're so brave!"

Like any prospective parent, we're anxious about what the future will hold. And part of the challenge of adoption is managing that tension between exploring the worst possibilities while daring to dream that we, and our children, can be happy.

Cory and Wondering, I am sorry if I made assumptions about your situations that I shouldn't have. Believe me, your posts give me real hope and I latch on to the stories I know about adoptions going right, or at least as right as normal family life can be. If there wasn't part of me that hoped for the best, I wouldn't go on. I really do sppreciate your taking the time to write so kindly and helpfully to a total stranger.

Hester, I know what you mean about adoption uk. So many adopters have told me to keep away and I do on the whole, but sometimes I have a quick look and it's disturbing. But I have also spoken to lots of families in our situation and the news from them has been pretty positive overall so I live in hope. Good luck. J

Our eldest dd, to whom I gave birth, was almost 5 when we adopted her sister, who was 1.

It has been hard at times, but I am so glad we applied to adopt, were approved, and were truly blessed with this wondeful little person, who has now been with us 4 years.

I love them both so much, and am so proud of them both. They are very different (dd1 has a variety of special needs, dd2 is a very physically active, artistic and imaginative little girl) and my dh and I feel so lucky to have them both.

We, also, avoid the BAAF and Adoption UK websites and magazines as far as possible. We do know fellow adopters (we have not put our head in the sand!!) and dd2's Godparents are adopters, who are currently waiting to adopt again. We just got sad of hearing all the horrendous horror stories, and wanted to concentrate on our own, individual, little youngest daughter. Our experience has been very positive.

Pheasantplucker: Thanks for that beautiful post. It gives me hope. Do your girls get on well together? Am trying to avoid the AUK websites and trying to stay positive .... Jx

I should also add that I nearly drove myself mad worrying about the possible problems my potential DC might have. In the end I just had to chill out and wait for the real child and assess problmes then. On the upside there are many things you will know your DC won;t have unlike a pregnancy where you have no control over what special needs your child might have. You would be aware of any physical needs the child might have and be able toassess whether you could deal with them or not - you don;t get that option with birth children. So you may take on more uncertainty in some ways but other things become more certain.