special guardianship / What would you do?

[lijaco]

Hi some of you may remember about my situation. Anyway I recieved a text of my gs mum telling me that she loves her ds and that she would like to prove that she is a good person. I decided to ring the number back and spoke to her. She sounded very shaky on the phone and explained to me that she would like my son (gs dad) to keep out of her life because he keeps texting her and going up to see her. She has had a very abusive upbringing and was taken into care when she was a teenager. My son met her when he was 15 and she was 16. He got involved with drugs with her and their relationship became volatile. To cut a very long story short we have legal gaurdinship of our g.s. I asked her why she had not taken up the letterbox contact and she told me that she could not write properly and had tried lots of times. She told me that the photos I had sent to her my son had ripped up and she sounded very emotional. I told her that I would resend them to her. I also told her to keep my number on her phone just in case she needed to talk with me again. She took an overdose as well yesterday and does this often. I really feel for her. During my assessment and court proceedings I was advised to only set up letterbox contact as they felt that my gs would be emotionally messed up with the unreliability. My gs is now 19 months old. I need someadvice really how do I handle this situation for the best interests of my gs. His mum is so pitiful and I really do feel for her. She is currently staying at a single mothers lodge. She has been through the care system herself and literally has nobody.

you have to be a little careful here as if you set up some direct contact against the advice of the LA who initiated care proceedings for your GS, they may become involved again. Can you speak to your gs's previous social worker and ask her for advice?
what was the position on face to face contact when the SGO was made?

Hi lijaco, what a sad situation for you. Personally I would maintain your end of the letter box contact and leave it at that, as hard as that may be. Your gs mum obviously needs support to get to a place where she can maintain letter box contact but you are not the person to offer that support. Perhaps you could find out if there is a local agency that would support her and send her the details, but nothing more. I would want her to prove she can be reliable with letterbox contact for a good while before considering any other kind of contact with your gs. It is heartbreaking to see anyone in such a sad position and it is great that you feel compassionately towards her but you would be compomising your position as gs guardian by getting over involved.

the position was that mum never turned up to any contacts because she was so insecure in the relationship with my son. So it was decided that she had, had her chances with face to face contact. We were told by ss that once we became guardians for gs that any contacts would be our responsibility. So I haven't a clue how to handle this.

bixley those were thoughts that I was having really. Thank you for advice.

krystinam where are you?

hi lijaco, sorry to hear of this situation, it sounds very sad. Its much more complicated for you than for most adoptive parenst here, as its your son and his ex gf rather than just a " stranger" who is your child's birth parent.

are you thinking of setting up direct contact between you and your Dh and her? you obviously have her phone no and address and she has your number?

there is a lot to think about in terms of how needy she is, the drug misuse, the violence between her and your son, her mental health problems etc. she is also poor, homeless and has no other family support

on one hand i can understand why you feel desperately sorry for her and want to help. on the other hand, she is a MAJOR project. do you have the time, space, money and emotional energy to get involved with her?

Would you be able to set clear boundaries for your Gs and your own children's safety?

how woudl it affect your relationship with your son? she obviously wants you to get involved in their relationship eg to get him to stop sending her texts

i can understand why its hard for someone in her situation to use the letterbox system without support. But it would be a BIG decision to let her have face to face contact with your gs.

Thanks Kristinam I appreciate your valuable advice. Thank you for posting. I first of all want to do the very best for my gs. I want the letterbox contact to work. I wish that she could get the support she really needs. If she could prove herself over time I would consider face to face contact as I think my gs may start to want this as he gets older? (not sure though). I find myself thinking about her situation and how it must hurt. Letter box contact is via her solicitor so we don't have each others address. She has my mobile number through my son. She initially sent me a text and I rang her back. She does no where I live though from the past and has never called at the door. She seems to honour the set rules prior to spec gaurdianship. Just a very sad situation. She told me she can't write letters as she has problems with her literacy. So I am going to send some photos and an update of where g.s. is upto. I will write to her myself to encourage her to get support or write to gs through pictures/ visuals. Maybe she could send photos also. The problem is that she has used drugs, not aware of now though. She has a personality disorder due to her upbringing. So want to make sure that I am treading carefully.

well it sounds positive that she is respecting the boundaries so far. and at least you know quite a lot about her so you have an idea of what you might be getting into. teh whole drugs & mental health problems thing makes it all so volatile, doesnt it?

i agree,its quite possible that GS will want contact with her later on. especailly as she was so young when she had him and she did love him and want to keep him ( however impossibel that was in her situation) .

I feel so sad when i read posts here from prospective adopters who want to adopt " an unloved and unwanted baby". i suspect from your story that your gs was loved , its just that her needs were so overwhelming & she had so few resounces, she couldnt even look after herself, let alone him. I am sure she will live to regret the decisions she made. Poor girl

Well I guess you knewthat things woudl be complicated when you took on gs

kristinam you described this situation perfectly.