Am I too naive to adopt ...

[loueyt]

My DH and I are very seriously considering whether we should look into adopting another child. We currently have 2DS's one 5/6 and one 2 both ours.

I feel very strongly that this is something I want to do. I understand that many adopted children will have different needs to those of my current children and that it will be a difficult process.

I am worried however that I have a bit of a rose tinted idea that by giving them a house full of love and fun that I will be able to ensure that they grow up without attachment issues or any other long term emotional problems and I am wondering whether I am just fooling myself.

My friend who is a psychology lecturer says that unless a child has been shown unconditional love by the age of 3 they are unable to ever develop it as a concept to offer other people.

I need to believe that we can make a difference to someone - sorry this sounds very odd, I hope you understand what I mean.

I don't know but I will be watching the thread as it is something I have thought about as well.

Do you want to do it to get the love back? If a child hasn't been shown unconditional love by age 3, then maybe they won't be as loving, but surely there is still alot of scope to make a huge difference to her life?

Hadnt thought about it in the context of getting the love back so no it is not about that.

Hi

I am an Adoptive Mum of a little girl who is
20 months old, she came to us when she was
7.5 months. It's a decision that only you
can make & whilst all children need the warmth, security & a loving home it's sadly
sometimes not enough. Many of the children awaiting placements certanliy the older children have suffered terrible neglect
& abuse by their birth family & may be udergoing trauma conselling & this can take many many years. My advice would be to think very carefly & do lot's of research which can be found on the ADOPTION UK website.
Adoption is a wonderful thing & my daughter
is a joy & i love her so much.

Good Luck Bev x

A good book on this subject is Dan Hughes "Building the Bonds of attachment" - you might get it from a library or Adoption UK.

It's a fictionalised account of real case histories. A little girl, very severely neglected and abused, is taken into care, has several failed placements, and then is fostered and finaly adopted by a family who take a very therapeutic parenting approach. (Not supernanny in technique, but perhaps a similar level of structure and effort). In the end the child does learn to trust and love at last.

We were given this to read during prep, and you have to think, would I be up for this if it came to it? We felt we were prepared to take the risk, having looked into adoption support available, (fortunately it doesn't look at the moment if our DCs' case is that serious).

Your friend is right but perhaps a bit oversimplified. A child that was literally locked in a cupboard from birth (and it does happen ) might never find the ability to form relationships due to attachment problems, but many children have had some love and care from their birth/foster family, even if erratic, and they do pull through to varying degrees. Multiple moves of carer are disastrous though, and that's why many older children struggle who have had a chain of foster homes and moves back to birth family.

If you are asking this very salient question you're probably on the right track. It's not are you too naive, but are you prepared to learn?