No idea where to start...

[norfolklass]

Apologies is this comes out completely wrong but just after some advice really.

Basically myself and my husband have got a gorgeous little boy who is nearly 4 but we are thinking about looking into adoption.

Im an only child myself and always said I didn't want my child to be an only child but to be honest Ive not got a burning desire to have a baby but at the same time we really love my son to experience having a brother/sister. We have so much love to give and Im sure there must be so many children out there who are crying out to belong to a family.

I had quite bad postnatal depression after having my son which is partly the reason I don't want any more children of my own. Ive been pregnant and Ive given birth oce and have no desire to repeat it but would love to have another child to love and care for and to be part of our family.

Im still on anti-depressants 4 years on and to be honest neither myself or my gp have any intention of stopping them at any time soon so just wondered if that is something that would play a part in the decision to allow us to adopt. For want of a better explanation my depression made me feel very down rather than a bit "nutty" (sorry can't think of how else to describe it!)so the only person it really affects is me and now Im on my medication Im absolutely fine.

I udnerstand you can only adopt a child younger than your own child and the whole process is likely to take 2 years or so, so presume Id be looking at a child up to the age of 4? I know babies to be adopted are very very scarce and to be honest Id much rather have a older toddler or one with special needs. Im very lucky in that Im a sahm with huge amounts of time and love to give but just don't quite know where to start.

Hi!
I have 2 boys who my hubby and I adopted. The first place to start could be to contact your local authority and ask when their next open evening is or surf the net and look at different private agencies.
The only thing I would say in re: to your post natal depression is that through your application process a questionnaire is sne tout to your Gp asking them various questions about the health in general.
Good luck!

there are many children waiting to be adopted with special needs. If you were able to parent a child like this then you may find an adoption agency willing to assess you. You could start by contacting all the adoption agencies who cover your area . A simple letter stating your family circumstances, your health problems and the type of child you woudl consider should suffice

you are correct to assume that a long term history of depressive illness may mean that some agencies will not even consider your application

any assessment would look in depth at your reasons for adopting rather than having another bio child. they would also want to explore the riske of post adoption depression

the fact that you are a SAHM will be an advantage, as any adopted child needs lots of time

good luck

adoption uk is a very useful resource . you can search for local agencies

Thats great advice...thank you both very much.

I thought that the pnd might play a part in it but wasn't quite sure to what extent. Basically I left work one day for my maternity leave and went into labour straight away so was all a bit of shock which is why my gp think the pnd depression started in the first place. I have no idea tbh but its not something Im desperate to go through again. Now Im on my medications Im perfectly fine exactly the same as everyone else but of course I totally understand the reasons why someone with depressive illness could be a problem.

Will do some more investigation and see what happens. Many thanks once again x

also worth discussing with each other and a sw what kind of special needs to feel you can handle. A friend of mine has successfully adopted two young children with downs syndrome (both around 12 months when adopted) as she felt their "special needs" were something she would cope with and as both were relinquished at birth and stayed with the same foster family they had far fewer issues than many NT children who have been in the system for a number of years.

It seems to be working for her so far but its really a case of being honest with yourself about what you feel you could handle.

I also know someone with PND who succesfully adopted but I don't think she was still on AD's at the time. Often depends on how supportive your GP is

Hello, we are just starting out too. We have 2 birthchildren and want to adopt a 3rd. On our local County Council website is a page about adoption and fostering and there was a message box you can use to contact them. I just typed a quick message saying our situation and requesting any leaflets they could send me and details of any information evenings we could attend. They sent an info pack and a slip to return if we want them to send us an invitation to the next info evening (which I've just returned).

I'm expecting them to tell us at the info evening how hard it will be, to try to put us off if we aren't definitely sure we want to do it. I think it WILL be much harder than it has been with our birthchildren. Having been adopted myself and read a few things and talked to other people I believe that adopted children find it hard to trust and are resistant to bonding at first. They might also have been mistreated and have additional emotional problems.

There are some things I'm worried might go against us with the adoption panel as well but I'm thinking it is best to be completely open about everything because if we actually aren't up to the job even though we think we are at the moment I don't want to do it and mess up a child's life.

Yes totally understand friarkewcumber (great name btw!) about being honest about the sort of special needs I could cope with and thats somthing Ive thought about quite a lot. Im pretty sure that something like downs syndrome we could cope with and Id hope we'd make a difference to that childs life but not sure on the more severe end of the scale...if that makes sense. Feels awful saying that we wouldn't want a child with more severe needs but obviously we've got our birth child to think about as well.

I'd be willing to try and come off the AD's if that'd make a difference-its a very low maintenance dose which Ive been on for 3 years cause only took the stronger ones for a year but deep down I think it'd probably be better staying on them. I totally get why it would be an issue cause obviously its in the best interests of the child but there is such a stigma attached to anti-depressants. My gp once said nobody would bat an eyelid if you said you took insulin for diabetes but as sson as you mention AD's it's a huge issue.

Actingnormal-how did you find growing up being adopted and is that why you decided to look into it now? Sorry Im incredibly nosey you don't have to answer that.

Ive always wanted a big family after coming from a very small family unit with just me and my parents (no aunts/uncles etc) and I really feel I could do this and make a difference. I may not be good at the whole pregnancy and giving birth thing but Im a flippin good mummy despite being on anti-depressants!!

I love your confidence, maybe I will say that to myself to feel better ("I am a flippin good mummy!"). Not sure if I'm THAT good though, just good enough.

I don't mind you asking at all, I love going on about it. I always felt a HUGE need to know details about how I came into the world and why I was given away and what my birthparents were like and I felt I would never 'rest' until I knew, even if I didn't like what I found out (and a lot of it I didn't like). I felt like I didn't really know who I was. I felt disconnected from the world and that I had a gap in myself which sometimes felt painful (maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if I had had better adoptive parents). But I believe even with the BEST adoptive parents an adopted child will still feel something of this 'gap'.

As an adult you can rationalise that there were reasons and it wasn't because there was something wrong with you but when you are a child you think "Why didn't they want me, what is wrong with me?". Again, perhaps with reassuring parents this wouldn't be so bad.

I always felt less important than 'normal' people. I'm not sure how much of this is because of thoughts about being adopted and how much is about bad childhood experiences. I just felt like I was 'tolerated' in the world and just 'there' but nobody was particularly impressed with me or really wanted me. If I had a friend I always knew that sooner or later somebody better would come along and they would 'go off with' them and I would have to 'defer' to them because they were more important than me. I suppose I didn't really trust anyone to stay with me and be there for me. I also thought that when people got to know the real me, they wouldn't want me anymore because they would see that I was nothing.

Sorry I am being depressing. A lot of it was probably because of bad experiences not just the adoption.

I believe that good adoptive parents can make a big difference and make the child feel a lot better but perhaps never completely fill that 'gap' they feel in them. I feel I want to use my understanding of how I felt, now that I have dealt with my issues, to help another child in that situation.

That's really insightful "Actingnormal" I'm sorry to hear your experince of being adopted wasn't as good as it could have been. With alot of adoptions now because of the new legislation that came in a few years ago, the adoptive parents have a right to see/read all relevant info on child - which this can then be passed on to the child/ren.
We adopted our sons who are 2 1/2 and almost 4, they are biological brothers and we have already strarted to set the seeds of trying to explain where they came from. And although I agree that there is sometimes a "gap" or a feeling of abandonedment I hope I can explain that the courts removed them and that they are special because we had to work so hard to be their mummy and Daddy - sorry if I'm boring you!
I think it's great that people are coming forward to offer a chance of happiness and permanancey to children.

bec - i admire you for trying to talk to your children now about why they were adopted. i dont want to offend you but please don't say to them that " the courts removed them and that they are special because we had to work so hard to be their mummy and Daddy".

i undertstand that they are special to you because your adoption journey was long and stressful. but that's YOUR adoption story, not theirs. its a terrible tragedy in their lives that they were so badly abused/neglected that they were removed from their birth parenst. they have a right to be very hurt and angry about that. its not special

many adoptees get pretty fed up at being told they are special, when they just want to be normal. adoption is born out of loss for everyone concrned.

sorry for hijack norfolk lass