Contacting birth mother - how crazy are these options????

[HarrietTheSpy]

Hi there. I would be so grateful for some practical advice.

After an extended period of researching into my birth family, I've reached a point where...there's nothing left to do but contact them or drop it!

The charity which originally organised the adoption has suggested emailing my birth mother. I don't have an email address - I could potentially get one but it would require a bit of deception to do that. Then how do I explain it? It feels a bit like going through her bins. The are numerous references to her address on the internet which wouldn't be at all hard to find.

My first reaction to the email was - you've got to be kidding? But now I'm not so sure...maybe there's a better chance only she would read it then a letter coming through the post???

A couple of years ago they sent about ten letters to various addresses in the US, one to someone I am now absolutely sure is her brother, but denied a connection in a return letter. One sent to her address went unanswered but she also lives in another part of the US for part of the year.

She is still married to the guy (not my father) she was dating when she was pregnant with me.

I really wonder whether he binned the letter when he saw what it was about?! He can't be thrilled to hear from me.

Registered post -getting her personally to sign for something - seems like something you'd do when you wanted to sue someone. Also, not exactly low profile. Imagine if she had a house full and some guy turned up at the door: "Mrs X ONLY please!"

So...not really sure what to do. I appreciate it's completely poss she just doesn't want to hear from me. But I also have no way of knowing if she actually received the letter and also from what I understand sometimes going via an intermediary is a bad idea.

Okay the very strangest thing I could do...is Facebook her children. Someone I consider otherwise sensible suggested this to me. Freakishly, one of her daughters shares my first name AND ALSO is married to an English guy. It's possible they live here.

Please don't flame me - can you see any sense in this at all? "I'm looking for X, I thought you might know her???"

Thought not. I guess it's going to have to be another letter...and if I don't hear anything I just don't.

Do have a phone number. WOuld imagine this is a bad idea too???

I think I would go through the email, depending on just who it is you'd have to deceive to get the address, and whether it's legal

I made contact with my birth mother by tracking down her brother on Friends Reunited, and emailing him (without saying who I was). I asked him whether he had a sister with her name, once he'd confirmed that he did, I told him who I was and apologised for landing myself on him, but asked if he thought she'd be interested in hearing from me.

So I guess my way of finding her wasn't exactly open and honest, but it worked out. Good luck, I hope you get the reaction you are hoping for.

Make sure you really, REALLY want to do this before you contact her.

My half sister turned up, turned our lives upside down as we'd never been told she existed before and my Mum had built my entire self esteem based on the fact that I was "special" because I was her "first" which it turned out I wasn't after all

She met us once, bringing her year old son with her and then announced that she didn't want to see us ever again!!

Silly cow caused a tonne of distress and then walked away leaving us to deal with the mess.

Never took into account how we might feel! She may have had a right to meet her Mum but she had no right to upset the rest of us.

If you are really, really, REALLY sure, contact her directly. Her kids may not know about you. Facebook-ing them is a very bad idea. She may want to meet you herself and not introduce you to them for a while. I know for sure I wish I had never had to met my selfish half sister.

I'd FB the others if I were you...

"hi, I'm looking for so-and-so, are you her X"

I definitely wouldn't facebook!

I would write a letter, say what you want to say, make it clear you want nothing from her (unless you do in which case leave that bit out) and enclose an SAE which you ask her to return so you know she has got and read your letter.

Sarah
I'm really sorry about what's happened to you and if it's any consolation, MOST adoptees agonise for years over whether to contact their birth family. Don't think I'm not sitting here now wondering whether I'm entitled to/have the right to/worried about whether I could destroy her family. It does upset me thinking about it and your post really brought that home. It's why it's taken me nearly ten years to do anything about it, once I found out her name.

There could be a lot of reasons why your half sister decided she didn't want any more contact - certainly ones I could name would be the case for me. If she'd got the vibe that she'd caused major upheaval and she was very unwelcome she might have thought it was better to back off. Her perception of the renunion/reaction from your family might be very different from yours. I don't mean to be confrontational and I do appreciate hearing your point of view.

NORKY
What did the uncle say? Had he known about you?

She said at the time that her adoptive mother would be upset if she had contact with us. She obviously hadn't thought this through before she contacted Mum!

We really tried to be welcoming which is why it was such a shock when she announced she didn't want to ever see us again. We were told to not even send birthdays cards for her DS. I did all my crying over it in private, I'm sure she never knew.

Please, contact her and no-one else. You don't know what her brothers, sisters, kids know, you could alienate her just by upsetting her current family otherwise.

Harriet - yes the uncle knew about me beforehand, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have contacted him if he hadn't done. I had my adoption file from the council who originally organised it - it stated that he was really supportive of her when she was having difficulties at home and deciding to give me away, so I knew it wouldn't be a huge shock to him that I existed.

I think his email when I'd revealed who I was said something like "Wow - wasn't expecting that! I've spoken to Jane (not her real name) and she's as amazed as I am, but really pleased you've made contact. I've given her your email address so expect something from her in the next day or so! Wow!".

I'd like to say to Sarah though - I'm certain that your half-sister had no intentions of coming along just to stir things up and "ruin your lives" (even if it feels that way). As it happens, I am no longer in touch with my birth mother - we communicated back and forth via email for a couple of months but as it came closer to the point where we were talking about meeting up, it became clear that she still very much thought of me as her daughter, and would phone me if she knew I wasn't in, just so she could listen to my voice on my answerphone (making up for lost time she said). This wasn't what I'd wanted from our relationship, so things broke down.

I am still in touch with the 2 of the 3 half brothers I found out I have though - one of them very regularly, which is fantastic . I don't know whether his mum knows that we talk though.

Norky I always got the impression that she just wanted to see us and see what she'd missed out on/avoided. I'm not sure she ever considered what turning up would do to our family.

I don't begrudge her meeting Mum, but she asked to meet us and as she already knew that she wouldn't be having a relationship with us because of her adoptive mothers feelings, I think that was selfish.

Mum shoud have said "No" but I think she felt like she owed her somehow and was eager to please.

She'd had no option over the adoption as she was forced by my Grandfather but as Mum was 16 and the father had run off I think she gave her the best chance in life that she could.

My Mother (now dead) had 2 DCs both adpoted before she met and married my Dad.

My half brother contacted us via the agency after her death, and it was all done at a sensible pace. I am never going to be his best buddy (we don't have a lot in common) but he lives near me and we see him on occasion.

BUT, my mother was mortified by what had happened. She could never tell us, even though my Dad thought she ought to and encouraged her. 6 weeks after she died he told us.

Now my point in relaying all this is that if the contact had gone to her brothers / sisters (who in the main didn't know), it would have been a terrible shock. I rather suspect she wouldn't have wanted the past to revisit her - but even if she had, she would not have wanted anyone to know about it. I am not saying this is right - just the way my mother was.

We rather suspect that contact was made by the other child earlier - she hit the bottle at the time and I don't know for sure.

Use Facebook for finding things out sure, but I wouldn't tell anyone the full story as these things should be handled properly, and you just don't kow what the consequences could be.

Good luck.

Norky I have dealt with two people at the agency and one of them (who has met both my birth mother, her current husband, AND my parents) suggested that her family all knew about it and were supportive. Her mother was at the birth. This may be a personal recollection as the lady who replaced her said there is no note of this in the files. So, I have no idea who knows at this point apart from her current husband. Her parents have both passed away.

The brother denied it, as I've said. I had thought about him as a possible intermediary as he is a priest in the Roman Catholic church in the city where they live. I thought - must be compassionate at any rate? Well, he appears to have lied outright (to a Catholic charity nonetheless). I realise this is naive - he probably just wants to protect her. And as I didn't see the letter there is always the chance that it was phrased in such as way he didn't know what they were on about. But this is clutching at straws.

I would have loved for soemone sympathetic of her generation to emerge in the way you describe your uncle did.

I have no experience of this, but on instinct, I would say that you should write directly to your birth mother, registered if necessary.

I can't imagine how your birth siblings might feel, getting a FB message of this nature. FB is far too 'casual' a medium for this sort of exchange, imo.

I also think it is a matter between you and your birth mother, at least initially, and that she should be given a chance to respond to you herself before you start going down any other avenues. I hope that doesn't sound harsh...? Good luck.

Mum of 2 boys...oh dear. I'm getting worried again. Your poor mum.

My sister in law is the friend of a friend of my half-sister's husband's brother. Got that? Another very freaky coincidence. He definitely lives in London.

I was hoping to be able to find out a bit about them through an indirect route, just to get a sense - I know this will be hard - of what they're like.

Find out by all means - I know my half brother checked me out on friends reunited (pre facebook days!). But suggest official channels / direct letter to her would be best.

Has anyone tried phoning first?

Hi Harriet,

I made contact with my birth mother when I was 18, having been determined to do so since my 14th birthday.

I would say that the best thing to do in your situation is to contact your birth mother directly, either by registered mail or by email. Don't involve other members of her family unless she wants to. By all means use Facebook to satisfy your curiosity as to what your half-siblings etc look like, but do not contact them.

I originally phoned my birth mother's mother, as I was given her contact details by social services and it was on file that she would be amenable to hearing from me in due course. However, I would not phone your birth mother directly. By writing (either snail mail or email) you are allowing her to retain the option not to have further contact with you, which is hard for you I know, but essential.

I hope this works out for you. x x

Thanks for your message MummyDragon.

It feels really indiscrete, the letter, because of the issue with where she is spending her time. Anyone could pick it up, open it, and read it. I think other people can sign for registered letters. And then it's an even bigger deal! I can imagine the reaction if she's not there: "Well, go ahead and open it, see what it is?!" Even if they can't if she's not there, they have to come back, there's this event unwinding. Do you see what I mean???

That said, I would prefer to communicate w/her in writing too initially as I don't know how I'd cope on the phone.

Could I ring and say: "Hi, it's [x, with some identifiers]. There's something I would like to discuss with you but maybe a letter is better initially. Is there an email or address where I can reach you?"

Why not contact NORCAP? It's an adoption charity. It costs a small amount to join but they provide intermediaries and advice. They have lots of experience of lots of different situations.

contacting Norcap is a good idea.

Personally I too would favour the route direct to your birth mother. I'm afraid I would also be a little blunt and ask her to acknowledge the letter/email even if only to tell you that she doesn't want contact so you can be sure that she got the letter/email. Tell her if she doesn't respond that you may have to assume that she didn't get the letter and keep trying!

I think some counselling in advance would be a good idea in case she doesn't want any contact.

Sarah - I'm not sure if you realise this but your post comes across as a trifle selfish when you accuse your half-sister of being selfish.

I think you obviously have no empathy for the difficult journey that many adopted children have through their life coming to terms with their adoption, the sense of abandonment, the lack of certainty about who you are and why you are not with your birth parents. Even children who are very happy with their parents can feel this way and the angst of the teenage years can last well into the twenties of adoptees.

Maybe your sister is selfish, maybe she hadn't thought through the affect on her mother, maybe she felt much more of outsider to your family than she'd expected even if she was welcomed, maybe she was overwhelmed by the welcome and alarmed by it, who knows. One thing I do know, given the choice of being in your shoes growing up with my birth family happily and safely or in hers, being adopted and having to process that (for whatever reason) my birth family wouldn't (or couldn't) keep me, I know what I'd choose.

Your half-sister didn't lie to you about you being the first born (though, as an aside, why that should make any child "special" escapes me - don't your siblings find that offensive?) - your mother did. Your issue is with her not your sister.

Sorry Sarah, I really should let this go but it really bothers me ...

Calling her a silly cow is so out of order - do you have any concept of how tough it must be to be desperate to meet your birth family to satisfy your curiosity, to know if you look like them or have similar skills/talents but to know that if you do you will hurt the mother who has raised you and whom you love? Do you have any idea how long she might have wrestled with that before making contact.

However little choice your mother had - she had more choice than your half-sister did. However clumsily she dealt with the situation, can you not empathise at all with her position?