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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Anyone else waiting to be matched?

36 replies

hester · 31/10/2009 21:10

And could do with a bit of mutual support?

Cos it's doing my head in a bit...

OP posts:
bramblebooks · 31/10/2009 21:50

Just to say all the very best to you. I was expecting ds2 when my lovely friend was waiting to be matched with her first lovely little girl. little did we know that her little girl was born on my ds' due date - so all the tracking and wishing and thinking we were doing watching my little fella mirrored the stages her little one was going through.

It's a hellish long time to wait, including the wait to mug the postman - who was well aware of what my pal was waiting for. But oh how brilliant now. x

Original poster
hester · 31/10/2009 22:14

That's really touching, bramblebooks, and very sweet of you to post it. Thank you

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 31/10/2009 22:15

ah the hardest time - the waiting after all the manic preparation and paperwork and research. Then you sit.... and wait.... and sit... and worry... and wait...

God I feel so smug that its behind me [unhelpful emoticon]

Original poster
hester · 31/10/2009 22:23

Hi Kewcumber

Everybody warned me the process was an emotional rollercoaster, but I breezed through home study - we have a nice sw, and I understood the process, and knew what we were doing.

Now, I feel completely powerless and out of control. I hate it when I request further information on the Children Who Wait website, and their social workers never ever get back, not even with an acknowledgment. I hate not being considered for a child, with no understanding as to why. I hate it when a child's social worker says they are very interested in us, then all of a sudden they're not. I hate being told not to get emotionally invested in a child, then sent their CPR - how the hell can you read one of these without getting emotionally invested?

Can you tell I'm a control freak? It's going to be a tough year...

OP posts:
hifi · 01/11/2009 10:51

we have just been matched for no. 2, we darnt get excited yet as so much can still go wrong.
its awful all the waiting, but well worth it in the end so keep on going.

NanaNina · 01/11/2009 15:26

Hi Hester - I am an independent sw after retiring from a l.a. after 35 years in fostering and adoption. Have you been approved by a l.a. or a voluntary organisation? If the latter there are are many reasons why you would not be considered, largely to do with finance.

However I am assuming you are with a l.a. I can well understand your frustration and I have known many many prospective adoptors who have been through the same thing. When were you approved by the way - I assume fairly recently. What age range are you approved for? If for a youngish baby then you may well have to wait longer and I would have thought this would have been explained to you

Are you aware that it is the child's sw who makes the decision about pursuing specific adoptors for a specific child and not your adoption sw. though sometimes this can be a joint enterprise. There are all sorts of reasons why you have to wait for the right child, and I'm sure you realise the absolute importance of good matching. When you mention the Children who Wait list, is this one from your l.a. or are you talking about a national list. It is very bad that sws don't get back to you when you have expressed an interest and I know from experience that sometimes they are just too busy - crazy I know as children need to be placed, but I'm afraid that's often how it is.

You will feel unable to control this part of the process and I'm afraid that you will have to learn to live with this. There are many situations in life after all when we can't control things and it's not a bad lesson to learn especially when becoming a parent!

Try to be patient and maybe wait to see if there is a good match for you without looking at the Children who Wait list. Mind I am a few years out of SSD now and as a l.a. we didn't send our internal list out, though prospective adoptors could see the list compiled by BAAF and Adoption UK. Have you joined either organisation - if not maybe google them as there is a wealth of info on these sites.

Wishing you good luck and hope that before long you will be looking forward to intros!

Original poster
hester · 01/11/2009 18:54

Hi NanaNina - nice to hear from you; I am of course aware of your expertise from other threads. Yes, I am with an LA and I do understand that social services are overstretched and that matching will not happen overnight. I actually have no complaints about my own social worker, who has been unfailingly supportive and professional throughout the process, though I do think that sometimes the system tolerates a culture of discourtesy towards prospective adopters (which is often justified as, 'this service is for the children, not for you', but that doesn't to my mind excuse lack of courtesy, and doesn't explain how it is that some agencies seem to have the resources to advertise in CWW but not to even send a one line acknolwedgment to enquirers!).

But the point of my thread was not to criticise the system (I'll start another one for that!). It was just to see if there was anyone out there who is going through the same, because it is wearing. I found the conception boards an emotional lifesaver during the long years spent conceiving my first child, and it would be nice to find that kind of support again. (And the adoption uk boards don't do it for me, somehow.) hifi, it's really nice to hear your news. I always really enjoy reading the happy adoption threads on here.

Thanks, everyone.

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shivster1980 · 02/11/2009 20:00

Hi, I just wanted to send good vibes and happy thoughts during your wait.

I remember that time well and it was the worst bit for us of the whole process. If I had a pound for every helpful person who said "It will be worth the wait" I would be a very rich woman. However without wishing to appear smug (as I truly empathise) it was well worth our wait.

Kayran · 02/11/2009 20:16

We are on the opposite side of the coin. Our two foster daughters are waiting to be matched And they have been for over a year We too know what it is like to feel all excited about a couple expressing interest in 'our' girls and then the next time we see SW she says 'oh no that's not going to be taken forward - ARGH!! I hope you find the perfect child/ren for you...

flower7 · 03/11/2009 22:11

Hi, yes me! We are waiting for a match (approved March) and it is seriously awful, I am so fed up with this limbo life, everything on hold waiting for a child. So I certainly know how you feel. I also have a very long waited for birth child who at least helps us take our mind off adoption for some of the time! Would be very happy to chat/moan/compare stories with you.

Original poster
hester · 04/11/2009 21:57

Hi flower! Nice to know I'm not alone. How old is your birth child? How has the wait been for you - lots of roller-coastering between possible children, or just a long, long silence? Does your sw keep in touch, or have you just been left in limbo?

Sorry, so many questions!

shivster, thanks so much for your good vibes - it's lovely to hear from someone with a happy outcome.

And Kayran - oh, your poor little girls. If I was approved for two, I'd be straight over!

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Purplepillow · 04/11/2009 22:04

HI Hester, I too am waiting to be matched.

Have been aproved now for about 2 yrs and still waiting but for my sins I have to wait until at least march2010 til I have stopped smoking for a year

I started the process when dd was nearly 6 and she is coming 10 now

So many children desperate for a happy loving home and so many people wanting to give it but the red tape always gets in the way.

Hope it happens for you soon xx

Original poster
hester · 04/11/2009 23:19

Two years?? Purplepillow, you must have incredible patience and endurance. Would you mind me asking if you could explain a bit more about the smoking thing? Why did they ask you to give up smoking after you were approved?

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Purplepillow · 05/11/2009 09:04

Hi Hester, basically the legistration in my LA changed and no children under 5 will now be placed with smoking parents.

Some LA's have said 6mnths after stopping smoking children can be placed but my LA has decided on a YEAR.

Sometimes I feel like giving it all up, because the bar keeps being raised iykwim but then I think about the poor child waiting to be placed in my family and it gives me the strength to carry on, also my dd is sooo desperate to be a big sister

Kewcumber · 05/11/2009 13:07

that seems so unfair - I don't understand why there isn't a central policy on thigns like this so people know where they stand.

marriedtoagoodun · 05/11/2009 13:59

This throwing around of a 'year' here and there is tragic. Our girls are 5 and 4 and are now both in school. A year ago they were (obviously) 3 and 4 year old pre-schoolers. I cannot help but feel they would have bonded far more easily a year ago and yet the SW doesn't seem to have the same urgency. They are very gorgeous too

marriedtoagoodun · 05/11/2009 13:59

Oh its me Kayran... I name changed

Kewcumber · 05/11/2009 14:01

I think the statistics of pre and post school age children being adopted (ie sucess rates) are dramatically different so such a shame it doesn;t happen earlier when it could.

Original poster
hester · 05/11/2009 21:26

It must be really hard to understand why they haven't been snapped up, kayran . Do your girls know they will be adopted? How do they feel about this wait?

Purplepillow, that is so very frustrating for you.

Well, yesterday I spotted another little one perfect for us, and contacted the sw. At least I know better than to expect a response now! And at least we have a very kind and committed social worker. I don't mind (well, I do, but it doesn't feel so bad) when she reports back that a child has been matched with a better family - at least then I can feel happy for the child. But it is hard seeing a child crop up month after month in Children Who Wait, when you've expressed interest in them and never heard back...

I'm torn at the moment between using this waiting time to read up as much as I can on adoption issues, and thinking I need to put it at the back of my mind and not think about it all the time. Any advice on that? Any recommendations of good books to read to prepare me for parenting an adopted 1 year old?

OP posts:
flower7 · 07/11/2009 17:27

Hi again

I am sorry you have been waiting 2 years purplepillow, I'm not sure I could wait for that long, at the moment a wait of 1 year seems about tops before "moving on". It is so frustraing because SServices spend a lot of money on getting us all approved. My BS is 7, was 4 when we started and it's hard for children who are also waiting for their new sibling. How long have you been approved hester?

It is very frustrating to hear of your 2 little girls marriedtoagoodun, we would love to have them! (altho' as we are only approved for single child that would not happen).

I know what you mean hester about trying to get a response from the magazines. We tried for a little girl recently but heard zilch back. At least she only appeared in a couple of months mags. She has gone now so should think she has been matched. It is good that your own SW is so supportive. Hope something comes of this one.

I am reading quite a good book at the moment - Real Parents, Real Children by Holly van Gulden/Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb. If you're in Adoption UK they have a lending library but I have not tried to borrow any books yet. I haven't read any books for months though as agree that reading does make you focus on it more and when nothing is happening it adds to the frustration! But my SW is certainly keen for us to read as much as we can.

Purplepillow · 13/11/2009 21:53

sorry not been about much.

It really is hard, waiting, but I am like you flower7, Ss have footed the bill to get me approved (you would think that in itself would encourage them to match a child with us) and as a single parent it is so much harder on my dd, who is like a wee mother hen when it comes to younger children, every time my sw comes she thinks he is going to tell her she has a little sister

Well I suppose if it is meant to be it will happen one day [hopefull]

flower7 · 19/02/2010 21:43

Hi, just to let you know we were matched in November and our daughter moved in this week. So far it has been worth the wait, so hang in there!

Original poster
hester · 19/02/2010 22:01

Oh great news! Many congratulations and best of luck!

OP posts:
maryz · 20/02/2010 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurplePillow · 12/05/2010 22:48

Hi, just found this thread again.

How are things going flower7? Hope things are going well.

I just found out today that our case has just been back to panel yesterday and we are now aproved for ages birth to 5 yrs old

DD cried, she is so excited

I am slightly nervous excited though as it is normally matching panels that meet on tuesdays in our la and aproval panels on mondays, so may get a visit in the next few weeks with news (trying to not get too excited)

Seems like we have been waiting forever to get to this point but hopefully......