You're littledreamylady's step mum aren't you?

[dreamylady]

For the third time in a few months I've been asked this question.

(In brief, DD's Mum died when DD was 8 months old and I have been her dads DP for 2 years now - she is now 4 and has called me Mummy for nearly a year)

I handle it fairly OK when DD not in earshot - actually I probably don't but it doesn't matter as much! - but I've twice been asked it by children (6 year old girls - prob fascinated by portrayal of evil stepmums in fairytales and wondering what i have in store for DD ) and both times right in front of her. She has been having some attachment issues the last 6 or 7 months and seems to be coming out the other side of it but I'm worried what effect these assumptions / my response will have. Because I always feel uncomfortable at asserting myself as her Mum and the stress of making sure i get it right - especially as in both cases her first Mum was known to the children in question and their families.I don't want DD to pick up on this and think i feel uncertain about our relationship - I am committed to her and my only uncertainty is probably my 'status'or role in everyone else's eyes.

As I've posted previously, I actually get quite prickly if an adult refers to me in this way-in my mind step parents are for when you have another mum or dad somewhere. If you join a family where one or the other is missing, and the child is young enough, surely you take on that role, should they want it?

Any suggestions for dealing with this without getting emotional? I explain that I am DD's Mummy now, and that step mums are for when you have another mummy somewhere. I suppose not everyone will agree with that but that's how i see it. Maybe i should let her answer herself? But not sure she's ready for that.

Thanks kewcumber - in future maybe I will just keep it to a simple 'I'm her Mummy' or if I'm feeling confident/calm enough, ask her what she thinks a mummy is and go from there.

Her first Mummy has always been a part of her life and I see it as a big part of my 'job' to keep as much of that memory alive as I can. She was in fact a very close friend of mine and so its been hard at times to step into her role without completely taking her place IYSWIM. We often talk about her, or just mention her in passing so that DD is never afraid to ask questions. We have boxes full of her stuff and loads of photos and I plan to gather some stories from her friends and family to share with DD as she gets older.

Thanks so much MNers for your warm words and sharing your similar experiences, it gives me hope for our futures together (apologies for getting mushy but it makes me feel that way )

Pitchounette I think adoption would help a bit - we've talked about this, more for practical reasons like dealing with legal situations / if something happens to DP etc. but got stuck on sorting our wills out first! I'm sure we'll get there in the end. DP is a bit nervous about it though, which I can totally understand.

Through probs linked to starting normal menstration I never thought I'd have DCs naturally, and always imagined that I'd adopt, and that in doing so that child would be mine and I would be his/hers. I do now have a DD (natural preg) and like many other posters here, if something happened to me I would rather DD had someone who would want to be hers and for whom she could belong in the Mum and child way. No disrespect to men meant, many single Dads I'm sure do well, but I do think young children benefit from female support if available, particularly from being able to say 'Mum' and the loving bond being reciprocated.

Surely adoption would help a lot, not a bit? It would legally mean that you were her Mum, which you know by nature, but it would show others that you have this bond for life. Anyhow, if it's too early for this, it still sounds like all is going well in your family.

Your DD may well be having normal 'phases' all DCs have, mine has had separation anxiety at periods with no reason other than that's how she felt at that time (was ok being left at creche for while and now at 3.5 has started to cry again - I think developmental phase and just try to reassure and talk to her about it when we're together).

My aunt died when I was young, leaving a three year old daughter. A year later my uncle married again, and then my new lovely aunt looked after my cousin (and her new baby brother very shortly after). Although her mother was my father's sister we always referred to her new mum as our aunt, and she was always called Mum by all of her children, including my cousin. Of course we knew that technically they were not related to us, but it seemed quite irrelevant really, and we were very close as children. When my uncle died many many years later I remember my big sister being really upset when my aunt referred to us as being "friends" instead of relations. It's just not the way we saw it. My (original) aunt was still spoken about a lot (she was a quite a strong character) and my cousin had a double set of relations, but I think we just thought that's how it was.

So maybe you just need to give it some more time? Perhaps having a good stock answer would help too, so you don't feel wrong footed. Something that reflects how sad that your dd's mum died but how happy you are to have her as your dd? Maybe something along the lines of "I/we all miss x very much, but I'm blessed to have dd as a daughter"? That way you are not saying that you are not her step mother, which technically you are, but you are saying that you love her and that being her mother is a positive thing?

Difficult situation. It must be VERY hard for people who knew DSD's Mother to call you Mummy. Gosh I would struggle if one of my friends dies to call another women their Mother

Your not actually married to her Dad so personally I wouldn't expect people to call you her Mummy yet. It's a difficult situation and really important not to forget that she did have a Mummy, who didn't ditch her, but died

scatty I'd prefer you didn't use the phrase "ditch". Very few birth parents leave their child like rubbish without a second thought and move on happily with a new life.

Not only are there women on this site who were adopted who would feel very offended by that wording but also I know women who post on here and have relinquished a child for adoption who still think of their birth childrne and often wish things could have been different.

Gosh, what a tricky situation. But ultimately it sounds like dd sees you as her Mummy, so you are Mummy. But clearly very difficult for people who actually knew her Mum.

I accept it is a tricky situation but what her friends think is, in the grand scheme of things, less important than what your DD feels.

As I said earlier I think you should take your lead from her. I think (if she is 6) she is old enough for you to have a conversation about it and ask if it bothers her and whether you would like to tell them to call you her "mummy".

She may not be that concerned about it, in which case I think you can just ignore it.

Sorry Kewcumber I didn't mean 'ditch' in relation to adoption, just in relation to people who don't have interest in their children ie: I have friends with DC's and when they got divorced their ex's just decided to 'start over' and decided not to be apart of their lives anymore, pay maintence or anything.

In this situation the Mother died, she never decided to give up any of her rights to being a Mother, she didn't walk out on her or ask anyone to be her parent. I think it must be very hard for people around them to see the daughter calling another women Mummy before they are even married so personally, asking a few questions really shouldn't be taken so badly.

thats OK scatty - I take offence very easily (but am always appreciative of an apology!)