Fathers who are unaware they fathered a child

[mogwai]

Been a lot in the press last week about the percentage of fathers bringing up children that aren't biologically theirs.

There's another side to this - what about the actual fathers of those children who aren't aware they exist?

If I had a child and didn't know I'd be devastated to find out, but as women we're never in that position, are we?

My mother's sister (ie my auntie) got herself pregnant in the early 1970's by a married man. She told nobody about this, concealed it until 7 months then took herself off to one of those "mother and baby homes" telling everyone at home she'd gone on a 6 week course.

She gave birth to a son, handed him to the adoptive mother personally and went back to the family home. She'd never have been found out but my own mother found the baby's birth certificate and questioned her. Eventually their mother found out but they never told their father.

My auntie married and had another son two years later, followed by two more children. She was a lovely mum and a sort of second mum to me, though I had no idea I had a slightly older cousin - always thought I was the oldest grandchild.

Sadly she died of cancer when her children were still small. Years later my mum told me the story and said she'd left her own name as a contact with the adoption authorities in the event that this boy ever came looking for his mother. I often felt I hoped he didn't come looking as he'd run the risk of being devastated at what he found.

We are both 36 now and he's never some forward. His younger siblings have been told about him (by a male relative and I wasn't sure about the wisdom of this...) but, wondering about his father, I asked my mum.

Turned out my mum knew who his father was, though it's not on his birth certificate. As my grandma is dead, my mother is the only person who knows this information and I'm the only person she's told.

His father, it turns out, was a famous face locally in the 1970's and since then he's built a successful business empire in the entertainment industry. He comes up if you google his name and he's easily contactable - I actually read about him in one of the Sunday broadsheets a couple of weeks ago.

I don't know whether he ever married but he has a son he knows nothing about. I feel it's important I remember this man's name in case my cousin shows up but I do feel terribly odd knowing this guy knows nothing about his son.

Any thoughts? I think about it a lot.

What has your mother said about telling him?

I would absolutely, definitely NOT tell him. It will only cause him pain as there is no chance he could contact his son and might mess up his own family life and marriage. Let sleeping dogs lie.

I tend to agree with Daisy. There is nothing he can do if you do tell him. If the son does get in contact with you, then you can think again.

I wouldn't tell him, although it does seem sad that he will probably never know he has a child. I think you would be doing much more harm than good to tell him though.

It would be different if the son had ever come forward. Then I think it would be reasonable to give him (the son) the information and have him decide whether or not to contact the father.

What would you tell him? Because if you gave him any more than the very unhelpful information "you have a son, and that's all I can say on the matter", you are invading the son's privacy in an unacceptable fashion.

I think that telling him could have awful repercussions for him (guilt at leaving a pg lady, guilt at allowing a situation where a child was adopted, fear that the child would blame him, fear that the child would never want to know him.. the list is almost endless). As far as I can see there are no positives to this unless the child (now adult) comes forward and wants to meet him. At 36 it does not look likely (the child may not even know they are adopted or may be happy with their situation).

Personally I would have to decide that I had no right to cause upset in the life of an elderly man without having something to offer IYSWIM. IF you could go to him and say that he has a son and the son would like to get in contact then it would be different as there is the possibility for a happy outcome. As things stand there is no possibility for a happy outcome and so would be best left. (again IMO!)

plus (and apologies if I've misunderstood) if this was as a result of an affair, you need to think of the father's wife & family

OP: "if this cousin of mine comes forward in the futire and the father is dead, what can I tell him about his father? A name? That his father didn't know he existed?"

The simple answer is that if your cousin comes forward, tell him that you don't know whether his father knows he exists (because you really don't know, do you??), and then give the son his father's details for him to decide whether or not to contact his father.

Anything else IS meddlesome.

I would say that the fact that the son is 36 doesn't mean that he would be unlikely to want to trace his roots. My mother was adopted and always knew and had a good childhood - but she didn't start to want answers about her adoption until she became a grandmother. Strangely becoming a mother didn't activate those same questions - she was 55 when she wanted to find out.
If it is any help, I think there is some kind of adoption notice board that you can put up details on, so that if either side wants contact, then the first move is open as it were. I think it might be a social services thing, but I can't remember!

If it were me, I'd want to know.

I'd contact the father, say, Look, I'm the niece of blankety blank. She died in XXYY, but on XYZ date she gave birth to a son in (location). There is now no one else who knows who is still alive but me, and I cannot in good conscience go to my grave knowing this. What you chose to do with this information is your business. Thank you.

One of my father's sisters had three children by a married man. She would NEVER reveal his identity. She's dead now and her children are desperate to find their biological father.

But it is a different thing to tell the children (or make sure the children can find out). It is quiet another to tell a father who will be powerless to act on the information.

We don't know what means he has at his disposal to find his son.

And it is the OP's business because it concerns her first cousin, IMO.

Do you know the details of his conception? If they were in love or whether she was maybe taken advantage of?

I ask just to put another possibility. I have a half-brother I don't know and he would be 38 now. My mother was raped in 1970 and she went to a mother and baby home and gave it up for adoption. She knew the 'father' of her baby but has never told anyone. If her son had come looking for her she would have had to tell him he was the product of a violent act. She always said she hoped he never came

I would be mightily pissed off if my biological father "found" me. Up to me to make the move. And I have no urge to do so at present.

expat, are you advising the OP to tell because you are projecting onto the father that he would want to know or because it is a weight off the OP's shoulders to not go to her grave with this on her conscience?

Neither is a justification to interfere IMO.

I don't think the father would be powerless to act on the information. A friend of mine is adopted. She had no interest in finding her birth mother. Her birth mother found her and now they have an excellent relationship.

In response to posts:

I can't honestly see how the father would be able to trace his son through the correct channels. I have no idea whether he is named on the child's birth certificate. If he isn't, he wouldn't stand any chance, I'd have thought.

I know the circumstances were that she was dating the guy. Becoming pregnant was a simple accident rather than rape or anything else.

I have never discussed with my mother the possibility of contacting the father.

The comments left here have led me to decide that I'll do nothing about it, though I admit I sort of hope he comes forward sometime soon and before the guy is dead.

On the other hand, the best thing would be if he had no idea he was adopted, though I've a feeling that sort of thing always comes out in the wash.

Yes, he's my first cousin, but there's another dimension to it. My aunt became pregnant as a single woman in 1972. She was 21. My mother (who was 16) became pregnant the following month. So there they were, two sisters from a poor background, so poor they actually had to share a bed and they both got themselves pregnant within about six weeks.

My aunt, it later transpired, had never intended to give her son up for adoption. But when she discovered her little sister was also pregnant (my mother) she knew they couldn't both keep their babies. The house was overcrowded, there was no money, she thought the shame of it would finish my grandad off.

When my mother revealed her own pregancy, my grandmother hit the roof and practically forced her to sign adoption papers before I was born. She signed the first lot but, with my aunt's support, refused to sign the second set.

My aunt kept schtum and supported her little sister and went off and had her baby alone. She gave her baby up so my mother could keep me. I would otherwise have been adopted.

When I was tracing our family tree I came across my own birth in the register of BD and Marriages. Right next to me was this boy with the same surname, an unusual surname, and definitely my cousin as I know his birth name. His name has an "A" handwritten next to it, which I'm assuming means "adopted". As unborn children we shared a bed and I feel odd about how our lives took a different path.

Natural curiousity, I'd say, and it makes it hard not to think about doing the right thing for him.

I think you are right to leave it alone. If he came looking for his mother then that would be a good time to contact the father and let him know (before you tell the son)..

I was adopted and I know that my birth father was unaware of my existance. They split up and then birth mother realised she was pregnant, Birth father had apparently joined the armed forces and she didn't contact him again (as far as I know).

I don't want to trace my birth parents (well I am 40 and haven't wanted to as yet) and would be devasted if he was told and tried to find me. It is my worse fear really, if I decide to trace them that is my choice, but I would not want to be traced.

I think that as the son has not come forward as yet, then he wouldn't want the father to come to him.

'Natural curiousity, I'd say, and it makes it hard not to think about doing the right thing for him. '

I'm not 'projecting' anything. I'm not adopted or fostered and never been around that or anything else.

You don't know anyone, mog. You don't know your cousin, his bio father, or anyone else.

You do know the truth.

People say otherwise, but except in certain cases of spouses cheating, the truth is always not a bad thing.

Just ask yourself this and ignore everything else: can I go to my grave with this in good conscience?

Can I go, peacefully, knowing I was the last living person to know with any certainty the identity of my first cousin's biological father?

Because that is a big one. And despite what anyone says, that is a big one.

If you can put your mind at rest with that knowledge and go to whatever is your final resting place with that, then cool!

more power to ya!

if anything otherwise well then you know what to do.

good luck.

Why can't mogwai leave this information with another person, in the same way her mum left it with her? Not sure why mogwai has to take this to the grave with her. I don't believe easing your conscience is a carte blanche to do what you like without considering others' feelings?

Bear in mind also that the son may have died years ago, so it would be even more pointless to interfere.
Actually, what mogwai could do is contact Norcap or similar and leave a letter for the son to pick up should he ever decide to. That means the information is available to the relevant person but not to anyone else.

agree with solidgold - leave a letter for the son with Norcap so it's on file if he ever does want to find out about his biological family. Then leave well alone. This is not YOUR life and it's not your right to make decisions and potentially cause a lot of distress to the people who ARE involved.

that's a really, really good idea.

My mother is listed as a contact with Norcap. She listed herself when he'd have been about 15.

Great idea, I'll do it.

I don't want to open a can of worms here - but has anyone considered that the son doesn't know that he is adopted?

In 1972 there would have been no obligation to make the child known he wasn't the adoptive parent's own child. If they adopted him from birth, then I would assume he wouldn't necessarily know.

It is certainly a good idea to leave your details with Norcap, but the son might never come forward because he might not ever know. Perhaps that is for the best...

Is it so bad that you feel a need to know a member of your family? I don't think so.

Would you be able to find out the names of the adoptive parents? Perhaps you could try and make contact with them - you can always make it perfectly clear that you don't want to interfere, give them the information to do what they want with it as well? (that way you have both sides covered - if they don't give him the info you gave them and he goes to seek info at a later date, then Norcap will also hold the info).

He might have found out already that his birth mother was dead and decided not to persue the matter further. After all, maybe he doesn't think any of you knew about him, in which case - he might not want to drop that bombshell on you all.

Oh goodness no, I'd NEVER contact the adoptive parents.

They brought him up, it's their right to choose whether they make him aware of his past and if you're right and he doesn't know he's adopted then I respect their choice and the last thing they'd want is anyone from his birth family getting in touch.

Imagine!