Advice needed is it worth putting in a complaint about a social worker

[swadvice]

We had a child placed with us 6 months ago, all has been well, could not have settled in easier. Our social worker has been really good and helpful, but our daughters social worker has not been great, for a number of small reasons. I get on very well with the foster carer and got together a few times for a coffee and a chat, whilst retelling the story given from our childs sw about how we were selected above the over couples, she pulled a face, when I challenged her on it, I had to coax out of her what the SW had said to her, I could tell she didn't want to tell me, but I kept on making suggestions until she told me, she said the reason she was placed with us is because we are underachievers in life!! and that when our child is older and wants to go back and meet birth parents she wont intimidate them by having some fancy job wtf! I d trust the information I have been given as when she told me, she said if you want to take it further I happy to back up the story.

Ok so my husband nor me are top lawyers, but he as a good enough job so that I can stay at home raising my 2 kids, we are comfortable.

At first I was shocked and angry and the more I think about it the more upset I am, it feels like she has taken away some of the good memories of the selection process.

We are currently 6 weeks away from the first court appearence, and don't really want to do anything now that could rock the boat, but definately do not want her to get away with saying something so hurtful.

I find it hard to believe that the foster carer would have been told something like that, maybe she isn't as nice as she seems.

Ok, first of all do nothing now as you don't want to jeopardise anything.

Secondly, while what she said was poorly worded and it has hurt you, what she is saying is that your new child is a 'good fit' for your family. Same aspirations, social group etc. Maybe what she's saying is that the family she has come from is like your family so it won't be too difficult for her when she grows up in a very different family.

I'm a foster parent and one of the reasons a child has been placed with us is that she has a particular special need that we can address so she is a 'good fit' in our house. I can't really say what it is but it also would reflect poorly on us if we were the type to take offence. However, we're not because the reason is true.

tbh the sw has said a few things to me thats been unprofessional, so I can believe that she would say something like that to her.

I think if there was any doubt then she would of said to me, don't say anything but ...

I have to agree with elkiedee. I would suggest that you raise it with your SW, not in a confrontational way but as in "this is what X told me". I think you'll be able to gauge from her reaction what the truth is.
I work with SW all the time and some are better than others. As you said, wtf! - this doesn't make any sense or have the ring of truth to it. Maybe the foster carer has an agenda? Or maybe the SW did say something along the lines that swadvice and her dh are lovely people, not career-oriented but family people etc?
I would think of all this through and certainly if it of concern to you still, bring it up. I think that if she didn't say it she'll be glad to have the chance to defend herself, and if she did, you can challenge her on it. hth

I agree with the others, maybe the foster carer isnt as nice as you think she is. It seems like a funny thing for a SW to say, but even if they did say exactly what you have been told, what was the foster carer trying to achieve by telling you?

Thanks for your replies, think I will defininately speak to our sw.

To be fair to the foster carer, she did a look which I lept on and could tell she didn't want to tell me. Like I said before don't think she would lie as she said she would be happy to speak to anyone about it should I wish to take it further.

The sw is very blunt and said quite a few minor things over this period that seemed quite off.

and really don't think the foster carer has another agenda as she been doing this job many years and have placed a larger number of children to adoptive parents, she keeps in touch with all of them and likes ot meet up with them once a year.

I'm the complete opposite to everyone else.

I would absolutely do nothing to rock the boat even if you feel it is justified. What this social worker thinksvand the reasons why you were matched will be such an irrelevance in only a few short months.

NOTHING is more important than becoming the legal parents to this child (I assume!). Vent your feelings to your friends, family MN etc andsavethe social worker for after thedust has settled.

Some social workers are strange cattle - she probably didn't mean it offensively at all and frankly I'd much rather being in the position of being matched with a child than be the deparate pair of lawyers I know, now in their mid/late 40's still waiting to be matched with a chinese baby 3 years after starting the process with no hope of a UK adoption (perhaps partly being they are considered too high acheivers, who knows?).

I know that may sound harsh but I knowhowIfelt about things at certian points in the processand rankly NOTHING was more important than getting everything done and them all out of my hair. Even how I felt wasn't as importantasthat.

Suk it up and look back on it as a ridiculous story to share when you look back, like all those horrifc labour stories, a rite of passage. I'm people do complain about insensitive midwves but I doubt they do it during labour!

I agree with Kewcumber. Make no complaint until your DD is adopted and you are sure that you do not want to adopt any further children from any agency (not just this one).

Adoption placement workers don't like workaholics, she probably said you weren't over acheivers, and the foster carer has taken it to me that you are under acheivers,

Foster carer may have her own agenda. I know sometimes they fall in love (and who could blame them - I would do anything to keep the ones I love!)

Agree with smugcolditz and also with Kew ( do nothing)! Potential adopters pidginholed as 'high acheivers' find it difficult to adopt!! This is because it is assumed highly driven workaholics/top lawyers /Phds may not be able to slow down and put their childrens needs first. (IMO piffle ofcourse!)
Try not to take this personally. It has been phrased very hurtfully to you but it was probably meant as a positive attribute ie that you would make excellent parents!
Congratulations on your lo and I hope all goes well!!