are we "good enough" - how do you feel under the scrutiny?

[BarbieLovesKen]

Hi all,

Firstly, can I just say a huge thanks to everyone who has posted their experiences with adoption ? it has been such a huge help to the likes of myself, who is literally starting out and I really appreciate it xx

We are very new to the adoption process, we?ve literally contacted the HSE (Ireland) this week with a view to attend an information meeting and get the ball rolling.

I have been reading everything I can get my hands on at the minute and trawling through the net for info. Obviously the process is going to be difficult and lengthy but I have no doubt will be worth every second.

While learning as much as we can about the process and the scrutiny myself and DH will be placed under has got me completely analysing our lifestyle/ the type of people we are/ what we can offer a child/ will we be approved???

I suppose I have never been in a position before to try and look at us, as a couple, from an outsider?s perspective and deem us ?good enough?.

The child?s interests are paramount in my thinking but I firmly believe we have a lot to offer, that a child would benefit from being placed with us, as would we!! I suppose anyone undergoing the adoption process believes the same.

I?m now starting to worry if we?d be approved or not ? I have always thought of us as a very ?normal? (whatever that is?!) couple ? nothing exceptional ? nothing overly exciting ? just content and happy.

I?ve been reading a book ?what to expect when you?re adopting? and cant believe the extent of scrutiny we will be placed under ? I?m not saying that I disagree with it though, I do agree and can completely understand the importance of adequate screening of prospective parents to ensure the child is matched appropriately but I suppose I just didn?t understand how extensive it would be prior to researching the process properly!!.

I?m actually beginning to doubt myself, and our abilities and am asking myself ?ARE we good enough???, has anyone else felt this way?

The book explains how you?re relationships are (with each other if two adopting and with others ? family members, friends etc?), your alcohol intake, temperament, etc.. things I had expected, then it gets into the nitty grittys of how a child may not be placed with you if you have a dog (I?ve two), if you smoke, your own childhood?. I could go on and on?

Now I?m worrying about things. We?re a young couple i.e. I?ll be 24 this year and DH will be 26 (are we too young?),
we?ve been married for just one year in August, although together approx 7 years (we should be married longer for many countries?),

We both work (Health Service and Defence Forces) (better if one is at home full time?), have one biological dd who will be 4 this year (some countries prefer you not to have any bio children?),

we are not overly wealthy ? have a nice sized mortgage and because of recent emergency budget, because we are BOTH public servants were absolutely screwed! I.e. down over ?600 per month compared to a month ago, have a few loans too but we manage (and could, in our opinion definitely afford another child but would we ?pass? when comes down to finances)

We have two dogs (?,) (St. Bernard and a mongreal)

DH is overweight (child may not be placed with you if overweight?)

I smoke (no child under 5 will be placed with you) but would give them up in an instant if this was an issue,

I have no contact with my dad or his family and have never done (couldn?t do a family tree ? issues with relationships??), my (full) brother was put up for adoption by my parents (I feel that you have to have had the ?perfect? childhood from what I?ve read)

I don?t get on with DH?s mother (this shows poor relationship skills?)

And the clincher.. DH (stupidly!!! Grrr!) made an idiotic move and drove one night after drinking (it?s a long, long story) two years ago, he got caught, convicted and lost his license for 2 years. He had never done it before and believe me will never do it again but now he has a record..

Oh I could go on and on?.

On a positive note, we?re young, healthy, have what I suppose seems to be considered around here as ?good jobs?, have a beautiful 4 bedroom house (that we built) out in the middle of the country with a MASSIVE garden, have one very happy, secured and loved little girl, have an extremely close nit family unit with my (mothers side) family ? aunts, uncles, grannies ? all very involved in dd?s life, are a very happy couple in general ? yes we have our ups and downs ? there are times we could kill each other but nothing out of the ordinary ? usually over who forgot to put the dishwasher on (?,) ? we?ve never separated and think we could prove we?ve been through the mould together over the years.

I?m sorry this has been so long and thanks a million for reading it, I know there?s probably a million questions built into it but basically has anyone else felt uncertain about themselves ? is it natural to shake your confidence/ over analyse a little?

hi, sorry this will be a short post in reposnse to your long one but i have small kids about

yes its totally normal to have doubts about yourelsves, no one is perfect and most of us have complicated lives / pasts

and yes the process is very very intrusive

whether any of the things you mention woudl bar you from adopting depends on a number of things, mostly the country you wish to adopt from and the age and " type" of child you wish to adopt.

have you had any thought about this?

eg in the Uk a "old" drink driving ban woudl not automatically bar you from adopting, but i think it might in China ( you woudl need to check)and i dont know the rules in Ireland

eg smoking and obesity woudl probably bar you from adopting a child under 5 in the Uk but you cant adopt a child older than 5 as your bio child is only 4. will the Irish authorities approve you to adopt out of birth order?

forgive me for asking, but you haven't mentioned WHY you wish to adopt?

Hi Kristina,

Thanks a million for your reply and advise.

We have thought at length about the "type" an age we wish to adopt - Ideally we would love to adopt a child aged 0-4 and don't care about gender etc - we want to leave this to fate, as we would if I were pregnant.

Regarding the smoking and obesity, I'm not overly worried as I would immediately quit and DH is currently trying to loose the weight (hes not MASSIVE, hes 6ft 3inches and about 17.5 stone), we'll never have another incentive like this to sort ourselves out and we want this so badly I dont see any problem.

We want to adopt because we know we desperately want more children. We are unbeliveably blessed and fortunate to not have any fertility issues but the way we feel is - we want another child - whether we concieve this child or adopt makes no difference to us - he/ she will be our child, we basically feel rather than give birth to another baby why not try to add to our family by adopting and giving a child whos prospects may be bleak a very loving home and family and a brighter future.

Adoption is something we have always spoke about, something that we both wanted. We havent made the decision lightly, we are aware how difficult its going to be but we know it'll all be worth it.

Dont know if I explained that very well, do you know what I mean?

I would quit the cigarettes now as it shows you are serious, you will feel better for it and also have a bit more money. Equally hubby could try to get fitter too.

hi barbie. people usually use adoption as a last resort, there are hundreds of people out there waiting for children."perfect" children are hard to come by.
the process is very difficult and unless you are 100% committed you wont make it through.
in your circumstances i would have thought you would have to accept a child with some special needs. the ss like the child to be the youngest in the family. after meeting lots of adopter's who have taken children on 3 and upwards be ready for a very bumpy ride.

by offering a home to a child who's prospects are bleak usually means that no one else is ready to take them on. very young children without many problems are like gold dust and in your circumstances, with a birth child, i don't think you would be very near the top of the list. good luck.

Hi Barbie. You will be restricted because your DD is only 4. Many agencies prefer the adopted child to be the youngest by at least 2 years. This means you would have to be approved for a child 0-2 (or thereabouts as the process is long).

Most children do not get freed for adoption until they are around 2 years old. There are babies waiting for adoption but very few. IF you are considered to be the best family for the child (rather than the child being the best for you if you see what I mean) you will be put forward for a match regardless if there are childless couples waiting.

I would say go for it. You will begin to get an idea if this isnt right for you within the first few weeks of the process. It IS very intrusive and time consuming and frustrating.

You can only try and see what happens hey?

Good luck.

hi barbie

as i understand it, you want to adopt for altruistic reasons, is that right? you are able to have another bio child but you are choosing to adopt as you wish to give a home to a needy child

this is what i take you to mean when you said

"why not try to add to our family by adopting and giving a child whos prospects may be bleak a very loving home and family and a brighter future."

if that is the case, then you must realise that there are many MANY families out there waiting to adopt a healthy child aged 0-4 years. such children do not have bleak prospects and they are certainly not unwanted.

as hifi says, if you wish to adopt a child with "bleak prospects" then you should seek to be approved to adopt a school aged child with special needs. there are many of them waiting for loving homes.

alternatively you could adopt a younger child with special needs from overseas. for example, there are quite young children with physical disabilities such as cleft palate or talipes which can be fairly easily corrected here.

obviously you woudl need the financial resources to do this.you would also need to be able to afford for one of you to be a SAHP for several years

in the uk you cannot adopt out of birth order - i do not know the rules in Ireland. here you would need to wait until your bio child was much older.

i am sorry to rain on your parade. but assessing prospective adopters is a costly business for agencies and they you wont even get past the first hurdle if you haven't thought through some of this.

i agree with the poster who said that you should quit smoking now.an agency wont accept your promise to quit some time in the future. ditto your DH's weight

you also need to be ready for some hard questions re your DH's drinking

sorry i cant be more positive

here is more information about the adoption board

Totally agree (as I usually do) with everything KristinaM says above.

But best of luck with if you do decide to commit to this and try to move ahead with the adoption process.