My feed

to access all these features

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.


Letter box contact, what would you do with no response back.

12 replies

april74 · 08/07/2009 09:51

I sent a lovely letter to dd's birth mum and another to dd's half sister in March, as per letterbox agreement.

They were supposed to write back in April, never receive anything from them, I think this is really sad because from the life story book I have, and later life letter, its going to be very hard for DD to read as its a very sad story, showing birth parents to be (well lets say not very nice people) although there were tones in the story of wanting to keep both the children, but due to what happened with half sister they were not allowed to keep dd.

I had hoped for a letter to try and have something positive to say about them, and feel very sad on dd's behalf that it has not come.

I am supposed to write till dd is 16, but thats another 14 years and 14 letters, my head tells me to not bother if they cant be bothered, but my heart tells me to write at least 1 more.

Comments/advice appreciated please.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 08/07/2009 09:55

personally I think I'd write all 14 of them even if there is never a peep out of them. I'm sure it will be hard to explain to your DD why they don't respond but better, I would have thought, for her to see you persevering than to see neither side being very bothered.

april74 · 08/07/2009 09:57

Good comment Kew, how is your little boy?

I did make copies of the letters I sent to show Dd in a few years.

OP posts:
HuffwardlyRudge · 08/07/2009 09:58

My gut feeling is that you should write and send them. A lot can change in 14 years, and maybe at some point one or both of them will respond, and it will have been because you kept the channels of communication open.

Also, keep copies of the letters you send so your dd can read them one day.

april74 · 08/07/2009 10:54

good point hwr. thanks

OP posts:
hifi · 08/07/2009 11:20

i would keep it up,at least you are keeping your sideof the deal. we never have a reply but i do keepn copies of the ones i send to show dd later. its also a good record of how they are developing year to year.
we are just going for our second child and the ss have commented its good we have kept up on letterbox.

blithedance · 08/07/2009 19:20

We are lucky enough we always get a response from the BP's (heavily supported by SS I think) but never anything from half-sibs. I do think it's important to keep the lines of communication open as others have said, in those years to come I think all parties will appreciate it.

It's easier for you to write a letter, you have only happy news to share, whereas the BF have rejection, problems and pain to deal with, it may be very hard for them to write.

audley · 10/07/2009 21:12

Hi, just wanted to agree with blithedance. I'm a birth mother and although I have always written in accordance with the letterbox contract I have found it exremely hard. I have had lots of support and a very positive experience of the adoption process but I have always felt like my news is uninteresting in the most part because all I have wanted is to hear how my birth daughter is and to ask all sorts of questions that I wasn't allowed to ask. My letters always felt rather fake to me because I couldn't say what I felt. I agree with the restrictions to keeping letters "newsy" and have no complaints. But it is hard always being restrained and proper when I just wanted to say I missed her and to discover what she was like rather than what she had been doing. For many years I lived from letter to letter until I eventually sorted myself out and then had more to fill my life. What I did find helpful was answering questions that her parents wrote in their letters to me rather than having to guess what they wanted to know about. Hope this is helpful to you in some way

Grammaticus · 10/07/2009 21:21

What Kew says.

Write them all. Then you've nothing to reproach yourself with. If the birth mum didn't have problems, her children wouldn't have been adopted would they.

It is sad, you're right, but I think you must do it.

bran · 10/07/2009 21:25

Just keep going IMO. We never get any response to DS's letterbox contact, in fact we're not even sure that they are receiving the letters but I think it's important that he knows in the future that we tried. Plus, if your DD's birth family ever do want to write it will be easier for them if you have kept up your end of the deal.

daisysue2 · 16/07/2009 15:47

We never get response from letterbox contact I think it is quite common as the BPs try and get on with their life. We feel it's important to write the letters to show my 2dds that we have always tried to keep the BPs informed. They may be cherishing these letters but we just don't know. Have had one response from 1st DDs birthfather saying that he doesn't live at address anymore and they don't have a new one for him. I even sent a letter asking for any information on where he might have moved and it was just sent back with same reply. So we have stopped sending letters to him. Don't take it personally.

PheasantPlucker · 20/07/2009 20:47

We never get letterbox contact from dd's birth mother, but I will continue to send letters twice yearly, and will encourage dd to start to contribute to them as soon as she can. I feel we are keeping our side of the arrangement, and maybe one day dd's birth mother will feel able/will want to write to her.

We send letters via the SS.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 20/07/2009 20:49

I would write all the letters you are meant too, and keep copies, as your dd can see that her Mum did care and did try for her and she is with her real parents.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.