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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

OK. So where do I begin .....

22 replies

CaptainDippy · 30/12/2008 17:38

DH & I have decided we would like to adopt. We have three DDs already (20m, 3.5 yrs and 5yrs) and were thinking of adopting a 2/3 year old.

What next!!!!?

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Squiffy · 30/12/2008 18:16

Ummmm.

Are you comfortable to take on a child that has been groomed for sex and acts inappropraitely with men?

Are you comfortable to take on siblings who have ADHD?

How would you feel about a child living with you but still staying in touch with (and loving more than he loves you) a drug addicted domestic violence victim of a mother?

You will need to think seriously about these types of problems and then google your local authority who will have a website on the process. Most social workers will set you straight very quickly that there are no roses round the garden. Sorry to come across with a right downer of a response but TBH your post comes across as a tad, ummm, optimistic. My DH and I looked into all of this when it seemed that we would be unable to have children of our own, and it broke our hearts. We walked away because we seriusly doubted our abilities to be able to cope adequately with the demands, much as we desperately wanted to have a child. Meeting adopters and discussing their experiences was very humbling. We thought it would all work out so long as you had plenty of love to give, but things really are much much more complicated than that.

But anyway, your local authority is the place to start.

NAB3lovelychildren · 30/12/2008 18:19

What??

My friends have adopted twice and no way was anything like your first question asked, Squiffy.

CD - register an interest with local social services and they will tell you waht you need to do. It can take a couple of years so be prepared for that. Good luck.

CrackopentheBaileys · 30/12/2008 18:25

And in fairness, if everyone out there had the same point of view as squiffy there would be no hope for these children.

No advice Dippy, but what you are doing is a beautiful generous thing, I applaud you, good luck

wb · 30/12/2008 18:41

A couple of years minimum. Adoption, if it is right for you and your family, is a beautiful, and frustrating and terrifying and wonderful and heartbreaking thing to do. And that's just the application process.

Suggest you take a look at the Adoption UK website and message boards, is you have not already done so. And good luck.

CarGirl · 30/12/2008 18:46

Hi Dippy!

Some friends of ours went into fostering and have ended up with the 2nd family as being long term.

Usually you have to adopt younger than your youngest but you will struggle to be offered a child under 3 I should think - because they are more in demand IYSWIM.

It is not an easy ride. Can you comfortably afford a 4th?

Have you considered long term fostering as an alternative?

MrsMerryHenry · 30/12/2008 18:51

Us too, Dippy! We have one of our own and would like one more biological child and then adopt an older child from the UK (because they always get left behind ). We've been thinking about this for years.

A friend of mine said the main important criterion for you to consider is how prescriptive are you about the sort of child you want - i.e. gender, skin colour (though most local authorities will stupidly only match skin colour these days), disability status, background, etc. As you might imagine, the more prescriptive you are, the less likely you'll be accepted. Also these days local auth's often ask (aka pressurising) you to try fostering first - but you don't have to.

Local auths can be a pain in the arse (sorry for lack of eloquence) - a good friend of mine works for Barnardo's and I believe they are very good. So explore all options.

Original poster
CaptainDippy · 30/12/2008 19:26

I was bought up in foster care - so I know the system pretty well and I am fully aware of how these things can potentially work. Yes, I am very happy to share my home and my heart with a broken, angry, defenseless, terrified potentially very challenging child. If I can give just one child the wonderful opportunities in life that I have been given, then it will have been worth it. Your post doesn't put me off at all Squiffy - I am a very strong person and I know we can handle this.

CarGirl - yes, we can afford a forth, we've got the room (house-wise and car-wise) and we are prepapred for a long and arduous process, which is why we would like to commence now.

No, I wouldn't consider fostering as an alternative. I know I am not capable of the amazing work these people do. I quite simply couldn't give the child back / away after investing so much love and effort into them. I am strong, but not strong enough for that. Having "been there, done that", I just know fostering is not for me. I need this to be secure and permenant. Does that make sense!!?

I'll have a good look at my Local Authorities website and register my interest.

Oh, and we're not fussy about what child we have - just one who needs a home

You have spurred me on - thank you

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CarGirl · 30/12/2008 19:29

Cool, by the time your approved your youngest will be old enough for a 2/3 year old

Get on with it woman then!

Original poster
CaptainDippy · 31/12/2008 00:05

WinkGrin

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Kristingle · 31/12/2008 10:42

car girl is right, your youngest will then be 4, so you would technically be eligible for a baby. however, there are childless couples queueing up for babies and toddlers, so its very unlikely that a SW would place a NT baby with a family of 4, 5.5 and 7yo.

the waiting children tend to have sn and/or are in sibling groups or need a black family or are school age

if you join adoption uk you wil get their publications and you can see for yourself if sqiffy is correct. imho she is

beemail · 31/12/2008 16:59

Sadly children in the care system often have multiple special needs which may be physical, psychological, behavioural or emotional. Not only you but your birth children would need to be able to cope with the demands presented by these children .As Kristngle says there are many childless adopters who are willing to adopt and where these children could in the short term at least be the only child competing for parent's attention. You don't say when you envisage a 2/3 yr old joining your family but would guess not for some time. I think I would see this as your biggest issue and one your social worker will no doubt spend time on in your assessment. The impact of one child with difficulties on your others is one you'll need to think carefully about.It's the most challenging but ultimately rewarding thing we have ever done - good luck

Original poster
CaptainDippy · 01/01/2009 17:41

Thanks again!

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Jodee · 01/01/2009 17:59

CaptDippy, it will be a long road - we started the ball rolling in summer 07, Home Study started in March 08, (we have a nearly 9 year old DS btw, looking for a 3/4 year old), and frustratingly have been told in Dec that agency want to put it all on hold for a year because of 'issues' with DS (who's finally been diagnosed dyslexic). We're challenging this ...

Technoprisoners · 02/01/2009 16:05

I just wanted to add my very best wishes to you and your family, Dippy, because, from what you say, you seem like exactly the sort of person to be able to go through this nobly and come out the other end. There are many people out there who will aim to put a 'realistic' slant on things and counsel you with all sorts of caution, but I take the view opposite to Squiffy and say that, if you want to get through this, there are plenty of roses round the garden, it is just a matter of how you view things . (And yes, the minimum period you can be looking at before things really get going is around 2 years, but it can - and does - happen much quicker - one year from the obligatory course attendance, home study and being matched in our case.) Go for it, and smell those roses!

Original poster
CaptainDippy · 03/01/2009 08:07

Thank you so much Techo - I really needed to hear that and I just read your post out to DH and hei s smiling too! xx

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Technoprisoners · 03/01/2009 08:55

My pleasure, Dippy - keep us posted xx

Jodee · 03/01/2009 19:47

Captain Dippy, hope my post wasn't too negative, we've just hit a small sticky patch at the mo with it all, but you have such a wonderful spirit, if it's on your heart (and DH of course) to do this, you will sail through! Keep your eyes upwards!

loflo · 03/01/2009 20:24

Hello captain dippy - our DS has been with us for nearly three years now and of course it has been a hard journey but every day I am so grateful for what he has brought to our lives. He is an only child and although we are not likely to pursue adoption again due to the process and the strain it puts on you it is so worth it. You will learn more about yourselves and find an inner strength that you never knew you had. Good luck x

Original poster
CaptainDippy · 04/01/2009 07:21

Not too negative at all Jodee, need to hear it all, iykwim!

Thanks to all for help / advice / support / encouragement.

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keresley · 04/01/2009 16:02

My husband and I are going to adopt too. We have a (biologcal)19 month old baby girl and a 4 year old boy. We looked into the process just after my daughters 1st birthday. The adoption social worker we spoke to said that you can only adopt a child that is 3 years younger than your youngest child and advised us to wait another year before we apply. Other advice she gave was: you cannot have mental illnesses, you can not be overweight and that the adopted child must have their own room and cannot share. She also mentioned that it would take 2 years to be approved but then it could be another 3 years before a child would be placed with us. She said it would be 2 against 1 (i.e. my 2 bilogocal children against the adoptive child) which would act against us plus we would not be a priority as we already have children. However, this has not put us off in the slightest- we are in no rush so if it takes 5 years then so be it.

keresley · 04/01/2009 16:10

sorry posted before I'd finished as dd started crying......... Hust wanted to say good luck and I hope things go well for you.

Original poster
CaptainDippy · 04/01/2009 16:23

Thank you! We're both ok with the Q's you were asked ... we have much the same attitude as regards the time it would potentially take ... we're quite happy to wait as long it takes

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