You're littledreamylady's step mum aren't you?

[dreamylady]

For the third time in a few months I've been asked this question.

(In brief, DD's Mum died when DD was 8 months old and I have been her dads DP for 2 years now - she is now 4 and has called me Mummy for nearly a year)

I handle it fairly OK when DD not in earshot - actually I probably don't but it doesn't matter as much! - but I've twice been asked it by children (6 year old girls - prob fascinated by portrayal of evil stepmums in fairytales and wondering what i have in store for DD ) and both times right in front of her. She has been having some attachment issues the last 6 or 7 months and seems to be coming out the other side of it but I'm worried what effect these assumptions / my response will have. Because I always feel uncomfortable at asserting myself as her Mum and the stress of making sure i get it right - especially as in both cases her first Mum was known to the children in question and their families.I don't want DD to pick up on this and think i feel uncertain about our relationship - I am committed to her and my only uncertainty is probably my 'status'or role in everyone else's eyes.

As I've posted previously, I actually get quite prickly if an adult refers to me in this way-in my mind step parents are for when you have another mum or dad somewhere. If you join a family where one or the other is missing, and the child is young enough, surely you take on that role, should they want it?

Any suggestions for dealing with this without getting emotional? I explain that I am DD's Mummy now, and that step mums are for when you have another mummy somewhere. I suppose not everyone will agree with that but that's how i see it. Maybe i should let her answer herself? But not sure she's ready for that.

[Kewcumber]

thats OK scatty - I take offence very easily (but am always appreciative of an apology!)

[scattykatty]

Sorry Kewcumber I didn't mean 'ditch' in relation to adoption, just in relation to people who don't have interest in their children ie: I have friends with DC's and when they got divorced their ex's just decided to 'start over' and decided not to be apart of their lives anymore, pay maintence or anything.

In this situation the Mother died, she never decided to give up any of her rights to being a Mother, she didn't walk out on her or ask anyone to be her parent. I think it must be very hard for people around them to see the daughter calling another women Mummy before they are even married so personally, asking a few questions really shouldn't be taken so badly.

[Kewcumber]

I accept it is a tricky situation but what her friends think is, in the grand scheme of things, less important than what your DD feels.

As I said earlier I think you should take your lead from her. I think (if she is 6) she is old enough for you to have a conversation about it and ask if it bothers her and whether you would like to tell them to call you her "mummy".

She may not be that concerned about it, in which case I think you can just ignore it.

[edam]

Gosh, what a tricky situation. But ultimately it sounds like dd sees you as her Mummy, so you are Mummy. But clearly very difficult for people who actually knew her Mum.

[Kewcumber]

scatty I'd prefer you didn't use the phrase "ditch". Very few birth parents leave their child like rubbish without a second thought and move on happily with a new life.

Not only are there women on this site who were adopted who would feel very offended by that wording but also I know women who post on here and have relinquished a child for adoption who still think of their birth childrne and often wish things could have been different.

[scattykatty]

Difficult situation. It must be VERY hard for people who knew DSD's Mother to call you Mummy. Gosh I would struggle if one of my friends dies to call another women their Mother

Your not actually married to her Dad so personally I wouldn't expect people to call you her Mummy yet. It's a difficult situation and really important not to forget that she did have a Mummy, who didn't ditch her, but died

[nooka]

My aunt died when I was young, leaving a three year old daughter. A year later my uncle married again, and then my new lovely aunt looked after my cousin (and her new baby brother very shortly after). Although her mother was my father's sister we always referred to her new mum as our aunt, and she was always called Mum by all of her children, including my cousin. Of course we knew that technically they were not related to us, but it seemed quite irrelevant really, and we were very close as children. When my uncle died many many years later I remember my big sister being really upset when my aunt referred to us as being "friends" instead of relations. It's just not the way we saw it. My (original) aunt was still spoken about a lot (she was a quite a strong character) and my cousin had a double set of relations, but I think we just thought that's how it was.

So maybe you just need to give it some more time? Perhaps having a good stock answer would help too, so you don't feel wrong footed. Something that reflects how sad that your dd's mum died but how happy you are to have her as your dd? Maybe something along the lines of "I/we all miss x very much, but I'm blessed to have dd as a daughter"? That way you are not saying that you are not her step mother, which technically you are, but you are saying that you love her and that being her mother is a positive thing?

[lilacpink]

Through probs linked to starting normal menstration I never thought I'd have DCs naturally, and always imagined that I'd adopt, and that in doing so that child would be mine and I would be his/hers. I do now have a DD (natural preg) and like many other posters here, if something happened to me I would rather DD had someone who would want to be hers and for whom she could belong in the Mum and child way. No disrespect to men meant, many single Dads I'm sure do well, but I do think young children benefit from female support if available, particularly from being able to say 'Mum' and the loving bond being reciprocated.

Surely adoption would help a lot, not a bit? It would legally mean that you were her Mum, which you know by nature, but it would show others that you have this bond for life. Anyhow, if it's too early for this, it still sounds like all is going well in your family.

Your DD may well be having normal 'phases' all DCs have, mine has had separation anxiety at periods with no reason other than that's how she felt at that time (was ok being left at creche for while and now at 3.5 has started to cry again - I think developmental phase and just try to reassure and talk to her about it when we're together).

[dreamylady]

Thanks kewcumber - in future maybe I will just keep it to a simple 'I'm her Mummy' or if I'm feeling confident/calm enough, ask her what she thinks a mummy is and go from there.

Her first Mummy has always been a part of her life and I see it as a big part of my 'job' to keep as much of that memory alive as I can. She was in fact a very close friend of mine and so its been hard at times to step into her role without completely taking her place IYSWIM. We often talk about her, or just mention her in passing so that DD is never afraid to ask questions. We have boxes full of her stuff and loads of photos and I plan to gather some stories from her friends and family to share with DD as she gets older.

Thanks so much MNers for your warm words and sharing your similar experiences, it gives me hope for our futures together (apologies for getting mushy but it makes me feel that way )

Pitchounette I think adoption would help a bit - we've talked about this, more for practical reasons like dealing with legal situations / if something happens to DP etc. but got stuck on sorting our wills out first! I'm sure we'll get there in the end. DP is a bit nervous about it though, which I can totally understand.

[chegirl]

I have seen other posts by the OP MadamC and that certainly does not seem to be the case.

I do not get the feeling that she is trying to ignore her DD's birth mother at all.

I can understand your feelings but I think this OP needs to be seen in a wider context.

Being called Mummy, rather than Stepmum is not enough to wipe the child's birth mother from memory.

As an adoptive mum I am very aware of the importance of including my DS's birth mother in his life history. That does not extend to him being expected to call me Great Auntie, even if that a biological truth.

Of course it is a sensitive issue but I think each family needs to work it out for themselves, looking at the best interests and needs of the child.

[MadameCastafiore]

I explain that I am DD's Mummy now, and that step mums are for when you have another mummy somewhere!

She may be dead but she should still be included in that child's life, spoken about and it be normal to do so in day to day conversation.

I am so cross because the OP really makes it sound as though the birth mother is no longer a part of this little girls life. So by all means let her call you mummy and call yourself mummy but understand and be accepting of the fact that there is another woman in this relationship and the very worse thing you can do is sweep her under the carpet so as to not offend your sensibilities.

[Kewcumber]

but MadameC - what about respecting the childs wishes - who wants you to be referred to as mummy? Do they not count?

ANd for the record - few borth parent "choose" not to parent their children even ones who relinquish their child for adoption. Circumstances make it impossible.

[GColdtimer]

Its a tricky one MadameCastafiore and perhaps very personal to the families invovled. In my friend's case, she got upset when people referred to her "step" mum as such because she had always seen her as her Mum, despite loving and missing and grieving and respecting her first Mum.

[MadameCastafiore]

No Kewcumber I am not projecting anything - if you start a relationship with a man and their previous spouse/partner has died and you take on their children that is brilliant but you have to understand and respect the fact that the child/children had another mummy who was sadly taken away and so to get cross/upset when others call you their stepmum is disrespectful to the woman that gave birth to them and didn't have a choice in not bringing them up.

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[Kewcumber]

madameC - I adopted DS at 11 months - should I for th erest of my life call myself his "adoptive" mummy and him my "adopted" son?

Whether you gave birth to a child or not is not the issue (IMVHO) but how you both feel about the relationship. Why shouldn't her DD want another Mummy?

You may not have felt this way about your step mother for some reason that doesn;t mean everyone feels the same way.

I don;t think you can on the basis of a few lines of text claim the OP is being disrespectful - I think you are projecting your own circumstances onto her.

[GColdtimer]

In stark constrast to how MadameCastafiore feels, my friend also lost her mum at aged 2. Her Dad remarried and she also referred to her stepmum as her Mum. Whilst she alwasy knew she had another Mum and marked her birthday and anniversary, keeps a photo of her by her bed, etc, her step mum was the person who brought her up and has played the role of "mum".

Her stepmum died recently and she has been so upset by some people saying to her "well, she was only your stepmum, how are X and X (her "step" sisters) taking it."

She is so hurt and angry by that, as if her feelings are not as important. Her (step) mum always referred to herself as my friend's mum.

I am not sure that helps you at all but I just wanted to share it. With regard to your DD, she knows she has a mummy in heaven (or wherever you say she is) and as long as you are always sensitive tothat, whilst being her "Mum", then I am not sure what you can do about what other people say. In time, people will probably drop the "step" mum tag.

[MadameCastafiore]

My mum died when I was 11 months old - the woman my father married was my step mum.

You are her stepmum - you did not give birth to her - you have to get over that because to me you are, by getting shirty about this, not showing much respect for the woman who gave birth to her and loved her and sadly died.

God this is actaually making me feel very very angry.

[Romanarama]

I agree with Kew. She deserves a mummy. If I die I hope dh will find some one else who can be a real mummy for my boys. She has had 2 mummies one after the other, you are not cancelling her first mummy out.

[Kewcumber]

my response would depend on what your DD feels. If (I htink you said) she wants you to be her mummy then you smile and "say yes I'm her mummy". You don't need to contradict that you are her step parent (though personally I also consider a step parent to be one where the birth parent is still aorund), you just need to reinforce the Mummy.

What ever other people feel (and I can understand the feeling that chocolate tepot has of being disloyal to her friend) the important thing is for your DD to see you making a statement publically that you are her mummy.

Everyone deserves a mummy rather than a step-mother.

If anything happened to me I hope DS could find someone to love him and want to be his mummy.

[dreamylady]

chocolateteapot I bet your friends childrens' new mum doesn't notice - i've been thinking about how DDs first mum's family and friends refer to me around her and I can't think of many examples, though we see them regularly. So maybe they struggle too but I'm just oblivious! So don't worry about it and don't force it if it's going to sound awkward. Just say "this is ..." if you have to and let her/they fill the gaps.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

If you get married and adopt her she will be your daughter in the eyes of the law and you will be her mum.

Just concentrate on being her mum and stop bothering what people say.

If you are not married to her dad you are not her step mum so you can say no, you are not her step mum, you are her new mum.

[dreamylady]

Thanks for your message bythesea. Wow 2 young boys, that must have been quite a challenge!! It really helps to hear from people who can really identify with my situation. There's a world of support out there for adoptive parents but I haven't really found anything for people in our situation. I will look into therapeutic parenting and see if its for us. She seems OK at the moment though she has a few 'quirks' which hopefully won't develop into anything else, but I'd just like to know what to look out for IYSWIM.

I was thinking about my reaction again last night and I wondered if it might be that 'step parenthood' is defined by a persons relationship to the biological parent, (as port and lemon said, ...married to the childs biological parent... ) and not the relationship to the child themself. my relationship to DD is of course closely bound to my relationship to DP, but it no longer depends on it or should be defined by it. I will always be her Mum now and it's not dependant on DP's and my relationship.

It might just be semantics but semantics do matter. Thats the basis of NLP and all that stuff isn't it?

[ByTheSea]

I call my stepsons my sons as well. I have been raising them since they were very small (1 and 2) and am the only mother they know. While their birth mother is still alive, she has never shown any interest in them at all. They know I'm their stepmum, but they also know I'm their real mum, if that makes any sense. Both boys have some attachment problems (one quite severely), and I only wish I had known about it when they were little. I highly recommend therapeutic parenting with your DD as she is so young chances are you can make a really positive difference in her life.

I can totally sympathise with your position and understand what an adjustment it can be. You seem terrific and I wish you all the best.

[PortAndLemon]

Again I think you may be overthinking it. You can be your DD's Mummy and her stepmum at the same time; from her point of view there's no contradiction there. You are her Mummy; you're her whole idea and model of what a Mummy is. That's not going to be changed by the fact that you are also her stepmum. And as Chocolateteapot says, over time people will mention it less and less anyway.