Would any of these rule a couple out for adoption?

[FluffyHamster]

• own child conceived after IVF
• husband has been previously married
• previous separation in current marriage (but back together)
• husband has previously sought help for drink problems (now under control)

I don't think any of those things would rule you out, certainly not the first 3. They would probably do a lot of investigation into why you feel your marriage is stable now but wasn't before and whether you can show that there won't be problems again.

With the drink problems they will probably want the same sort of reassurances, especially if the DH had been drinking because of stress as adopting is horribly stressful, both the assessment process and sometimes after the child has been placed too if they have problems.

Thanks Bran

This isn't us, but friends of ours. Not sure about the first one not being a problem - they have already had some discussions with one authority who seemed to suggest that because their DS was such a 'special' & 'wanted' child this may cause a problem?

I am worried that they will not be deemed suitable, and my friend will get hurt by this.

The DH is a slightly strange chap - not at all forthcoming/ talkative - rather detached and moody. He comes from a fairly fragmented family background himself, and has broken off contact with his own family.

I think being detatched and moody might be a big problem actually. A lot of children who are adopted have baggage from their past and their personalities might clash with a moody personality, especially if they have any sort of attachment disorder.

A lot of areas of the country have more prospective adoptors than they need, especially white couples, so they can afford to be very picky about the exact type of family they want. It may be that your friend might not even be taken on by her local authority. If they do go ahead they should be aware that it is very judgemental and intrusive and not for the easily hurt or those likely to take umbrage.

Yes - this is my worry.
My friend desperately wanted another child, but it hasn't happened (not helped by separation for a few years).

I think her desperation may 'show through' and be unhelpful. I think they have already been rejected by one LA, but are now trying another but I am not hopeful of the end result.

I think she is quite fragile to be honest, and I can't imagine her coping with two children, let alone all the stresses of an adoption, and possibly (probably?) a child with existing issues which will need lots of love, time and patience.

I think they ahve been invited onto an induction process now. Will their relationship and personalities etc be analysed and explored at this stage?

I really don't want her to get her hopes up, only for them to be dashed.

If I may add my comments?

You friends OH will probably find the assesment process really difficult. Its hard for the most chatty, open of us. It is very intrusive and goes into great depth about previous relationships including families. If he feels uncomfortable talking about himself he is going to really struggle with this.

People should not be excluded because of difficult backgrounds, troubled lives etc but they will be expected to explore and discuss these things.

The adoption agency will have to carry out specific checks and assess this family.

First they will send them to a cousellor to see if adoption is right for them.
Then they will be invited to meetings.

Then they will do all the relevant checks.
This will include:
Police checks (obtaining a CRB),they will assess medical records,they will need references and factual information on both adopters.
Also refernences to obtain thier financial security, the health and safety of the child within thier home.
They will also have to consider whether or not a family or someone in that family who is going to be the primary carer i.e mom and dad, smokes. (they will help them to give it up)
They will also take into consideration whether or not there are dogs within the household. They will normally determin this outcome based on what breed and temperament the dog has.

After this they will write a report and after around 8 months the agency will determine whether or not the family is suitable.

The courts now have to make sure that every single decision they make is in the best interest of the child.

As shegirl says, it is a gruelling process and not one for the fainthearted.

Will your friend be able to cope with the fact that the child she may eventually adopt will not be hers biologically and one day will have to explain this to the child?

They adoption agency will check with local authorities to see whether the family have been rejected before.

your friend may well be desperate, that doesn;t preclude her from either adopting or from being a good adoptive parent. However she needs to be able to pretend that she is not so desperate, she needs to be realistsic and well informed about the kind/age of child they might be mathced with. She also needs to beat some social skills into her DH (IMVHO) if they are to get through.

An acquaintance of mine had a similar problem with a rather quiet and detatched DH and eventually they gave up half way through homes tudy because sw made it so difficult for them, she decided that DH was gay and hiding it hence his reserved personaility!

if she were my friend i woudl try to support her the best i could. just listen and be there for her. take her out for a coffee / drink and nod supportively

i strongly suspect ( like the other posters) that this may not work out for them. but they may need to go through it before they can move on IYSWIM. if you try to make her more " realistic" she may think that you dont support them rather than you are worried about her being hurt

How did your friends get on , FluffyHamster?