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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

How to tell my DD was adopted?

8 replies

Akiko · 31/03/2009 15:14

I have adopted a baby as a single parent. She is 7 now. I never felt that the time was right to break the adoption story. I looked after two elderly sick parents for 6 years together with my child. They both passed away in a short period of time Dd was very close to them, the only loving grandparents she knew. I felt it was too cruel to speak about adoption while grieving and postponned. She think I am her birth mother and I am still not mentally strong to tell her the truth. She has been asking about her father. What I told her was, that I was not married, but wanted to have a child very much, so have asked the doctors to help.That is why we do not know who was the man that has helped. I adopted her from a country that have strict confidentiallity law, so B.mother's identity is not being disclosed, father unknown.
She is a happy child and we are both very very close together and loving. We could not love each other more even if we were related. I am so afraid that if I am not carefull with the adoption story, I might do more damage than good. Please give me advise.

OP posts:
seashellsandpebbles · 31/03/2009 15:26

I would get in touch with a specialist adoption agency for advice as this is something they would have a lot of knowledge about and could probably give suggestions as to books or other supporting material that you could use to help you explain it in a posistive way - or even put you in touch with other families.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more specific to add. Hopefully someone will be along soon with more experience. I'm sure you'll find a way that's right for both of you and that will make her feel special and loved.

ScottishThistle · 31/03/2009 15:26

I wish I could give advise but have no knowledge or experience.

I can however tell you that a very close friend of mine at school wasn't told she was adopted until she was 13yrs old which was very difficult. Now 36, has emigrated with her husband/children to be close to her biological parents/several brothers and sisters.

I would urge you to talk to your daughter sooner rather than later. Perhaps you could source a book which discusses adoption to make it easier for you?

Best of luck!

ScottishThistle · 31/03/2009 15:27

advice not advise

Acinonyx · 31/03/2009 21:11

The general advice is to tell your dc as early as possible. I was told as a simple version as a preschooler. I think there are some children's books around that help to tell this story - I can't remember any titles though.

You could contact your local social services adoption worker/team for advice as pp has said - they may have more specific advice. I think you chould not let this go too much longer as she will ask questions that require bigger and bigger lies in order not to tell her the truth and then the truth will become so much harder for both of you.

KHS · 31/03/2009 21:18

I know an adopted girl who has always had the concept of her 'tummy mummy' as opposed to her real mummy. It seems perfectly normal to her.

I think the sooner you introduce the idea the better your DD will cope long term. There are books on the subject I'm sure that you can read together to make the process easier-I'm sure an adoption agency will know some good ones and give you excellent advice step by step as well as hopefully help you deal with your own feelings surrounding this?

Maybe some counselling could help you through it? Sounds like you've had a tough time recently looking after your parents so do look after your own needs as well as your DDs.

ottomam · 11/05/2009 09:39

HI Akiko
This must be very difficult for you how to know when to broach the subject.
Maybe it would be possible not to make a big 'announcement' as such.
Perhaps the next time you see a very pregnant woman (even on telly)you could let it start a conversation how she wasn't in your tummy and let her ask her own questions from that stage.
My husband and I are just starting the adoption process and discuss it openly with our 5 year old. We bring the subject up lightly, very often and let him ask what he wants.
Also my husband found out only 4 years ago that he was adopted and found it very difficult to handle as a 30 year old adult. Our son accepts all this quite easily I think partly because it is talked about openly and happily.
I think at 7 it will be accepted more readily and as your daughter gets older she will feel more like it is something she has just always known.
I think as a previous poster said it would be good to seek advice and suport from an adoption agency.
You sound like you have wonderful and loving relationship with each other and that will keep you strong.
I hope it goes well and send you my best wishes.
xx

ottomam · 11/05/2009 09:43

Sorry

Just realised the original post was from a wee while ago. Hope I haven't brought up something again that you don't want to discuss now.
x

Akiko · 12/05/2009 22:45

Yes, thank you. i feel a bit stronger now and will start conversations this summer.

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