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Adoption

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Original poster

How to tell DS I gave away DD for adoption?

16 replies

audley · 01/01/2009 19:38

Hi, not sure if anyone here can help but I have a 1 yr old DS and had a DD I gave up for adoption. She is now a teenager. They have met and may do so regularly but infrequently iyswim. How do I explain this to DS as he grows up without making im worry I will give him away too?

OP posts:

faeriemoo · 01/01/2009 19:40

How old was your DD when you gave her up for adoption?

When would you plan on telling your son about her? Maybe wait til he is old enough to understand (though I'm not quite sure when that is).

Original poster

audley · 01/01/2009 19:42

Thanks for the swift response! I gave her up at birth and had planned to from very early on in the pregnancy.

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Original poster

audley · 01/01/2009 19:43

I have a photo of DS sitting on DD knee next to his cot so I hope he will always know about her.

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NAB3lovelychildren · 01/01/2009 19:46

How do you have contact with her and how old is she now?

Original poster

audley · 01/01/2009 19:47

Hi, yes we meet yearly, she s 14.

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Original poster

audley · 01/01/2009 19:49

We write yearly too, with photo's and sometimes small gifts. I know I am extremely fortunate. Her parents have initiated the face to face contact.

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mloo · 01/01/2009 19:52

How have you explained it to your DD? -- whatever she can accept is probably the right thing to tell your DS, too (perhaps simplified a bit, but the gist could be the same, no?)

mloo · 01/01/2009 19:53

Ooh! Just realised that your DS is so young, he wont' be asking any directly relevant questions for a long time, and I wouldn't try to explain anything until he asks.

Original poster

audley · 01/01/2009 20:00

Gawd, tbh I haven't explained it to her at all. Our meetings have all been fun and activity based with the wider family so not much opportunity to talk about our situation in a meaningful way. We just all make sure we have a happy time and don't question things really...I have thought about starting a conversation but I don't think it's my place. I would be very happy to talk things through with her with or without SW assistance. I know her parents talk openly with her about being adopted. She was upset when I fell pregnant with DS, but seemed very happy to meet him. This was communicated to me via her mum and the SW. I treasure the contact we have and in no way want to over step the mark.

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Original poster

audley · 01/01/2009 20:01

X post. Yes I know he's only little but I like to be prepared! In reality I think this is not something I can avoid...

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KatieMorag · 01/01/2009 22:58

you are right , you cant avoid it

i think you shoudl refer to her as his sister now

when he is about 4 he will ask why she doesnt live with him and you can explain she has another mum and dad. he will accept this as so many kids have step siblings

once he understands about babies growing in tummies, you can explain that his sister grew in your tummy a long time ago, when you were just a teenager like [soemone he knwos]. you can explain how hard it is for teenagers to look after anyone but themselves, they don't have a house / job / money etc and they need to go out and learn about things. So you couldnt look after her and asked Sw to find other parenst who coudl

then when you were grown up etc etc met his dad whatever...you decided you wanted to hacve a baby together and you had him

you can explain that you feel very sad that you coudln't be a mummy to X but you were to young and you are glad you waited until you were a grown up to have him.

once he about 8 or so you will be able to explain more about adult feelings & complex circumstances etc

thsi kind of thing anyway..obviousoy chaneg the details to fit your situation

try not to lie and say things you will need to take back later. and just give him bits of info at a time. kids are remarakably accepting of different family situations

CarGirl · 01/01/2009 23:02

I'd say like KM says, you just give the very basic info and answer directly what they have asked. The whole story will come out over time as he understands more. Providing you are very open about it from now it probably won't be a big deal to him at all.

Original poster

audley · 02/01/2009 08:29

Thanks KM, I had questioned whether to talk about her as his sister or not, because I talk about her parents as just that and never refer to myself as mummy.
I will print off what you've written and keep it for future reference. Thanks so much.

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Original poster

audley · 02/01/2009 08:31

Thanks everyone for responding to my question. It has been really helpful

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KatieMorag · 02/01/2009 18:07

i think you are right not to refer to yoursefl as mummy. this is not to take away fom your place as her birth mother. its just that small children think very concretely. Mmummy is an ongoing relationship, the person who lives with you and cares for you.

i have a 4yowho understands that he has step siblings who have a different mummy but teh same daddy.when he forgets and refers to me as X and Y's mummy, i remind him that they have a differemt mummy, "remember jane is their mum?" . he jus says "oh yes i forgot" and moves on.

obviously when they are older they can understand that there are legal , biological and relational aspect to being a parent. in some families the same mum does all three. in others, its different. So in our step family i care for my step children but their mum is still their legal parent and they have a biological link with her ( they dont see her).

nowadays there are so many different families i am sure that your son will just accept this all. there will be plenty kids in his class who will have 1/2 siblings and step siblings who they dont live with, but see a few times a year. its pretty similar

I'm sure when he is a 9 or 10 he will ask more questions, but then they can understand more complex things. because teh story is never simple is it? however straightwaorward it seems, there is always a lot of pain and loss for everyone

i meant to say - it says a lot for you that you have kept up such positive contact with your oldest child. I'm sure this will really help her to deal with soem of the issues around being adopted.Her adoptive parenst sound pretty great too!

QOD · 07/01/2009 17:39

you could refer to her as "this is your tummy/birth sister" when you refer to photo? WHen my dd was tiny I would show her piccies of her in her "tummy mummys" tummy, and photos of us all together etc. As she got older it became the more sort of formal birth mother thing.
The key thing is for him to ALWAYS know, if you show pictures of you pregnant with her and then with him and say things like, "Astrid was growing in my tummy but I knew she was going to another mummy & daddy" and so on, it just becomes accepted by them.
My dd rarely mentions it now, aged 10, as she just "gets" it

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