they tell me i'm wrong to want to adopt a child, are they right?

[imperium]

hi, i'm 26 years old and although i'm in no position to do so yet, id like to adopt a child. When i tell people this, for example mainly my family, they act as if i'm on cloud cuckoo-land and tell me they cant understand why a healthy woman who presumably can have kids, would choose "an option thats a last resort for most people". it went so far the other day that my mum told me i obviously had mental issues if i felt that i'd want "another woman's child" over my own.

my reasons are as follows, firstly, i dont feel particularly meternal towards babies, or at all really. i've worked for a while with many kids who have severe behavioural problems and some of their files have actually reduced me to tears in some instances. i cant understand why a child who is being treated so badly isnt an option for most people who would happily have 3 of their own. i don't feel this biological need certainly not yet to have a child. i'd prefer a son, vastly prefer a son, and i'd like to adopt a child of around 6 or seven. i have no desire to carry a child or to be pregnant and my idea of motherhood and my maternal instincts are directed towards protecting a child, possibly because of my experiences, but also because i knew people at school who were in such a mess and i believe that if somebody had cared for them they wouldnt have ended up in prison.

these reasons are not enough for my family, who give me ludicrous ideas like "you'll never feel proud of a child who's not yours" but then theyll see something on the news about an abused child and say "oh it really opens up your eyes to what children suffer" i already know, and i look at my cousins and siblings with these perfect children with after school activities and 3 bikes and big bedrooms and organic diets and rather than wanting my own child to have this, i'd like to give this to a child who has nothing who already exists somewhere out there. i regularly visit baaf and browse profiles and try to get a better idea of the type of child i'd like, an activity which i'm being made to feel guilty about as i'm "letting my family down by not trying to give them grandchildren". my partner understands how i feel and suggests that maybe one day hed like our own child, but he would certainly consider giving a family to a child who doesn't have one. why can't other people see how i feel?

Wanting to adopt a child in need is a laudable thing, and your family are being overcritical, and a bit needy about grandchildren (are you their only child?). But you sound a little like me wanting to adopt a dog. I'd love to have one, and I'm only interested in a rescue dog. But I'm not in a position to have a dog right now, and so I really shouldn't be looking at pictures etc, because it's not a realistic aim, and it is almost voyeristic. My family tell me off for talking too much about what sort of dog I might have, and I think they are right to do so. Wait until you are in a position to fulfill your dream before you start down the road to adoption. As I am sure you are aware, it is a long and difficult path. Would you consider training to be a foster parent in the meanwhile? There are huge shortages of foster parents in the UK.

Oh, and I do know where you are coming from. I have two children and was not at all keen on the baby part of it. I'd quite like to adopt an older sibling group at some point in the future, should the circumstances be right.

no, i'm not an only child, but my parents are traditional in their views and they have lots of children around and i think that when i have discussed it with them on rare occasions, theyve laid into me.

i think its unfair to say its like wanting a dog, and its a bit offensive to make the comparison! i think that i'm doing right in trying to read about peoples experiences and what the process is and what type of children are really out there. to me its not a thing you can just rush into because suddenly my circumstances are right. i'm pretty sure about what type of child i want because i have lots of experience with kids, and i know that i'm not very good with babies, and that children with physical disabilities are not right for me and i'm pretty certain about children with certain conditions that i don't feel able to take on, just through experience of them, but i feel that i do have something to offer to other children with different types of difficulties.

yeah id certainly consider fostering before adopting, thats what i was thinking of doing anyway, to get a feel for the challenges.

I was talking about fostering the other day to a friend who spent her life in foster care and really appreciates the lifeline it gave her. My only caveat to fostering/ adoption is the effect it might have on my own kids, especially if I ended up taking on children who needed a lot of my time and attention. You don't have that, so you might be an ideal candidate, and I think it is greta that you want to give a child a chance of a better life.

You sound like you have some experience, and have thought it through, so I don't see why it would be a bad idea. it may be that your family are just not as open-minded as you are, or mabe just still see you as the "child", but you need to think about what you want to do, and deal with them and their opinions later, I think.

No of course you aren't wrong. There are lots of children who need to find adoptive parents and if you are up for it then why not?

My only concern is that you are going to do this without of the support of your family and that will be really hard.

My BIL and his wife have adopted 2 children(a brother and sister) because they can't have their own. It is a hard process and the adoption people seem very keen on knowing that they had the backing of their family presumably because any child would become part of that family. I wonder if your family would be able to accept an adopted child and whether it might store up problems for the future if you do eventually have a biological child of your own or even comparing that child to your nephews and neices. What do your DP family think too because obviously the child will be part of their family as well.

I would be wary of looking at websites to see what sort of child you like though. I don't think it is as easy as looking at a list of attributes and a photo and deciding. The child may be perfect on paper but if you don't 'click' when you meet then it is pointless. You do need to have a good idea of the sort of difficulties and problems you feel able to cope with though which is hard because you could be dealing with those problems for many years to come and nobody has a crystal ball. But then on the other hand nobody knows what their biological child will be like until they are born and for the most part most of us cope with whatever that brings.

Are you ready to do this now? Have you contacted any agencies to see what they say? Maybe they would have view on whether or not you are likely to be cleared to adopt which may or may not make this a mute point anyway.

Of course you are not wrong.

We have 3 biological children and can't have more (too risky) but would like to adopt. When I told my MIL her face told me everything I needed to know about her opinion. And her a Christian.

That's so sad NAB. In a total hijack, are things good with you now (don't feel you need to reply btw). I really hope so

Sorry imperium I wasn't wanting to imply that adopting a dog was in any way like adopting a child, I just thought from your OP that looking at profiles etc was a bit premature if you aren't in a position to move forwards as yet (similar to my dog yearnings). But it sounds like actually you have done lots of thinking about things, so a poor analogy.

I have posted a lot bit today and while I still feel it is for different reasons and I am all okay now. Thanks for asking.

It does strike me as a little odd that you are looking up kids on internet sites, to see 'what kind of kids are available' Well surely there are all kind of kids available, being that each child is unique and comes from a unique set of circumstances. I fail to see how it can be beneficial to 'see what kind of kids are available' now, when you are not in a position to adopt now. It certainly seems a little voyeristic, and almost as if this need to adopt is more about you than about the child.

You seem to know your onions with regards to 'troubled' kids and some of the problems kids face and I daresay a troubled 6 or 7 year old would have a huge range of complex needs, of which i'm sure being protected and feeling safe is a huge one, but to me the biggest need of any kid is to be loved and I haven't seen you mention love in any of your posts.

Not saying you wouldn't love 'em, just an observation. It was an odd ommission imo.

I think you are brilliant. I always felt that the abandoned and abused children belonged to all of us, and are society's collective responsibility to care and love and look after. I would have liked to do what you are thinking of doing but cannot, but applaud you hugely.

OP isn't being voyeuristic at all. When we were going through the process of adopting our dd from China I used to read blogs of parents who had already been through the process and enjoyed looking at the pictures of their children. It's called research.

Like OP I never wanted to give birth but chose to adopt instead. I couldn't love my DD more or be more proud of her .

OP - you will come across quite a few people like InspectorGadget if you do decide to adopt. They're called social workers

Best of luck.

me too amanda - I used to read adoption blogs with tears rolling down my face. It was one of the few things (contrary to appearances!) that kept me sane.

I think reading a blog is quite different to looking at websites of children up for adoption. I have read a few myself, including Kewcumbers, which I found very interesting indeed.

And I'm not a social worker, far from it. Adoption is a very wondeful thing, the selfless people who do it are actual angels in so many ways, and I take my hat off them, really I do.

But I found it odd that OP did not once mention wanting to love a child, or to give a child love, and i expressed that. OP has asked for opinions after all. Had I known the only acceptable ones where ones that validated her I'd have kept quiet.

Maybe OP thought that love was a prerequisite for becoming a mother whether it be by giving birth or adoption, therefore she didn't feel the need to mention it.

And how patronising to descibe adoptive parents as "selfless ... actual angels". We're actually just ordinary mums who chose a different route to motherhood. My dd didn't need an angel ... just a mum.

You're probably quite right, and i think I probably did come on a little strong in my response..... it wasn't my intention.

As for me being patronising, well chose to feel patronised if you wish but, I would NEVER patronise anyone who adopts a child. Was ellieG patronising too?

All children deserve to be loved by their parents, and I'm glad your DD has a loving and caring mum.

It was all I needed too. And she was fab.

Sorry, Gadget - think I was having an overly sensitive moment It's just that people often act as though adoptive parents are doing the child a favour. I get fed up of complete strangers in Sainsbury's telling my daughter she is so lucky to have us. She is lucky but not any luckier than any child who is born to a loving birth mother. If that makes sense.

Makes total sense.

In fact, all things being equal she would have been far luckier if she had not been born into circumstances which required her to ba adopted. No offence, I hope you get what I mean by that.